HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sunshine72]

Thank you @Sandee reaching out again you’re too kind.

You ended up in hospital? Yikes I’m so sorry to hear that. What an added stress for you.

It must’ve been awful and scary having a panic attack today. But what’s come of it it’s actually amazing! It just shows you that he really really cares. The fact that he has put his Life360 back on, but he did not go out until you had stopped crying, that he text you about coming home and having an opportunity to chat in the car. I see that is a huge win. Wow!

It also sounds like you have a great plan going forward and sticking to your guns about not giving financial support until he can get back to school.

I like your quote about us, not being responsible for their moods, but our reactions is what we control. This is where I’m certainly challenged with how I approach it.

No, we don’t have any other kids. I tried for many years and then I had an ectopic pregnancy and then they thought it would be unlikely for me to conceive and soon after we had our fun so a bit of a miracle baby really.

I’m so pleased that you have a lovely daughter. Does she know what you’re going through?

As for your GP, they clearly don’t understand that when our kids refuse to talk there’s only so much we can do. I would love to know where my son is and who his friends are. There are lots of red flags with my sons friends. He doesn’t seem to maintain the same friends for too long and the few that I have met are concerning when one of them have a police curfew, but he have to be home bye another who no longer lives with his parents and have dropped out of school. I could go on. Most of them are in some form of trouble with the law, hence my heightened anxiety and things when he does make a nice friend. It doesn’t last long. I can hear him in his room right now, on technology and the language is using is totally inappropriate , even knowing some of the kids he is hanging around isn’t helping and they be able to get him away from them. I have now come to the realisation that my son is one of the kids, but other parents don’t want their kids hanging around. That is gut wrenching .

Let’s hope each day gets better for us. Xx

[Chloe-RO]

Hi @Sandee ,

I'm sorry to hear how hard it has been for you lately. I read of the constant fear you are living in, as well as the anxiety and emotional turmoil each day. I'm glad you have been able to go to your GP to get a mental health care plan for yourself. Hopefully, you will be able to talk through some of what has been happening for you and the emotions that come with it.

From your post, it sounds like your son was quite responsive when you showed how worried and upset you were - do you think so? I'm wondering whether language such as, "I feel really upset when I see you.....", will be helpful when starting a conversation?

Something that parents and young people often find easier is when they talk while travelling in a car or walking so that they do not have to face the person directly - I wonder if that would make it easier for your son?

It sounds like you are doing everything you can @Sandee . Please continue to look after yourself and practice self-care at this time. If you feel you need to speak to someone, you can contact services such as:

Parentline

Lifeline 13 11 14

[Sandee]

Hi Sunshine72

How are you today has it been a better day? I have been thinking of you .

Yes my daughter knows whats going on and I try not to tell her too much as it must be affecting her hearing how much anxiety I am having.

I went to a physiologist today and I think that helps. Just trying to come up with strategies for myself on how handle my anxiety and reactions. 

I have decided not to sit down with my son again and explain consequences I feel he knows so now it's about trying to be strong enough and stick to it. Easier said than done as you know.

He suggested trying the antidepressants as im physically dry retching every morning and if I down like them then I can stop. I may try starting this Sunday as anything is better than feeling like this.

He also wants my husband to get a bit more involved as im going to be dealing with alot in the upcoming months with my brother and my mum.

That must have been scary having and ectopic pregnancy . I know it's really tough with the kids they hang with but we cant control that . People say oh you should know who they are with well thats fine if they tell you but its not possible in our situations. We just have to be there to pick up the pieces if they fall and hope they know we are always there for them.

I cant imagine some of the friend that my son is with im sure they have had issues too as he is seeing them this week and they should be in school.

I feel the hardest thing we have to do as mums is let go and wait till they fail . It will happen im sure due to their behaviours  at the moment but the more we try and tell them what is best the more they push back.

