Hello Sunshine 72 and @mmjmmj
Sorry I have been MIA just trying to deal with alot as im sure both of you can understand.
@Sunshine72 I have been thinking of you and hope that you may have had a few better days x
@mmjmmj Im sorry to hear you are also going thru this it is so hard and extremely frustrating.
Sorry long post
On our front things have been good and not good. My husband and I had a light bulb moment last night that may explain a few things that have been happening.
For years I always believed my son had ODD , he appeared to display all the signs and when alot younger we tried to have him assessed and the dr said he is on the border of the spectrum but I never pushed it and I should have.
When we saw the physiologist and we told him what had been happening and that I had always thought my son may have some sort of ODD he said that it maybe time to stop thinking of him as being a pain in the **bleep** teenager and take a step back and try and see what is triggering these reactions. And if we think he maybe ODD then giving him ultimatums or trying to push him to do anything will only result in him pushing back harder and fracturing our relationship even more.
My husband and I did some research and all the signs point to ODD. It was even more apparent last night. My son was going to a concert that all his friends were going to and he had been looking forward to it for a long time. He had told me the day earlier that he had sold his ticket to buy food as in his words because we had starved him and wouldnt give him money for food. We clearly hadn't starved him we just weren't giving him money or funding his social life as he we was refusing to go to school . We had told him there was food here at home and even offered the whole weekend (previously) to go and pick him up feed him then drop him off.Anyway yesterday he said that he hadn't actually sold his ticket but he was going to because we had starved him. So I didnt react and then his mates came here and my husband drove them to the concert. The concert was 1 hour away so my husband had to drive them there come home then go back at night and pick them up over a 4 hour return trip.,which he was happy to do as we didnt want them going on public transport.
In the car on the way my son couldnt find his ticket. He went from 0 to 100 in an instant . Calling me swearing not at me but swearing having a complete meltdown in front of his friends and blaming us for starving him.I calmly told him to not speak like that and I would look on internet to buy another ticket as we had all the other kids so no choice really but there was no settling him down. Even his friends were trying. Anyway eventually one of his friends grabbed his phone and found his ticket.
Instantly he was back to normal. A long winded story but trying to explain that when things dont go his way or he is forced he has no control over his reactions and has a full blown stress response ( like a tantrum) . It also doesnt matter who is there either he just cant stop.
Symptoms of ODD may include: frequent temper tantrums excessive arguing with adults active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior often being touchy or easily annoyed by others frequent anger and resentment mean and hateful talking when upset seeking revenge
I am no expert but my son fits all of the above
Alot of his friends are younger than him and again I feel that this is also linked to ODD as because they are younger they look up to him and give him validation whereas most of the kids his age probably dont understand when he has an outburst.
There are lot more things but I could go on for ages but he really does fit into this pattern. My husband and I are both very organised and I would say like things in control which is the exact opposite of what my son needs.
My husband and I have tried the hard line approach and its not working it just makes things worse so we are trying to change our parenting style to a more guidance rather than you have to ....
It's not easy and we are still going to restrict the amount of money we give him but word it in a more guiding way rather than a punishment or ultimatum. Hope that makes sense.
It's not going to be easy and it will probably take my son a while to get over us " starving him" as he says but we have to try. I am looking at finding some parenting course for kids with ODD as well to help better educate us. And I also hope that its not too late to rebuild what is clearly broken.
I would love to get a formal diagnosis but at my sons age I cant force him to go and see someone it has to be his decision and with ODD I also dont want to label him as this would just lower his self esteem even more.
We both need now to focus on trying to rebuild our fractured relationship which I know wont be easy but 1 step at a time. We now know we can set boundaries but just not telll him they are boundaries if that makes sense as as soon as he hears boundaries or consequences then he pushes back so it needs to be guided and focus more on the little positives that we may get and acknowledging them .
My husband and I talked thru a small plan re giving a little money even though he isnt going to school but not enough so that hopefully he may reconsider himself down the track or even think about getting a job. This way it's almost like a bit of a compromise without the lecture. Again hard to explain and far too long to write out here. We are also going to contact the school nd see what we can do to get him to pass year 9 again it may not happen and we need to accept that as he is more important then school.
Im not saying our issues are fixed by any means but I feel better knowing what im dealing with just wish I had known earlier.
Its a long road ahead but we have to try.
Sorry this is all about me but I am thinking of you guys
Take care x
