Son spending time with new girlfriend and getting into trouble

[Mum2017]

That is peefectly ok. I would love to hear from other parents with a similar situation as i am finding it hard to monitor and keep my son from been in trouble.

[Torry_Cox]

This is a very difficult situation. It is very important to talk with the child, but in this growth the child already considers himself to be an adult, and does as he thinks is right, and as a rule it differs from what the parents say. It seems to me that you need to talk to him as an adult and not as a son. Sit down and just talk, look in your eyes and see if he understands what you're talking about with him. It is not necessary to talk about who to be friends with and with whom not. It is worth saying that he must choose with whom to communicate but not do stupid things and analyze everything. Prohibitions never help, teens will do everything they are forbidden.

[Ngaio-RO]

@Lily17 Is it bad that I laughed at your kids reply? 

That's the problem with raising smart kids, they can find an answer to everything. 

Great idea, by the way. I agree that using 'big ticket' items to negotiate behaviour is a good way to go.

Of course, a lot of it will depend on how genuinely keen he is to go. My suggestion is to try not to get too much from him in return for the trip but, instead, present it as the start of a new agreement between the two of you.

A lot of parents use the milestone of turning 16 as an opportunity to introduce some new responsibilities and privileges. For example, an extended curfew in exchange for agreeing to always respond to texts when you check in. There are lots of options you can explore, particularly because he's now at an age where some things are allowed that previously weren't. I've worked with parents who, on their teenager turning 16, have decided they will allow the boyfriend/girlfriend to stay over (as long as the partner is 16 too) but the teenager must return to the house rather than stay out.  Please don't feel like you have to go down that road though, many parents remain uncomfortable with teenagers having sex either under 18 or before marriage, so they don't condone it through allowing partners to stay overnight, which is 100% your choice.

The main thing is to work out what you want to achieve and then develop a plan to get there. Coaching can be awesome to help you do that. It's free and done online and then over the phone. The coach is a trained professional from The Benevolent Society who have been delivering face to face coaching for a number of years. The thing I like best about this service is that it's something you can start straight away and you can get what you need in as little as one session of two hours. But, if you want to go deeper and learn more you can have additional sessions. All fitting around your schedule.  If you want to have a look, click here.

[Mum2017]

So this situation has escalated to another situation involving the police and I have had enough.My son lost his Ls last night by being caught driving without a licensed superviser. Fined $818 which I have to pay as my son has no job. I really don't know what to do anymore. I was at work doing night shift when this occurred. He isn't remorseful and he is infact down right rude and disrespectful to me. I don't know how to help him. He was visiting his girlfriend in hospital who seriously self-injured herself. I am totally beside myself as I come from a good family and up bringing and this is totally not what I thought would be happening to my son.

[Ben-RO]

Hi @Mum2017 I'm so sorry to hear that. That sounds absolutely frustrating, upsetting and incredibly stressful. It must be painful to work so hard to support your son and to experience a reaction like that .  How can we help you best at the moment?

Also just a heads up, i edited your post a little bit because it contained a graphic detail which is something that we try not to post- just incase it brings back similarly tough memories for others. This is not a big issue in any way shape or form, just thought i'd let you know. Hope that's okay.

[Beingme2017]

hi @Mum2017 I am so sorry this situation has taken such a turn. It must be so worrying for you and yes I understand how you must be feeling like you are out of options as to what to do next!

You mentioned he has been more involved with alcohol and some drug taking since this new girlfriend? I think you can probably attribute a lot of his behaviour and actions to that at the moment, even though it doesn't make it any easier - his rudeness and lack of accountability as well as poor decisions probably boil down to impaired judgements? Just a thought.  Im sure you have instilled some great skills and values in your son that will certainly show itself again down the track but Im guessing right now the girlfriend and this lifestyle is more important to him.

I think the trip away is an excellent opportunity to take him away from the current situation and temptations, and I agree totally - show him the world is a bigger place than what he is currently involved in.

You've got all the right ideas and intentions, please keep posting in here as you have plenty of support - having a sounding board releases a little of the pressure doesn't it.

[LovingThruBlue]

@Mum2017, my gosh you have so much going on at the moment. I'm really hoping that the upcoming trip away allows some time for your son to see the bigger picture. He is so young and teens can get so caught up in their situations and not see outside of it. 

(also, sorry i accidentally clicked like instead of reply). 

[taokat]

Hi @Mum2017, you sound so distraught and I'm sorry you and your son are going through this. It can be incredibly upsetting not knowing the right move to make when our kids have lost their way. 

It also hurts when they are treating us with contempt, and I hear your frustration at having to pay your son's fine because he doesn't have the means to. With mine I always took that attitude she gave me as 'she just doesn't care', and as you say, had no remorse. I found it frustrating because not being sorry doesn't leave me much to work with. Our case worker taught me though that if she didn't care, she wouldn't get angry or take it out on me. She was that way towards me because she was feeling sorry or guilty, but she didn't know how to deal with that appropriately. It doesn't excuse the behaviour or the language they choose, but I just hoped to give you a different perspective on it. And knowing that helped me to realise there was actually a lot to work with. Within that I could find hope.

Do you feel a huge fine like that deserves some consequence? I'm not sure what that would look like, but if you're interested we could do some brainstorming. It's 100% up to you, and I completely respect your decision. 

If my daughter's being rude or nasty, I'll tell her how it makes me feel, using the 'I' statements. For example instead of saying 'you really hurt me by saying that', I'll say 'I feel really hurt when you say that'. That way we're letting them know we're hurt or upset or whatever it may be, but we're not placing blame which usually results in conflict. It's a very non-confrontational way of communicating.

Have you considered the parent coaching through ReachOut? I plug it a lot, not just as a parent peer supporter, but mainly as a parent. I made use of the coaching earlier this year and want everyone to benefit from it! The coach works with your strengths as a parent (of which we have many by the way!), gives practical suggestions to try straight away, and coaching is flexible and free. You can find the link here if you'd like to find out more.

I apologise if you've been asked already, but what do you do to look after you? Do you have something that is your go to, to unwind and destress? We need to remember 'me' otherwise we find ourselves trying to run on empty, which isn't sustainable. 

I hope you've had a relatively peaceful few days.