Hope that things get better for both of us it doesnt have to be perfect just better xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

Good on you for going to the psychologist today. That's so admirable getting the support. May I ask how you got in so quickly? I feel I am very close behind you but not sure which way to turn. I would consider medications too. My anxiety is through the roof and I am struggling to talk to anyone other than my husband and my mum. I avoid everyone else as much as I can. Don't have the energy or desire. Please let me know how you go with the medication. Did he say it takes a while to work?

Our pediatrician medicated my son for ADHD (he's not hyperactive but passive - inattentive) but it was a rather quick diagnosis a couple of months ago and it was through a miracle that I even got him there. He wasn't happy about it and said what a waste of time it was. We know there's more going on than ADHD.

They also diagnosed him with anxiety and possible depression but told me only a child psychiatrist would be able to medicate him on anti-depressants and they said he'd need to try a psychologist first which he refuses. He's also refusing to take the ADHD medication now even though he has mentioned that it makes his fuzzy head clearer (until it wears off). They said they could medicate for the anxiety but said it takes some time to kick in and wanted to give the ADHD medication a trial first. But if he's not taking it, he's unlikely to take any other meds.

I hope the medication works for you. Keep me posted how it goes. Let me know if you find some good strategies to handle the anxiety. It's also good to hear that you're going to implement the consequences. You're very wise with your approach to everything. I know you don't feel it but you are making progress, you are making changes and you are doing everything you can. I take my hat off to you.

I'm so sorry that you are not only dealing with your son but you alluded to needing to deal with your brother and mum. It sounds like you have a lot to contend with, which really makes it far more difficult.

I still think the fact that your son muttered a yes, put on his life 360, not going out till you were okay and having some words with you is so reassuring.

You are certainly right, that it's hard to let them go and wait till they fail and their current push back is agonising.

Today I wish I could say was a better day. I guess the positive is that my son is back at school. As you know he was suspended and this morning we had a meeting with the school which had me on edge and heightened my anxiety all night. Needless to say I hardly slept. This morning I was doing the dry wretching and when I woke him to get ready all he could say was why wake me so early, we still have 40mins before we need to go. Refused food, meds and his grooming was abysmal.

I understand he was also very anxious about the meeting so he was very abrupt and short this morning (not really unlike any other day).

I found his form master to be rather supportive but my son would not open up. When asked a few questions my son responded with, "None of your business." I was mortified and expressed my disapproval of speaking this way. He just gave me the death stares! He will not open up. Counselling and support was offered to no avail. They did allow him to return (which I'm sure he would have preferred not to) and they sent him off to class.

The form master also questions whether there's substance abuse and reaffirmed that we are all doing everything we can so until he opens up, asks for help, speaks to someone or gets in serious trouble our hands are very tied.

I returned home knowing the wrath that would occur when he got home. I was so exhausted that when I got home I locked myself in the spare bedroom, blacked it out, cranked up the aircon and climbed under the covers. I put on a meditation and started to drift off for a short while. I needed some sleep and some disconnecting from the real world. It did make me feel a bit better but once I got up it was straight back to worry and reality!

An hour later he returned home from school very angry. I asked if he felt supported by the school and myself today. Stupid question in his eyes. He told me how angry he was and how ridiculous the meeting was. They asked if he had reflected and he said, "I dunno" He told them he's not sure he even wants to go there and I was surprised how supportive they were of him. I guess they understand that there's some mental health issues that we are trying to break through. I wonder if he'll even manage to see the year out. I was so relieved he went off to class as I thought he'd just walk out.

My husband is trying to be as supportive as possible but he is dealing with his own father who is undergoing cancer treatment and my poor husband is double exhausted with trying to work, deal with our son, and take his dad daily for treatment and meet all his demands, he's elderly and lives on his own. He's very stubborn and refuses to live with us and he doesn't live nearby. We cook and shop for him and take him to all his appointments, etc but having him here I guess wouldn't be great considering our current situation. My son has no interest in him at all and never even asks how he is.

