My 19 year old son has no respect for me

[Gottasmile]

Hi I’m new to this site and live in the UK. I’ve raised my son as a single parent since he was 9 months old. We have always been so close. Since the first Covid lockdown everything has changed! He Couldn’t comprehend that he couldn’t just have his girlfriend over and he go over there, I suggested they stay at hers for two weeks and mine for two weeks which he didn’t like so after a big row he moved all of his stuff out and moved in with her mum. Since that time we have really drifted apart, he doesn’t respect me he is rude and selfish and rarely answers my calls or texts. His is however very close with everyone else including an ex boyfriend who was abusive to me. My son lost his job during covid and since then has been in and out of work and getting sacked from jobs the last time this happened I suggested he go to stay with my sister in the USA for 3 months to see what opportunities are there as he had always wanted to live there! Just before he went they told me they were having a baby it was a shock but I said I would support them however I could. Since being in America my son doesn’t answer my calls or call or text me which really hurts. I asked if they wanted help to arrange the gender reveal and was thinking their friends plus close family but my son has not only invited a toxic friend I have had to cut out of my life but an ex boyfriend who abused me physically and mentally for 5 years! I called my son and asked him why he had invited them and he rightly said it was his party he could invite who he wants. I just feel that I am not prepared to face my abuser who still tries to get into my head through my son. His Dad does not support me even though he knew about it at the time and him and my abuser are still best friends. I sent my son a message as he hung up on me, he then continued to lay into me via text and I understand how he would think I am trying to control his party, but this wasn’t the case. So I sent a long text opening up to him and explaining why I couldn’t face this man and he dismissed it saying just because I have “beef “ with him for something that happened years ago it doesn’t mean he can’t have him at his party! And I do understand I just feel so hurt that he does t care about what happened to me or how dangerous that man is and now he is not talking to me! I feel so lost and alone right now I really could do with some help!

[Iona-RO]

Hi @Gottasmile 

Thank you for reaching out for support. It sounds like you're feeling disconnected from your son which must be really difficult to cope with, especially when you're a single mum and must have had a really special bond with him in the past. 

Just to clarify, is your son still the USA with your sister? And is it your sister that is pregnant or your son & his girlfriend?

It must feel very hurtful for you knowing your son is spending time with your abuser. Are you worried about his safety? Is your son aware of how dangerous this person is?

I think when you're dealing with trying to heal your relationship with your son, and also dealing with, I imagine, past trauma from your abuser, it's really important to look after yourself first and foremost. This is a lot to cope with in one go. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Have you chatted to a therapist about your past abuse? The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is a great resource in the UK that might be a good option for someone to chat with. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

I'm looking forward to exploring this more with you and supporting you through this.

[Gottasmile]

Thank you for your response, it is very difficult especially as he is still currently in the USA although will be returning on the 8 February.
He and his girlfriend are pregnant.
I tried to talk to my son about my abuser in the past as he was taking his girlfriend round there and I warned him not to leave her alone with him but he didn’t want to hear about it as he said it would make him look at him differently.
He went to a New Year’s Eve party 3 years ago and my abuser made him take a picture of the pair of them together and told him to send it to me as I’d love that. So I’m hoping my son is not being manipulated by him. I have tried talking to his dad about it as he knows what happened but his dad and my abuser are best friends so he fights for his friendship with him, which is sad and disappointing and makes me feel as if I am not validated.
I sent a message to my son yesterday apologizing for the way I handled the situation, it must have been hard for him to hear that about his dads friend and I’m sure that he is trying to process everything but he hasn’t read my message and he is ignoring me which I am struggling with.
Thank you for being so kind to me and yesterday I reached out to the domestic violence helpline which is a huge step for me and hopefully it will help me to come to terms with what I have been through.

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @Gottasmile , I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through. It sounds like things have been have tough for you and that you care a lot about your son. It also sounds like you don't have any current concerns about the safety of your son or his partner - is that right? 

I am sorry that you felt invalidated and disappointed after you spoke with your son's father. It seems that you care about those around you and are trying to look out for them. I hope that your son gets in contact with you soon as it sounds like that would mean a lot for you. 

It's really great that you reached out the domestic violence helpline for support. It can be hard to take the step and reach out for support. I hope that you found it to be helpful and a positive experience .