When to give more freedom

[lizard0812]

Hi guys just after some more advise. You were so supportive Previously. We have had some big issues recently with 12 year old son. Finally diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. We are slowly getting through with lots of support and medication. As I'm a single mum I have to work. He is asking me for a lot more freedom than what I have previously given. He is settled and he is trustworthy. Is 12 too young to allow to go off when I am at work and meet friends at lake for swimming/fishing and shops etc. Don't want to be there o over protective as that has not helped in the past but I don't want to allow too much freedom either. Such a hard one. Any advise would be appreciated.

[Breez-RO]

Hey @lizard0812 thanks for posting this - an important discussion to start! Keen to hear some of the other parent's views on this Will tag a few now -

@taokat @Chalke5 @Schooner @Zoesplace

I am glad to hear the support and medication have been helping quite a bit. I can definitely imagine the challenge of being a single parent and wanting your son to experience the joys of life, but we don't always know how safe they are out in the big wide world. What sort of area do you live in? Is it a relatively small community, or bigger city etc?

[lizard0812]

Thanks breez it's a coastal town not a city but it's still hard to let go and know how much freedom go give them

[taokat]

Hey @lizard0812, I'm so glad a diagnosis, medication and support has helped your son. Those three things together can make such a difference can't it! Support is a crucial part of that trio, particularly as a single mum, and I'm so glad you have it.

I'm a single mum too, and it can be hard making these decisions ourselves and trusting we have made the right choice. 

What time of day is your son asking to be allowed to meet up with his friends? Is it after dark?

[lizard0812]

Thanks for reply. It is so hard. I never wanted my son to be on medication but it got to the stage that we had no choice now I wish I did it long ago. It's in the day time tomorrow I have given him lots of rules and decided I probably need to trust him. It's been such a long way to get where we are I guess I just still freak out at change and letting go a little. Tomorrow is a test he is going with friends so I guess those parents are ok with it. You are right it is so bloody hard having to make these decisions on your own and hoping you make the right one.

[taokat]

Hey @lizard0812, I'm keen to hear how things went with your son and his time with friends today! 

Parenting decisions can be so hard, but I think I would've done as you have, and let him go in the daylight hours with rules attached. You said he's trustworthy, and if we allow them safe opportunities to prove that, it can strengthen the bond between parent and child. 

Letting go can be hard because it's a big scary world out there, and no doubt he'll have spills along the way, but we have to let them make mistakes within reason too. 

How are you? It's nerve wracking letting them go out for the first time, and I'm wondering how you've pulled up. 

My daughter was put on medication at age 9, and same as you I didn't want her to be taking these prescribed substances, but when I saw the changes in her I knew it was the right decision. I totally get where you're coming from! 

The forum is a great place for support with our parenting, so I'm so glad you found us. It really makes a difference knowing there are other parents going through the same struggles we are. 

[lizard0812]

Thanks taokat. Today went well. You are right it is very hard letting go but hopefully it's a positive in his and my recovery. We have done nothing but argue and cry together for so long it has to change. Somebody else said the same to me yesterday we have to alllow them to make mistakes do they can learn from them so true I guess. He was started on medication which has made a big difference so far. He starts wth a new psychologist in a couple of weeks and he is actually happy to talk to somebody which is a huge turn around. He is a beautiful gentle caring little boy usually and I'm starting to see that side of him again which is lovely. I'm struggling unfortunately it's so hard. Two years ago I never expected to be alone with two kids. I'm getting support but it's slow. I am so glad I found this forum it's nice to have others to talk to that know that you are going through. Is your daughter still going ok ? How long has she been taking medication for? Unfortunately I'm stil at the stage of looking at him and worrying it will fall apart again I never want him or us to ever go through that again but I have to be realistic. Thanks again for your support

[taokat]

I relate to you so well @lizard0812, I've just read your other thread too. My daughter's now 15, so we've come through a lot, and have things I'd love to share. I need to do a few things now, but wanted to let you know I'll be back later tonight.

[lizard0812]

Great thank you really appreciate it. Look forward to hearing from you

[taokat]

I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you last night as I said I would @lizard0812! My night got away from me and I didn't have the time I wanted to give you.

Firstly I just want to say that the love you have for your son oozes from your words. He's a lucky boy. My compassion peaked for you reading your other thread where you said you worry because of your reaction to him sometimes. That was me, completely and utterly, about 4 years ago. Be gentle with yourself because you are doing the best you can at the moment. 

I learnt through a couple of parenting courses I did, that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. If we can get it right 30% of the time, our kids will be okay. When we behave in a way that doesn't leave us feeling good, it can give us an awesome opportunity to teach repair and forgiveness. My caseworker used to say "it's all about the repair", and my experiences show me it's true! Once we start saying sorry when we stuff up, they start doing the same, and it's invaluable when you're both hurting. 

My daughter was 8 when she started having huge problems. We'd been through tough times and I was struggling with her big time. She was diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety and PTSD at age 9 and was heavily medicated. (Oh, I did edit out the medication name to keep in line with our guidelines, but no biggie!) She's missed loads of school and was finally enrolled in distance education last year which has at least kept a basic level of education going for her. But as I'm told, her mental health is priority and there's always the future for study. She's no longer on the mountain of medications, and overall is doing well. 

I think it's fantastic that at 12 you have a trusting relationship with your son. Having open communication and putting trust in my daughter bit by bit to use her sensibilities has strengthened our bond. 

I'm so sorry to hear you are hurting. It sounds like you've been put through the wringer. Tears and hugs are good. Parenting can be hard at the best of times. When we're struggling with our own things, it becomes even harder, then we bag ourselves for not being the parent we know we want to be. It's a vicious cycle. Parents are humans too and I think it's okay for our kids to see us being human. 

I feel like I've rambled on a bit and probably left out things I wanted to say, so please feel free to ask anything. 

Oh, and how did you get on with the coaching? That will be awesome. I came out with some great strategies that we use that are really helpful