Teenage drug use

[saphyra]

I found some marijuana and a bong in my 17 year old daughters room today, I knew she was smoking even though she has constantly lied about it. The thing that made me angry was we had recently talked about how I feel about drugs in the house and she sat there looked me in the eye while her dope stash was sitting in the cupboard and promised she wouldn’t bring it into the house.
I have another child and one on the way and I already lived a childhood filled with drugs, violence and police raids. All of this I have talked to her about extensively as I feel very strongly about it.
Well since confronting her about what I found she has refused to acknowledge any responsibility or wrong doings on her part and refused to come home, she is acting like a 5 year old, and now she is saying she never wants to live here anymore and she has hated it here for years.
I am emotionally drained by the last 5-7 years of emotional blackmail, lies and constant battle with her “mental health” last year she disclosed to a school Counsellor she was abused by a cousin, when I tried to talk about it she refused, she didn’t want help or to go to the police. She has since asked to spend time with the person she accused wants to be friends and hang out, they are only 2 years age different. I never called her a liar about this but I feel like she lied to get out of school, she even said that the Counsellor forced her to admit to something so she could go home. I was taking her to counseling and even a psychiatrist but and I know this sounds aweful but I now feel like she is faking mental health to get her own way and manipulate me. She has threatened suicide on many occasions when she hasn’t gotten her own way, constantly lies about why she doesn’t want to go to school (blames it on mental health when I know it is because her friend won’t be at school or she has a class she doesn’t like).
I feel like I have totally failed as a parent, I just want her out of my house which makes me feel worse.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @saphyra,

That is such a hard situation you are in right now- I can imagine it is taking an emotional toll  I can hear from your post that you have been doing everything you can to support your daughter, and help her access mental health support when she needed it. She is very lucky to have a parent who cares as much about her wellbeing as you do- we can see just how much you want to help her get through this and take some safe and positive steps forward in her life.

You mentioned that your daughter has seen counsellors and psychiatrists before, what is their take on her wellbeing? Have you had the opportunity to speak to them about your concerns and what is happening at home and school?

Finding out that your daughter is using drugs must be really challenging, particularly when you have been very clear about the expectations in your home. Is she still living at home at the moment? I would encourage you to have a look at some of the posts in the community from @Mumofboys_23here, @blondemum  here and @Dad4good here who have all spoken about teens and marijuana use- you are certainly not alone  

We would love to hear back from you and see how these last few days have been for you 

[saphyra]

I managed to get her to come home as she was staying at her nans/dads and found that no one was checking on her. I didn’t feel safe leaving her there so I used some conflict resolution techniques and got her to return home where she isn’t alone.

We have had a major battle today about her attitude that almost turned violent, she is hard to communicate with some times and she gets aggressive when she feels I’m not listening to her, I also have a temper when I feel disrespected sometimes these traits do not mix well.
She has good strategies and understanding of her behaviour and actions which can be amazing at times.
It is like a roller coaster of emotions in this house at the moment and we all seem to be tip toeing around each other. We saw a Counsellor again today and will continue with that, she hasn’t been diagnosed with any mental health disorder at this time.

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @saphyra, great to hear that you were able to get your daughter to come home. Those combinations of traits do sound like they have the potential to create conflict. How is the situation managed if your daughter or yourself respond with a temper? It is not always easy to be mindful of or to control.

It is great that you have been working with a counsellor What sort of tools and suggestions have they offered which have been helpful so far?

[PapaBill]

Hi @sahara

Definitely sounds like it vou having a lot of turmoil in your and daughters life.

With most teens somedays you feel like things are improving (like when you got home) and some days things seem to fall apart (like finding drugs and lies)

That you are keeping in there battling for you daughters well being is a credit to you and a blessing to your daughter, though she would not thinks so now.

Sounds like you using the support of councillors etc which is great.

We all want to be listened too and I am sure you have been through learning all about active listening.

Trouble is sometimes people equate not being agreed with as not being listened to. Try repeating back what you hear to her before stating your position

The other suggestions I would have is.. you will never win a discussion on attitude. Try focusing on behaviours. They are quantifiable and therefore thing that you can talk to

Remember to keep hanging in there fot your daughter and the rest of your family.
They benefit from your care and love Even if they don't realise it today

[saphyra]

Thank you for those bits of advice, things I had never thought of before. And the kind words of support are always needed and appreciated.

[Nikkita]

I found similarities between my son & your daughter. Similarities, has used how he's feeling to not attend certain classes (mainly because he doesn't like the teacher). I recently found a bong in his room & threw it out. Have spoken to him honestly about the dangers of drugs & mental illness (we have a family member with drug induced mental illness). One difference is I know my son is depressed, he is on medication, had his first session at headspace last week. He's also started self-harming. He says he feels numb. He lied to me about being at the movies tonight. I was about to go and pick him up & saw him stumbling up the street. He'd been drinking. I could smell it on him. I just had a sip was his reply. His white shirt was dirty. I told him to stop lying and to go to bed.
I think being honest with your teen is important and that's what you are doing. She knows how you feel and what you're thinking. If you didn't care you wouldn't bother.
I don't know if this is a stage some teens go through and as parents we have to ride it out ???
It is scary & hard work.
Please don't feel like you're the only one going through this emotional roller coaster.
I wish I could offer more advice & support & not just that my son is going through similar stuff.
Sending you strength.
Keep up the good parenting.

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @Nikkita, that sounds pretty rough. It must be difficult to manage all of these things that are going on for you with your son. It is great that your son has had some support at Headspace.. is there any support you receive for yourself? I imagine all of this must take a toll on you. As you said, an emotional roller coaster.. that must get tiring after a short while! It sounds difficult to know how to handle all of these situations and I can tell that you are trying your best. I also edited out the method of self-harm in your post, as this could trigger other users.

Thanks for your support and sharing that with us

[Nikkita]

I have had some counselling on and off. I mainly talk about what my son is going through and how I can help him.
It is hard. I have to keep reminding myself that I can't keep wishing for the responsible, level headed child I had up until 2.5 years ago & accept this is who he is now.
I try to listen when he's confiding in me & think carefully about how to word my responses without judgement & emotion. Sometimes I really don't know what to say. It's really difficult when you hear your child say something or they have done something that you do not agree with or condone.
Feeling sad and disappointed at the moment. Wondering why he chose to drink & lie to me. Wondering how to talk to him without him shutting me off.
Ughhh.

[Nikkita]

I also find reading & posting on these forums helps to release emotions and concerns. I don't feel so alone, knowing that other parents are going through similar or even the same things. Reading about other teens that feel and act like my son help me to know that he's not the only one going through this. It's odd because you "hear" about things teens do but of course you hope and pray your child won't become involved in those things but when they do (& others around you have responsible teens) you do feel like you're the only parent dealing with these behaviors and wonder what you did wrong but reading the posts on these forums confirms I'm not the only one & my son isn't the only one going through this.