10-09-2023 09:43 PM
Hi @Sandee and @Sunshine72, I am really glad to see that you are both finding solidarity and connection together, though of course I wish it weren't such difficult circumstances that have brought you together here on the forums.
It sounds like for both of you, there is a lot of stress in having to sit in uncertainty about the safety and wellbeing of your children and not knowing what it will take for them to feel ready to start accepting help. It is incredible how much strength and resilience you are both demonstrating, both in your individual circumstances and in coming here to support one another as well. It is heartwarming to see.
@Sandee it sounds like you know you do need to take time for yourself, and it's okay to struggle to be able to do so. I think that the suggestions that @Sunshine72 has shared are really insightful, especially finding the small positives that you can, each day. I hope you can find your own ways to cope, and you can also have a look at the ones listed here for more ideas.
@Sunshine72 I really admire your incredibly proactive approach, and can really sense how much that despite all the distress, you are not only keeping yourself busy and taking the time to research things, but also to connect with others and share what you've learned.
You are both on the right track, and whilst it is indeed a tough road to walk, none of us need walk it alone.
10-09-2023 10:16 PM
10-10-2023 08:14 AM
10-10-2023 11:32 AM
@Sunshine72 I'm really glad to hear that the parent coaching service has been helpful for you! You really are doing the best you can and that is shining through in your concern and care for your child.
@Sandee I just wanted to chime in and say that I can see how strong you are being in seeking help with this situation too. It's difficult to be given advice from so many different places and it's great to see you connecting here for suggestions too. Hopefully seeking support from a variety of places can give you the resources you need to keep managing this hard situation with your son. We wanted to check in about how your call with Lifeline went? It's incredibly difficult to be in such a difficult situation with your mental health and we're here to support you in any way we can.
10-10-2023 08:45 PM
10-10-2023 10:16 PM
@Sunshine72 I am glad that you have shared with us about how much this is weighing on you. I can really hear the sorrow and heartbreak this is causing you. I hope that even just the process of writing and sharing has helped you to feel a little lighter. "What's shareable is bearable"; a phrase that has helped me many a time.
I can also see how much you're doing to try to put boundaries and limits in place, and whilst it may be frustrating that he is finding ways around him, I think that consistency is a positive. I also think it is very important to continue to focus on the things you can control, and focus on your own self-care wherever possible. It is definitely tough when you find yourself in situations (like you describe with your workplace) where you feel you have to suppress a lot of what you're feeling, so it is really great that you are then releasing those emotions in a safe space - like here on the forums.
Your hopefulness and perserverance are inspiring, and I am glad that you have continued to share your story here so that others may be inspired too. Thank you.
10-11-2023 10:41 AM
My heart is breaking for you and im crying trying to ride the waves of constant nausea from anxiety while I write this so please forgive me if it get a little disjointed.
I understand exactly what you are going thru I really do we are both sadly in the same position right now. I dont know what to say to make our kids better but to keep trying to tell them we are here for them all the time.
I wish I could hug u too as I feel that as we are both in the same situation we need each others support. We get support elsewhere but they dont know exactly what we are dealing with and its hard.
It's good you are working as it makes you get up and go even though you feel so awful. I dont work so im home in my thoughts and I know people say you need to keep busy but it's sometimes just not that easy. We are rational people but I feel we are just so emotionally overloaded and to be perfectly honest I feel that well at least me that im almost morning the loss of my child. That may sound extreme and people might not understand it but I dont know how else to explain it.
I find I get so triggered when I look on social media or even going to the shops and seeing families together it makes me feel physically ill. I try to remember the quote I read somewhere " Parent the child you have - not the child you wish you had" but its hard to not feel that knot of loss in my stomach.
I actually sat on my sons bed last night when he finally came home and even though he didnt really want to talk I just did. I was emotional I couldnt help it. I tried to explain to him that I cant help wanting to know where he is and want him to go to school its not coming from a place of punishment its because I love and care about him and want the best for him. I am hsi mum and I will never stop worrying about him .
He was still so angry that in his mind he thinks we starved him because we didnt put any money into his account for food over the weekend and I tried to explain that it wasnt a punishment I had no idea where he was because he had turned his life 360 off and I was offering him food here and even offering to go pick him up get him food and take him back to his friends. He just kept saying he didnt turn his life 360 off but I know he did . I wasnt going to argue I just wanted him to know it was coming from a good place.
