Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

[Ngaio-RO]

Thanks for the update @Torry_Cox I'm not sure there's a huge amount more you can do than what you've done.

Unless you think the Grandma should say something next time he speaks to her poorly. It might give him better insight into the effect he's having on her when he talks to her like that. But I also know that's a big ask for a Grandma. Not many Grandmas are up for conflict.

[momof1teen]

i'm here to find support for parenting a very mean angry 15 year old girl, i want to know i am not alone and it is not all my fault. she sent me an email yesterday telling me what a failure of a mother i am. i know not everything she says is true and someone who tears another person down verbally is in pain themselves... not trying to hijack the thread... 

[taokat]

Hi @momof1teen, you are not alone in what you are going through, and it's not all your fault. We as parents tend to judge ourselves very harshly, and we imagine that we must be the worst parents in the world. That thought I believe is what then makes us feel we must be the only one's going through this - after all, if we were good parents our kids wouldn't be behaving like this, right! But that is just not true. 

You're right, when teens lash out they are struggling themselves, They take it out on us because they know we will always love them. It does hurt when they are so nasty. It's easier said than done, but try not to take it personally, no matter how personal she makes it. Communicating with teens can be a tricky process but there are some great tips at the link here from another topic.

Thank you for sharing. The thread is open to be hijacked by any parent looking for support! Hijack any thread you like!

[Gritgirl]

Hi Carebear,

I completely understand your situation. One of mine has been bevaving that way for the last 2 years. For the first 18 months I cried a lot, pleading with her and telling her how much I love her and trying to communicate with her for me absolutely nowhere. It’s frustrating when friends and blogs suggest that you try to talk to your teen - mine will not talk.

Things changed when I read a parenting book by Kiwi parenting author Nigel Latta. I learnt that no matter what she does or says or how she behaves, it is not about me - she is not actually rejecting me (even though it feels that way). In fact she may not even realise the impact her words have on me because teens don’t understand things like empathy the same way adults do. The book helped me to take things “lightly”, not to engage with her when it is pointless, let things go that don’t matter but above all, not to take it personally. This has actually enabled me to not take things so seriously and I don’t ge upset anywhere near as often. Sure it still hurts sometimes when she is rude, but if I keep smiling and don’t let it bother me, she is less rude, less often. I guess there is no point performing when you don’t have an audience. Hard as it is sometimes, I focus on the beautiful nature she had when she was little and I keep on loving her regardless, using humour when possible. I see your post is a bit old now and I hope things are going better for you.

Take care xx

[Gritgirl]

Hi Taokat

I hope things are going for you. I have struggles with my daughters too and I feel your heartbreak. My husband doesn’t get it and doesn’t support me which makes it all worse. Anyway, a couple of older friends at work have told me their teens went through some really bad years, but things turned out ok in the end, and their adult children, who are now parents themselves, have apologised for some of the things they did and said as teens. You are not a failure and it is not your fault. Hang in there, let her know you love her unconditionally no matter what she does. Personally I love the author Nigel Latta as his book taught me not to take things so seriously all the time and even how to find humour in it all. Take care x

[Gritgirl]

Hi @momof1teen

I hope things are going better for you. I have struggles with my daughters too and I feel your heartbreak. My husband doesn’t get it and doesn’t support me which makes it all worse. Anyway, a couple of older friends at work have told me their teens went through some really bad years, but things turned out ok in the end, and their adult children, who are now parents themselves, have apologised for some of the things they did and said as teens. You are not a failure and it is not your fault. Hang in there, let her know you love her unconditionally no matter what she does. Personally I love the author Nigel Latta as his book taught me not to take things so seriously all the time and even how to find humour in it all. Take care x

[Breez-RO]

Hi @Gritgirl, thanks for posting. Did you mean to post three times in a row? We are really enjoying your contributions Just regarding the book, are you posting this with commercial interest in mind or purely as a book recommendation? We can't use the forums to monetise in anyway so just making sure your not doing promotion for this book etc. Thanks again

[157-1]

I know the post I am replaying to is older, but I am having similar issues with my 15 year old daughter and am seeking support. She has days where she is open and sharing, and others when she is down right mean to everyone in our family.
It is pretty hard on my 7 year old daughter. Usually I can see past the teen angst and don't let it get to me, but she really got to me last night.
And it seems to be getting worse. Her grades have also fallen drastically this year. I'm not even sure where to begin. I have directed, negotiated, backed off, stepped back in. I'm just trying to lead her to make good choices in life. I am going to read through these posts and look into some of the advice. Thank you

[seekwisdom]

I found out that the only way to communicate when things are this bad, its through a handwritten letter.

Tell her how much you love her and list good things you know about her and how you understand she might not see you as a friend, but she can trust that you are on her side. That you are a person too and are doing or best to her to be her best. 

I had a breakthrough with my dear daughter this weekend and I hope you get to have one also. 

[Mammatofour]

This is exactly where I am atm with my 15yr old. It is exhausting and so upsetting, not only for me but it affects the whole household. I have a responsibility to provide all my kids with a loving, stable, respectful and fun environment. And for the most part it’s been great. The last 3 months however have been awful and I hardly recognise my loving, kind, generous, talented, sensitive, intelligent and caring child, even tho I know she is in there somewhere.
Most of all, I miss her.
So much of my story to tell another time, but wanted you to know i am feeling everything you are right now. Thankyou for posting.