Yes I wish for us too that things would get a little better. Not that I am happy with his behaviour but we are terrified by the idea that he is taking any substances. TERRIFIED! I can't even remember whether I mentioned that I spoke to a drug support service yesterday and they said that until he is willing to seek help there is nothing you can do and asking them to stop is the worst thing you can do. They said, it's like saying to an overweight person to stop eating, or a smoker to stop smoking, it's just not. going to happen. They said you can just only let them know you're here to support them when they need it.

I really don't know how much longer we can go on like this. Heartbreaking is an understatement. I struggle to recognise how we got ourselves into this situation in the first place but know I have to look forward and work out how to deal with where we are at.

You are doing all the right things and I feel blessed we have this connection. Thank you! I hope you get some sleep tonight and tomorrow is a better day for us both. xx

I did tag a moderator/administrator in to see if we could connect privately through messaging even if they oversaw it as it feels a bit random chatting to each other on an open forum but I am inferring that no response means no.

[Sandee]

Hi Sunshine72

I think its alot harder when you have Mental health issues involved too and please know that I feel you really are doing a good job. You are not giving up and he isnt making it easy on you but your still trying that is amazing and you need to know that!

I think its a wind that he went with you today to the meeting I couldnt even get mine too. Its also a win that he went to class , well done seriously .

I so know what you mean by being Terrified I am too. You cant help thinking things like that especially with them taking off not communicating and hanging out with who know who.

I have to turn the tv off when the news comes on because they are always talking about youth crime and its hard to not start getting anxious.

You sound exactly like me in the mornings dry retching and feeling so sick and anxious. I downloaded a free app called Dare and I now play the free ones in the sos section constantly until I feel myself calm down. Have a look at it. Its not a cure by any means but I actually find the mans voice calming and I dont normally go for things like that.

My son still isntt communicating well at all but I take what I can get right now. he came down for dinner ate some of it didnt speak then went back up to his room.

Re my brother and my Mum we got the hardest of news when we were down helping my daughter move into her new house in June.

We went down to help her move and also because my mum was having a hip replacement and it was school holidays.

The day after moving my daughter in my mum called to tell me my brother had cancer and it was everywhere. 2 primary stage 4 cancers ( bowel and lung) and there was nothing that could be done. He wasnt even sick he had a chest infection that wasnt quite clearing up so it was a massive shock. Then Mum had her hip done and they noticed she was out of breath a bit and did tests and she is also stage 4 terminal with bowel cancer. 

Sadly my brother has been moved back down and is now bed ridden so it will be any day now. My mum is having immunotherapy which seems to be going well but that will only give her approx 6mths. 

My other brother died last year of a sudden heart attack so it has been alot to deal with and alot more coming so when my son is behaving this way its just too much.

Sorry to unload.

Re your sons school I wouldnt worry to much about how he spoke I really think that sadly now days they are used to that I think its just great he even went.

My son has never been formally diagnosed but I think there maybe something there but he doesnt want to investigate that and has said from the get go he will not take medication so there is no point yet.

Re me getting into a physiologist so quick I know was unbelievable. MyGP had to do a mental health plan for me and he gave me the number of a group not far that are really good with getting you in quickly. Mind you I only called today and wasnt expecting  to get in today but they said if I was happy to see a male he had a free spot.

He was good very reassuring and has had similar experience himself which helped.

I think if you go to your GP tell them exactly how you are feeling and see if they can give you someone that you can get into quickly.

Im so sorry to hear about your husbands dad it's just heartbreaking. You all seem to be doing so much as well no wonder your overwhelmed.

