Such a great topic @gina-Ro, and one we've experienced as well. My daughter was in Year 8 and having a really tough time in life in general that year.
When my daughter first came to me, I'll admit I found it confronting, but it helped me understand my mum's reaction to me. She ridiculed me for being a silly attention seeker, but I believe she couldn't cope with it, or didn't know how to. So I knew I had to put my stuff aside, and we just took care of it and had a talk about what was going on for her if she was open to doing that, which she wasn't always. I always tried not to show a reaction or make a huge fuss about the self harming but focus on what she was thinking and feeling. Calm, love and patience went a long way during this time.
As with @Schooner, the kitchen was heavily overhauled, and pencil case emptied of particular items. She was inventive though, so it felt impossible to keep one step ahead of her.
Having self harmed myself in my youth, I understood it was different to being suicidal, and knew it gave relief from overwhelming negative emotions, but that was it. I spoke to my daughter's counsellor about it who also said it can become addictive because of the physiological change that occurs which gives that feeling of release and relief. She gave me a couple safer options to suggest to my daughter, and they were:
- ice cubes directly on the skin, or
- a rubber band around the wrist to flick against the skin.
My daughter's counsellor also talked to her about the short term relief but also the possible consequences of self-harming, some of them life long. It wasn't done in a frightening way but to get her to understand what's happening and think about her choices and the outcomes they may have.
The rubber band did the trick for my girl. We also went back to recognising and naming emotions again so she could express herself verbally using more than just an expletive four letter word and it's various forms!!
@Rowanna I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. It can be so tough to know how to best move forward with our teens sometimes!
I just wanted to share with you - my daughter's never been an affectionate kid per se, but her teens have seen her pull away from hugs from me too. If I do hug her I can often hear her silently groaning as she pats me on the back a couple of times. Her personal space is rather large around her. I'm an affectionate person so this is really difficult for me, but I've found texting to be a way to get my love through when she's shut off to that face to face interaction. They're not detailed or elaborate, sometimes just a photo of one of our cats doing something funny and xxx. Sometimes just a 'love you xxx'. When you can see they're needing a hug but won't accept it, I've found it's a great way to start breaking throught that wall they've put up. I'm so glad you're seeing someone for support and strategies. I'll be keen to hear what you learn as well if you don't mind sharing.
And sorry, off topic, but does your daughter see a counsellor herself? I know this is going to sound crappy, but being able to recognise your daughter's downward spiral could be really useful for you. With my daughter it allowed me to 'prepare' and put things in place so she didn't escalate. I bare knuckled it for so long - so not worth it. (maybe we could start a new thread for this @Rowanna?).
