Verbal abusive teenager

[Tisme]

I have a 17 year old daughter almost 18. I doubt I could address everything on a forum however I'm sick to the back teeth of her. She lays in bed all day literally. I go into her room at 2pm to say she needs to get up I get screamed at to get out. Her room is a mess everything on the floor. Her bathroom is disgusting full of sanitary pads on the floor urine and vomit. When she goes out on a rare occasion I clean it other wise I get screamed at to get out. She screams at the top of her voice at me and her father. There is no respect. She got kicked out of college as she didn't attend. We have tried to sit her down and talk to her. I've booked appointments at mental health she misses them. She makes a utter mess every where she goes tells me to F off. She has always been difficult and I dread going to bed on a night as I don't know what I will wake up to as I have to walk on eggshells as she just screams and shouts. She does nothing all day accept go on her mobile phone which I pay for or watch TV. Its got to the point where she is 18 in weeks and I've told my husband to tell her to move out. She wants for nothing we pay for her car give her money and all she does is disrespect us. She screams at the top of her voice swearing and the neighbours can hear if she gets asked to do anything for example tidy her room or get out of bed before 4pm. Any advice.

[gina-Ro]

hi @Tisme - thank you for joining us , and sharing a bit of what's going on for your family. 

Wow - that must be such a painful and frustrating experience. It can be so difficult (sometimes impossible) to understand why your teen is behaving the way they are...and it seems that your daughter is pretty hard for you to connect with or communicate with at the moment. 
How long has it been like this? have you had a positive relationship in the past? 

I also want to ask what support you have in place for yourself.. It's not easy dealing with that level of stress and conflict   - how are you looking after yourself in all this? 

If you'd like to talk this out with someone and get professional advice - you can call the parent line or contact another mental health service such as your local headspace .

Is your daughter open at all to accessing her own mental health support? Or doing things that she may enjoy that might be helpful for her mood - like sports, or activities? What are some positive things she enjoys? 

We have some information and content over here that you might find helpful to read -as well as here. 

Other parents on the forum have brought up similar difficult behaviors with their teens, and I'm hoping they can jump in and give you some advice and insights from their experiences. 

Know that you have our support, and we are hear to listen to you and help you find the right avenues of support for you and your teen. let us know how you're going this weekend 

[Tulip]

Hi @ Tisme sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, it's frustrating not knowing what to do. I agree with @gina-Ro that you need some self care and time out too so you can feel a bit better in yourself and also getting your daughter to access some kind of mental health support. I'm not sure how to do that if she is refusing though.
My daughters room can get quite bad too but I just stopped cleaning it and let her do it when she is ready. I also don't collect her clothes if she runs out she will wash them now. I only wash the clothes that are put in the basket. Since I have been thinking of my own health and giving a bit less our situation seems to have improved. I hope this helps.Hang in there x

[Tisme]

Hi,
If I leave her room she still would not tidy it. She would wear every item of clothing she had and after I left her to her own devices with a bedroom that resembled hoarders I had to clean it for hygiene reasons. She has no interests and no hobbies I've tried to get her interested. I've tried to get through to many of these help lines they are always engaged and offer little help. What ever I say or do she picks a fight. To be honest I would rather she moved out. I've tried everything with her. It's not just me it's the whole family who find her attitude and behaviour disgusting. An example is we were moving house recently. She was told daily for three months to start to tidy her room and pack. She laid in bed playing games on her mobile doing her usual thing of nothing. Everytime she was asked to do it it was screaming and shouting. She would not let us touch her stuff. Basically the night before the move her grandma came through and helped. We got moved and all she did was moan scream and shout that she could not find anything as her grandma should not have packed up her stuff. Her stuff incidentally is still all over her floor months down the line. As for my health I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and she could not care less. Her behaviour was like this before my diagnosis so it's nothing to do with this. She is 18 soon. I would never treat my parents like she treats us.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Tisme,

It sounds like you have tried a lot of different strategies to help your daughter. I can only imagine how upsetting and frustrating it is for you and the rest of the family. It must be difficult to understand what is going on for her as well, given her behaviour. Are there any current supports that she uses? I can tell that this has had a dramatic impact on your family and the situation seems to be quite tense for everyone. It sounds like you are really considering her moving out. Is this something you have spoken to her about? What support would you both need to be able to make this decision with the best outcome?

[Tisme]

Hi,
Her behaviour has always been difficult every decision we make has to revolve round her and always has. Due to her verbal abusive and lazyness I have to her to get her own flat then she can do as she pleases. I've tried everything with her also other family and siblings have.

[taokat]

Hi @Tisme, I just wanted to check in see how you’ve been since your last post.

I’m sorry to hear you are ill and that your daughter isn’t showing you she loves you. I have no doubt she loves you very much, but it must be hurtful feeling she hasn’t made any efforts. 

Things sound really tough and you sound at the end of your tether after dealing with difficult behaviours for a long time. It’s frustrating and exhausting and it can be hard to know what to do next. 

Do you have any idea what might be behind your daughter’s behaviour and verbal aggression? 

