THE HATRED YOU FEEL OVER YOUR 16YR OLD VERSES THE GUILT YOU FEEL FOR HATRED!!! For

[Jeb-03]

THE HATRED YOU FEEL OVER YOUR 16YR OLD VERSES THE GUILT YOU FEEL FOR HATRED!!!

For the last 6 months my 16YR has been a nightmare and has no intention or care factor of changing. I was totally aware of expecting normal teenage behaviours and mistakes, but when there is no remorse or acknowledgement and what it’s doing to me/ the rest of the family - it’s hard.
She is our eldest of 3, and has always had signs of anxiety and I would even say mild anti social behaviours. We nearly lost her 6 months ago due to alcohol and I guess that was the beginning, we had given her trust to go to parties etc but after this night, things have never been the same. We have given her the trust back time after time (after normally a week a two grounding - which only has been twice ) but she continues to break the trust by either saying she’s going to the movies but jumping in cars with friends to still drinking at parties , throwing it in our faces that we are strict, which I don’t think we are, we have never been close but we can’t even talk to each other without it ending in an argument. I’ve tried to be better person and honestly there is only so much rudeness that a person can take to break and I do know I have to toughen up but hoping some other parents have experienced similar behaviour and suggest ideas how to get through this . TIA

[Breez-RO]

Hi @Jeb-03 thanks so much for posting and I am so sorry about this challenging experience with your Daughter.

That is strong language around your child - do you really feel you hate your Daughter? If this is the case it is highly likely she is attuned to that and in return is offering you behaviour such as acting out. Given how serious this is for you and the family have you considered doing family therapy together? Sometimes having a third party in the room for both parent and teenager can result in a quicker recovery process during this very hormonal phase. She will feel  heard and you will also feel heard. Is this something you would consider? Keen to hear from you.

[Sister]

I'm sure you don't "hate" your daughter, Jeb. But you do "hate" her behaviours at the moment.

Try and get some counselling if you can. Even the online coaching. I've just started and it really helps to discuss problems (in your case issues around trust with your daughter plus the concerns over alcohol and her behaviour in general). I'm also going to get individual counselling and my son is seeing a psychologist.

In my situation, its going to be a long road and for the moment I am just trying to work on acceptance of my sons mental illness plus strategies to help deal with his swearing, moods and hostility. The online coaching on this site can really help you, Jeb so you can deal with your daughters behaviours more smoothly.

Good luck.

Sister

[waldo_pepper]

Jeb-03, I think Sister is correct, you don't really hate your daughter, it's her behaviour that you hate. That behaviour is extremely challenging, at least it was to me. It is very likely intentional by Missy to exert control over you and the family. I have no magic bullets but I found great comfort in some close friends who were always up for a coffee and ready to allow me to let it all out - such friends are priceless. I hope that you have some similar friends.

I know it's easy for me to sit here at the keyboard with good advice, but some years back I had some similar problems with my son. Not as extreme as yours I admit but bad enough with Police bringing him home drunk at age 16, that sort of stuff. Good news - he survived, woke up to himself and is now finishing off his Law degree at uni. So there is hope.

[Schooner]

Well @Jeb-03, I agree.

My kids have driven me to anger plenty of times. I remember once at dinner they seemed to gang up on me and take turns at taking shots! The ungrateful little......

When the kids make me see red I try to separate myself until it has passed. I tell myself this is not forever (which I really believe) and I do something else to distract myself. In other words I try to do what I tell the kids they should do when I see they are loosing it. 

You shouldn't feel guilty, you are human and you have limits. While I know that is the truth, I too feel a little guilt sometimes. It turns out I'm not perfect - my kids point that out often   But I keep trying.

My eldest (21) is now living in London. She sent me a note at Christmas time to say how much she appreciated the things we had done for her. Yep, one successfully launched. Two more to go.

Keep trying Jeb

Cheers