I want to die.
My husband told me he'd met someone else September last year. We split. We have 4 children under 10 the youngest is 3. Custody arrangements are he has them every second weekend. But recently they have struggled going to him because he doesn't really interact with them. He never phones them are rarely messages them and they hate going. It causes them so many tears and anxious night of no sleep. So we have changed it to 1 night and they come back the next evening. So I now have 2 days off a month.
I am so strapped for cash. I have bills piling up and I cannot ever seem to get on top. I don't work and I am trying to get back to work but the paperwork to get back to work is expensive and I cannot afford it. I got denied school card (single mother on a pension) and I just cannot think how I will pay the school fees. I have bills. Food. Petrol. Spiralling out of control. I lay awake at night hoping that I can pay all the bills and money will magically appear in my bank.
I am so lonely. Each evening I sprawl on the couch completely exhausted and only able to watch TV feeling completely isolated and alone. I have no friends and no one to talk to. I sit alone and lonely and because of my situation this is my penance FOREVER. My life is my children, and I feel I would one day like more.
And to top it all off my children are awful and I hate being a mother. I love them so so much but their behaviour is awful and constantly causing me stress. My youngest is the worst. She cries all day, won't eat, smears poo in her bed, screams at me, pinches and bites me, is rude and short tempered. I try to be reasonable but it always ends in me yelling and being a bad mum. The only time I get a break is if I put the TV on and how long can I do that for without being a bad mum. My sons packed lunch got sent home today because it wasn't healthy enough. Again I am a bad mum. My kids popped some balloons at the pub, yup I am a bad mum. I'm doing a terrible job. I am an awful person and an even worse mother. They are better off without me.
I am over whelmed with the jobs to do around the house. Cleaning, washing, mowing, watering. They mount up and mount up with never an end in sight and it is a constant juggle and stress.
Honestly I have had enough. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I hate my life. I hate being lonely. I have having nothing. I am so stressed and anxious all the time. My life is **bleep** and I want it to end. I wish I had enough sleeping pills here now to never wake again. The world would be better off.