I've learnt my daughter is hooking

[Helplessmum]

I'm lost. My daughter who has always been so caring, kind and thoughtful, I've now learnt has been prostituting. She's been working for a few months and apparently loves her job. The news, which came from someone else, has rocked my world. I am an educated woman, always had an amazing relationship with my daughter, and now my world has fallen apart.

i have an illness and have been very sick. Life is not something I've taken for granted, but now my days a single mid 50s woman has been rocked to pieces by my daughter's news. I have confronted her, and she knows the news kills me, and although she doesn't want our relationship to change, it has and it will.

i have lost trust in her and I can't live the rest of my life a lie to protect her. 

Many people will have suggestions and judgment, but when there is no care or remorse for the pain that I have to deal with, it is hard to trust and plan my life ahead with my child,

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @Helplessmum, thanks for sharing your story here. It sounds like your world has been torn apart. It really has been difficult for you to hear this news alongside everything else that you have been going through. Your daughter sounds really important to you and it is great that you have had a really close relationship with her. I am sorry to hear that the recent news has changed a lot of things for you, including your relationship with her. What happened when you confronted your daughter, what did you talk about? You mentioned it is hard for you to plan your life with your child, what would you like your future to look like? 

I will tag some other members for their support through this @arnokenway @taokat @hippychick @sunflowermom @softballmum @Zoesplace @Caz01

[Helplessmum]

Current I have so much pain, but no one to talk to. I couldn't tell anyone else through shame, and also she doesn't want me to tell anyone.  My prospective partners would not understand, and I'd be ashamed to tell them. 

I will always love her, but being treated like this hurts too much. I feel I have to start looking after myself, as the trust has been ruined between us. I feel I need to distance myself from her to a degree to avoid continual hurt by her.

[Helplessmum]

She knows this hurts me very much, and doesn't want our relationship to change, but she refuses to stop. The hurt comes from her lack of care of the hurt this has caused us.

[Tulip]

Hi @Helplessmum how very sad and heartbreaking for you to see your precious daughter doing this. I hope it helped you to share your story .Can you get your daughter to counselling? It's understandable you are upset and angry with her, you might need to have a bit of space or distance for yourself so you can process this and work out what to do. Can you go away for a few days ? Sometimes if I go for a walk in nature it clears my head and I can work out some kind of plan. Take care x

[gina-Ro]

Hi @Helplessmum 

Sounds like this information was a massive shock for you to find out, and very difficult for you to reconcile with the relationship you have had with your daughter up to this point.  You mentioned that you've been sick recently as well - so I can only imagine how difficult things are right now. 

Everyone above has suggested great things around self-care  - prioritising yourself, and spending time processing this information. I think it's important that you give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling about this, and find ways to process.

You mentioned that your daughter is happy in this work, and that she doesn't want her relationship with you to change - that's a real positive for both of you - and hopefully something you can work out together. 

Working in the sex industry does not mean that your daughter isn't also still the caring, kind and thoughtful person you know her to be. 

It might help to think about the values that your daughter holds that are different to your own.

I obviously don't know anything about your daughter's reasons for working in this area, but people go into this work for a variety of reasons. 

If you're both comfortable, maybe you could have a discussion around the things you're worried about in this line of work - and the reasons she has chosen to do it. It might be difficult to keep connected in this conversation but try to focus on the positives about your relationship , in the quest for deeper understanding each other's points of view.

Can I also ask how old your daughter is? 

[Helplessmum]

Many thanks. My daughter is 25.

Yes, it is a massive shock as it's made me look at her differently and I feel like she is not someone i realised she was.

My main hurt comes from the fact that she knows how much this hurts me, and would do other people if they knew, but this appears to be more important than our relationship. I struggle of course with what happens in an evening's work and why she would want this to be her future.

Ive had some time out but still struggle to accept this. I probably always will.

We are starting to work on our relationship which took a back step when i reacted badly to the fact i could not control this. Although I feel our relationship will never be the same while she's doing this. I'm not sure id we're better off attending counselling together or separately.

[hippychick]

@Helplessmum I think its great that your daughter has been open and honest about the occupation she is in at the moment. Thats a credit to you and her that your relationship has always been about honesty and she respects you enough to give you the truth. She is also confident enough to know that even though you are deeply disappointed by her current occupation, she must feel so deeply safe and loved by you that you will never ever turn your back on her - that your love for her is unconditional. So you have raised her right and raised her to believe that you give her unconditional love.

I do not believe she is doing the job she is doing to hurt you. I think she is finding her direction in life as an independent person. She will probably do many things to hurt you as she navigates her way though life and if she always has you as her rock, she will come out the other end just fine.

As hard as it is for you to accept what she does for a job, could you perhaps ask her what an average night looks like for her? I can understand that will be hard for you to listen to but also it may give you some peace of mind and maybe take the fear out of it a bit. Also, talking about it with her may make her feel that you are gradually becoming more accepting of her. You may also want to do some online research. Join some forums and learn more about it. Talking to a psychologist for a few sessions may also help. I feel more than anything, this is hurting you because you may feel that she is not sharing all the values you instilled in her but she is. Shes being honest and open with you. Thats such an important...in fact I would say the most important key in a close relationship.

As hard as it is, please just love her. This job may or may not pass but it does not define you and it does not define her.

Love and blessings to you...

[Helplessmum]

My daughter did not tell me. I leant from someone else, then confronted her. You can imagine how terribly awful that was. She hid this from me because she knew I wouldn't be happy. 

I also do not believe she is doing this to hurt me, but she now knows how much this hurts and is now knowingly hurting me. I get that she is an adult and is making her own decisions and not all will agree with my values and desires for her future.

i will always love her, but I don't believe I have to support her in every decision she makes, especially those that can be harmful to her body, mind and spirit and hurtful to her family.

i have had an incredibly difficult time with my other daughter for approx 15 years, and now this new episode starts with the other. Together with ongoing illness, an unhappy past marriage, etc this difficulty in my family life has spanned over 30 years and effects my health, which is a life threatening illness. While your response is ideal, there is a time where I need to stand up and live my own life rather than supporting everyone else every step of the way. The love of my daughter is not in question. As a parent and role model, I believe it's my role to teach her what is/not acceptable to me and what level I will support and what is pushes me too far, rather than make her feel that every decision she makes is ok.

[Tulip]

Hi @Helplessmum, it is hard being a single mum and feeling like you have no-one to lean on, we are all here to listen. It sounds like you have been such a loving mum but I think it's time to start loving you and putting yourself first because you said you are unwell and we can't help anyone else if we are sick. Sending you a big hug 🤗