You really are doing all you can we cant force them nor can we control what they are doing we just have to keep showing up as hard as it is and hope that one day they come back to us . Parenting really is the hardest job ever 

Thinking of you xx

[Sunshine72]

Oh my oh my oh my. I am sooooo sorry. Your mum and brothers. This is too much to deal with. This is traumatic and way too much to process alone. You definitely are doing the right thing getting help, not just with what you're going through with your son but with everything else. I am so sorry about losing your brother last year to a heart attack. That alone is devastating.... and now this news about your brother and mum. The effect this must be having on you is beyond comprehension. There's so much to grieve and only would heighten the thought of something happening to your son or anyone else for that matter.

You mentioned that he would not leave until after your panic attack and you stopped crying. This was so compassionate of him. I am no expert but do you think there could be a possibility that he is distant and not bothering with school because he is also traumatised by seeing death around him and he's worried that something could happen to you? So this is his way of rebelling/coping with the situation?

I am honestly in shock with your situation. I really don't know how you're holding it together. The strain would be unbearable. I take my hat off to your strength, your methodical approach and your wisdom and persistence. I feel a sense of emptiness and heart break hearing what additional factors you're dealing with. I just don't know what to say. That also takes such strength to unload the massive weight you are bearing. Thank you for feeling able to share these personal experiences. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you through this but I honestly believe you're doing a wonderful job at helping yourself.

There is so much sadness and bad news around that it's hard to see through the clouds to the sunshine.

It was meant to be that you got in to see him today and the fact you could connect with shared experiences is definitely an added bonus. That is very helpful.

I feel like we are on the same wavelength. You mentioned the other day about seeing families out and about and social media and how sad it makes you. I know I mentioned my husband and I feel the same and today I had intended (but forget) to write about how I can't stand hearing the news with the Youth crisis (again showing we're not alone) and them saying, 'What are the parents doing?' 'How do they not know where their kids are?' This triggers me immensely. I wonder whether that would be my son. Clearly we're all in the same boat. No one wants it to be 'their' child.

Just like the "How are you?" question and the various whatsapp groups I'm on with friends hearing about everyone's plans and family stories and I always find an excuse not to attend any of the planned get togethers. I am hoping I mask it well with excuses but someone will catch on soon.

I will look up the 'Dare' app. I will try anything at the moment. I mentioned I've been listening to meditation for anxiety and sleep count down meditations and I've noticed that many of them have been narrated by 'Jason Stephenson' I have no idea who he is but I now find his voice rather soothing and the background music he uses. He has quite a few different ones that help me get to sleep (and really stop my mind drifting off to think all the thoughts I would otherwise be worrying about). But I'm going to try the DARE one for sure. Thanks for the tip.

I also wonder how much longer I can continue to work. Not only because I struggle to focus but I have no energy or interest and especially because I am required to be extremely positive and support other people which is so contradictory when I can't even support myself and my own family properly. I need to block that out of my mind for now. Okay, I am starting to waffle now. I think it's time for me to go and download DARE.

I'd like to say keep strong, but unbeknown to you, you really already are. xx

[Sunshine72]

PS. I just searched for the DARE app. I could only find one with a white icon and what looks like a purple person outlined in a flying position?
Is this the one?
It seems to say 2 week free trial then $97.99 charge.

[Sandee]

Hello Sunshine72

Yes the Dare app is white with a purple flying person. You can do the 2 weeks free trial but I at the moment am only doing the free things on it.

Thanks so much for all your kinds words means alot.

Im going to be MIA for a bit as we found out this morning that my brother passed away. So I am having to hand the reigns over to my husband for the week (fingers crossed) as I need to fly to be with my Mum xx

I will check in and hope that you have some better days ahead ad ill be thinking of you xx

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee, my heart is broken for you. I am so so sorry for your loss. Sending my heartfelt condolences. What a traumatic time for you ALL. Please take care of yourselves and each other. I wish there was something I could do to help. You are strong! It’s a tough time but I know you will get through it. Remember all the support services and be sure to use them. Sending you love and light. Thinking of you xxx

[Sandee]

Sunshine72

Thank you xx