We touched on the school issue again but only briefly as I didnt want the lines of communication closing off again. It went back and forth a bit and I asked him if he thinks we can just move forward it took a bit but he mumbled yes. What this means I have no idea. Im not sure what will happen re school and that makes me physically ill. I still have no idea what he is doing when he is out and staying at his friends places all weekend, but I have to try. So I asked if he could leave his life 360 on so I know where he is. He still adamantly says it was on maybe his phone was flat but I know he turned it off. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt and deal with things if and when they go wrong which im sure will happen as he is a teen. I did feel a bit better after talking to him last night but this morning im still overridden with anxiety and dry retching and fighting off panic attacks. Its an awful way to live.
Does the school know what is going on with your son? I feel you are doing all the things they say you should , you are letting him know you are there for him and to be honest I dont think there is much more you can do, even though it hurts like hell.
You are not alone I am here and I know what you are feeling 100%. Im not sure where you are located or if you can private message on here but if you ever need to let me know
You are doing a good job you really are and I truely believe you are stronger than I am.
I wish that things were different for us I truly do but I just hope we can both get thru this xx
10-11-2023 06:51 PM
10-11-2023 07:23 PM
10-11-2023 08:23 PM - last edited on 10-16-2023 11:22 AM by Stormy-RO
OMG you have certainly had a day of it and I really feel for you x Im so glad we have each other to vent to and lean on right now as I too think it helps.
Please never ever apologise for venting thats what we need and sometimes it may help so vent away anytime.
Im not sure if my little breakthrough will do much but its a start and ill take it.
I know what you mean by not wanting to eat but you need to try even if it makes you sick. I had trouble eating a month or so ago because of the stress and ended up in hospital for 3 days on a drip it was awful and I dont want that for you.
I went to my GP again today and they did a mental health plan for me as they could see how distressed I was. The school had called me this morning wanting a meeting with D** to discuss options and wanted me to ask D** so that sent me into a fit of anxiety thinking how on earth I was going to approach the subject. I went up to his room and just said they had rung and wanted a meeting not because he was in trouble but to see if they could offer some solutions to try and get him to engage in some sort of education.
Well that didnt go well. He said they are just trying to kick him out. I tried to explain it but he wasnt having it. I was so emotional I actually had a panic attack. I didnt want to or mean to it just happened and he was a bit shocked I think . he was about to go out but wouldnt go until I had stopped crying. After a bit he eventually went out and had turned his life 360 back on. He asked for money for lunch and I gave it to him.
He then text early and said he was coming home so I offered to pick him up. In the car ( cause he has to sort of listen ) I told him that his dad had called the school and that we didnt need a meeting and that we were giving him the week off and he would be back Monday. I expected him sot say no but he said do I have to go back till the end of the year and I said well no but if you dont go there you need to go somewhere to finish the year. He didnt say anything and im taking that as a positive well Im trying too.
Im trying to cut myself a break and deal with it on Monday so I have a few days hopefully with less anxiety. Sunday night maybe different but if he doesnt go Monday then I have to stick to my guns and say ok but im not funding you to go out to meet your mates when you should be at school. It will be the hardest thing and he will probably take off but I cant keep living like this in fear constantly.
You really are doing everything you can . I mean that I really do. I know it doesnt feel like that I totally understand but you ARE!
We cannot be responsible for our kids moods we just need to be responsible for how we react to them. OMG listen to me I sound strong now but I will be a basket case again for sure.
Im just trying to accept thing that are happening in the moment but its one of the hardest things I have ever done and im constantly stuffing up.
I understand how you and your husband feel re seeing other families its just so sad that we dont have that I constantly think what have I done wrong. Do you have any other kids? I have a beautiful daughter who is 25yrs who I miss terribly especially now. I never had these issues with her. They do not get along which is also sad. I keep thinking maybe when my son is older they might.
Oh and the GP said when I was telling him what was going on with my son and my Mum and brother he is saying you need to set firm boundaries and you need to know all of his friends. OMG yes I would love to do all that but its not that simple when you have a child who refuses to talk to you refuses to tell you who the friends are or where they live and as soon as you put any restrictions on them they just up and leave.
Now im rambling sorry. Please know I am thinking of you and m here when you need to vent xx
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