I hate my life

[ruined4life]

I want to die.

My husband told me he'd met someone else September last year. We split. We have 4 children under 10 the youngest is 3. Custody arrangements are he has them every second weekend. But recently they have struggled going to him because he doesn't really interact with them. He never phones them are rarely messages them and they hate going. It causes them so many tears and anxious night of no sleep.  So we have changed it to 1 night and they come back the next evening. So I now have 2 days off a month.

I am so strapped for cash. I have bills piling up and I cannot ever seem to get on top. I don't work and I am trying to get back to work but the paperwork to get back to work is expensive and I cannot afford it.  I got denied school card (single mother on a pension) and I just cannot think how I will pay the school fees. I have bills. Food. Petrol. Spiralling out of control. I lay awake at night hoping that I can pay all the bills and money will magically appear in my bank.

I am so lonely. Each evening I sprawl on the couch completely exhausted and only able to watch TV feeling completely isolated and alone. I have no friends and no one to talk to. I sit alone and lonely and because of my situation this is my penance FOREVER.  My life is my children, and I feel I would one day like more.

And to top it all off my children are awful and I hate being a mother. I love them so so much but their behaviour is awful and constantly causing me stress. My youngest is the worst. She cries all day, won't eat, smears poo in her bed, screams at me, pinches and bites me, is rude and short tempered.  I try to be reasonable but it always ends in me yelling and being a bad mum. The only time I get a break is if I put the TV on and how long can I do that for without being a bad mum.  My sons packed lunch got sent home today because it wasn't healthy enough. Again I am a bad mum. My kids popped some balloons at the pub, yup I am a bad mum.  I'm doing a terrible job. I am an awful person and an even worse mother.  They are better off without me.

I am over whelmed with the jobs to do around the house. Cleaning, washing, mowing, watering. They mount up and mount up with never an end in sight and it is a constant juggle and stress.

Honestly I have had enough. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I hate my life. I hate being lonely. I have having nothing. I am so stressed and anxious all the time. My life is **bleep** and I want it to end.  I wish I had enough sleeping pills here now to never wake again. The world would be better off.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @ruined4life, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment - raising children, separation, parenting challenges, financial difficulties and managing household responsibilities. It is understandable that you are feeling so overwhelmed and stressed. I am sorry to hear that this has got you to the point where you feel like never waking up again.

Just so you know, I have sent you through an email with further support I also hope that the community here is able to provide you with some love and insight during this tough period for you.

[eitak1]

It sounds like you've had more than enough. You need a whole day at least to yourself with no stress. Can you get assistance with daycare? Bernardo's might be a place to ask, the Salvation army for bills help.and advice, claiming bankruptcy might help or seeing a financial counsellor, and getting out for some fresh air and a walk.
Your ex sounds selfish and difficult because you're looking after everything. Put everything down and find a women's centre for counselling, yoga, and support. Neighbour centres might have cheaper kids activities or PCYC?? Just to get the kids out and about
Chatting on forums about similar issues is great!
It's not worth it to leave your kids. They are great. Find something positive like hope the youngest becomes an artist and can smear their poop all over the art world!
Parenting with humour is fun and playful as well as knowing other mums struggle ... One unhealthy lunch shouldn't be the undoing of you! Shaming you is not the right thing when you're only human and you're looking after children.
Lifeline can help you with a chat and give you directions for more support.
Family support networks are also available in NSW.
Brighter Futures might offer some assistance.
I hope you get some rest and a break simply to feel like you again!

[Lolos]

Sorry about this. This is a really trying time for you. You are not a bad mum it is because you under stress. I guess you need to see your GP and there maybe other  community supports where they can provide assistance to you. You got to realise  that your kids are reacting  because they are  stressed too. You need to self regulate, shrug off low self esteem. Brace up and seek help from the community services, council. Be positive , don't entertain wrong thoughts. Everything will alright.

[Janine-RO]

Hi @eitak1  and @Lolos 

Thanks so much for sharing your advice and support- @eitak1  I couldn't agree with you more, shaming mums especially when they're already feeling vulnerable is never helpful, and humour has definitely been one of the things that has helped me to survive the darker moments of parenting! 

The support services that you've listed are all great ideas, sometimes it can feel incredibly overwhelming when we are in the thick of things, and it's so good to remember that there's help out there. Thanks so much for your kind words  

@ruined4life  how have you been over the last few weeks? 

[ruined4life]

Thank you so much for your message. I cried.

It was supportive and understanding. And it is comforting that there are people are out there who know exactly what to say to help someone.

I am feeling much better and my toddler is behaving a lot better. She is still a typical 3 year old but I realised that she just needs a lot of me time. She wants to be cuddled and held all day and I guess she needs that to feel secure. So I have been giving her positive attention whenever she needs it and praising her up for being a good girl. 

My ex is extremely selfish and he would blame me for everything, even though we are not together anymore everything that goes wrong or has ever gone wrong is somehow my fault. He never phones my kids and apparently that's my fault?!? If he ever found out that my daughter was being difficult he would say that she is perfect for him and always a good girl. 

I am still worried about money and trying to get back to work is hard as there is no childcare locally. My parents said they will help me with paying the fees to do my update courses to get back to work and that is a relief.

I am working on it all. Taking one day at a time. I love my kids and I want to be the best mum for them. 

[eitak1]

I am glad to hear you're feeling better. FEE HELP AT UNE University is one online option where you can study online. Please remember to speak to someone before you decide anything drastic. I am a single mother and I understand the aggression of men and also, unfairly, of a lot of women who don't empathise.
I hope you get things going. Have you thought of your kids starting a vegetable garden or visiting a community garden? Growing vegetables can help.cut costs and also get you outside and mucking about in dirt!
Take care 🌞

[Lolos]

You are welcome sister.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53JD-KBgKSE

[Janine-RO]

Hi @ruined4life , 

It's so wonderful to hear that you've found the support here helpful  

You sound like you are such a caring and compassionate mum, I also have a three year old (and was a sole parent until my eldest was 4), and I can understand how lonely and challenging it can feel sometimes - but you're clearly doing a wonderful job making sure she feels loved, supported and secure.  And I think that every single parent out there can relate to sometimes feeling like they're doing a bad job, even when we're not! Another thing that was a bit of a lifesaver for me was community playgroups, it meant that I was able to meet other parents and have some adult conversation, which was a huge win for me! Do you have any playgroups near you at all? 

It's great that your parents are able to help you out with the course fees for you to get back to work. I'm also wondering if you are being paid child support by your ex partner? There's a list of really good resources here  with some information on how to access financial support including child support, and Relationships Australia can also give low cost support in things like mediation with your ex partner. 

I did also want to mention some other support services, including some services that are there to help you if you are ever having those feelings of wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. That can be a really lonely and scary feeling - Suicide Call Back Service  and Lifeline are both available 24/7 to help you if you're experiencing thoughts of suicide. 

There's also some great Parents support services  available, like  Parentline  and Parents Beyond Breakup- 

It's so good to hear that things are feeling better for you - you're clearly a strong person and loving mum, and the community is here any time you want to vent or get some support. 

[eitak1]

How are you today? I hope you've had some time at least to take some deep breaths and if you're feeling active, turn up your favourite song and shake, dance, laugh and just enjoy your body and forget the difficult times for a little while! I hope your three year old is keeping their hands clean, at least for a part of the day.
Take care and I hope you get some sunshine and silly time to enjoy the fun of parenting and the smiles on their faces ❤️🤪🌞