My daughter can be very similar and will get angry to keep people at a distance so she doesn’t have to face what’s going on. Her comfort zone is very small and she spends a lot of time in her room as well. I haven’t won the battle with the pig sty which is her bedroom, so I put a small bin in there for her rubbish. The other mess I’ve learnt to turn a blind eye to, as much as it irks me! Like you, I also clean and tidy when she’s not home, purely for my own satisfaction I’ll admit. 

You were saying that your daughter wants for nothing, and I’m wondering how you’d feel about getting her to earn some of those privileges? You’d need to brace for the hurricane! I’ve had amazing results though once my daughter’s realised the boundary is firm, and I’m no longer nervous about setting boundaries which amazes me when I think back to the explosive episodes we started with.

I can completely understand that you’re angry, and can also tell that you love your daughter because you’ve reached out for support. Teenagers brains are going through huge changes, and I’ve found it helpful to remember that it’s my daughter’s behaviours I don’t always like, my daughter I love very much. It helps with the sting sometimes.

Hang in there 

[Faob_1]

Hi @Tisme , I’ve read your post and I think I have some similar experiences as you, but in my case it’s with my 15 , now almost 16 y o son. Our family put up with the bathroom mess, verbal abuse, physical abuse, threats of violence, destruction of property and personal injury for a year. I then drew the line in the sand and he was removed from home via a Restraining Order. It broke our hearts and I am still dealing with the anguish of that decision.

Can I say this...there are Youth Accommodation services available in your community, assuming you are in a city. There are Centrelink payments available when there is family breakdown and kids can access these. You do not have to pay for her phone. You do not have to put up with the abuse. You can change locks. You can put a lock on the bathroom door. She wants it, she cleans it. You do not have to put up with verbal abuse.  I spent thousands on psych appts, counsellor, expeditions, to no avail. We reached a point where we walked on eggshells and even stayed at work until all hours to avoid being in our home. Our dog was terrified of our son, who had been her rescuer. THis was unsustainable . You have a huge health issue to deal with yourself. Your daughter is almost legally an adult. She can go adult somewhere else. You do not have to find her a flat, nor pay the rent, nor to pay her petrol. 

Please, I know it sounds harsh, but please, some kids need to learn another way. She knows how to clean. She knows what hygiene means. Stop letting her be in the driving seat. Take back your own home, life and focus on your health. My son stood at the foot of my ICU bed a year ago and I could see he didn’t care one iota how sick his mum was. 

Please, I know you will shed bucketloads of tears, but please just retake your life.

Thinking of you.

[Taylor-RO]

Sorry to hear about your struggle @Faob_1, it sounds like you have really taken control over the situation. You offer valuable insightful that sounds quite similar to @Tisme's situation. I am glad you recognise the difficulty in doing what you did but it sounds like it has worked out for you and your family. Each situation is different and isn't it amazing how we can all come together to talk about it and share problem solving tools?

What did you do to look after yourself while you were going through it @Faob_1? It might be helpful for some other members when they are in such a tense and stressful situation.

[Faob_1]

@Taylor-RO @Tisme Hi again. There is no easy solution to this problem, but for me, when I returned from 2 weeks away to find my home had been damaged yet again and my husband had 3 broken ribs and the Police had put a 48 hour VRO on my son, I decided enough was enough.  I know my son can be delightful, respectful and a high achiever academically. He has chosen instead to get involved in drugs, and people I can only describe as the ‘dregs’ of society using kids to sell drugs and commit other offences on their behalf, such as burglary.  That behaviour does not align with the values I have taught my son. Who knows when ‘rock bottom ‘ will occur, and what form it will take.

how do I look after myself? I’ve used psychologists...god knows why because I was offered no advice, just a nice couch to sit on and a box of tissues. At $180/pop they were expensive tissues! So I’ve dumped that. Im busy at work, which helps. And it’s taken months but I’ve begun doing yoga at home, playing the piano again, baking, reading, and can almost contemplate music playing in the house again. Weirdly for someone who was always musical, depression and music don’t always go hand in hand! Plenty of times I couldn’t bear the noise of it. I’ve been doing some woodwork at the school I teach at, and it’s been incredibly empowering as I’ve taken on a project and worked with kids on it. 

Looking after yourself when the family is in crisis mode is not easy. You have to have the right headspace to do yoga, or play tennis, or even go for a walk or have a massage. I now have to stop my massage therapist asking how things are at home because I just don’t want to think about it for a while, and I need help relaxing! The tut-tut from others isn’t helpful. I still cry, some days more than others. I snap at my husband and daughter when they don’t deserve it, and I think often of just walking away. None of which helps. 

So, I try to rest, spray my pillow with lavender, cuddle the dog, do yoga, find times to enjoy the company of my husband, or my daughter, and find activities I enjoy. I’m probably spending far too much on books, but hhey it gives me an excuse to relax! 

Self care takes many different forms, and it may take time to occur when there is still stress at home. Book a massage o a pedicure, or go to a cafe bookshop....it doesn’t fix the problem, but reducing stress even for a short time is crucial.  Find a friend who will just listen, not offer solutions, just listen. Even if it’s here in  a forum.

it is amazing how making the decision to draw a line in the sand can relieve you. It’s a tough thing to do, but at some point your own survival has to take priority. 

Best wishes.