Worries with 13 year old boy

[lizard0812]

I need some urgent help. I have been getting great support with DS from this forum but I’m stuck as to what I should do next. He has app with mental health tomorrow they got an urgent referral from school. He has been leaving school and meeting up with some older mot so desirable boys and school are very concerned he is a good kid and getting in with wrong crowd. He took off this arvo from home and won’t come home. he is in a safe place, I know who he is with so they advised to leave him there I have spoken to the mum I was all ready to go and pull him out but advised against that at this point. I have been advised to approach it when we are all cooled down a little. Any advise mich appreciated. We are so confused with his emotions they are all over the place and it’s very distressing as a parent to not be able to fit it or at least help. He will open up to nobody so far.

[Breez-RO]

Hey @lizard0812, of course this is a very frustrating and no doubt painful situation I send a lot of love your way in dealing with this. Sounds like he's really got his shoulder turned on the family unit, and he's very intent on pushing boundaries and is probably quite unaware how much pain he is causing in the process. Can I ask to clarify, were you advised by the parents to let him cool off? Or someone else?

Please remember it's completely up to you whether or not you want to go and engage with him. He is thirteen, in Australia this would class him still as a child, but I do understand it can be difficult to balance ourselves in the middle of the seasaw and not tip too far to one side upsetting the situation further. What do you want to do right now? What's your gut saying?

@sunflowermom @taokat @Schooner

[lizard0812]

Thanks for reply Breez-Ro. My post is a bit confusing I was very distressed. I discussed the situation with the mother whom I know very well and she has been through similar with an older child. As I am emotionally shattered I didn’t feel I had the strength to what probably would be physically remove him. His dad my ex is away at work and also suggested if he is safe leave him there. He has spoken to him and explained this is totally unacceptable behavior and that there will be consequences which we will talk about when we are all a bit calmer tomorrow. He will pick him up.

I feel so out of my depth with this and I don’t know where to turn or what to say at times. I feel like I have every emotion going worry stress anger sadness and if my son feels half as bad as I do that makes me so very sad.

[Schooner]

Hi @lizard0812,

I know that feeling of being emotionally exhausted, even to the point of being unable to write and say things clearly. Take care of yourself.

It sounds like there is a lot going on in his head. It's a hard time for a kid. My son used to get angry sometimes, that was his way of saying "I need help". He couldn't find the right words either. We got there in the end, with medication and therapy and a lot of support from us. It can be a shockingly difficult road, but as a parent that's our job. Once again, take care of yourself.

Cooling down is a great approach. It is so easy to make the situation worse by saying the wrong thing, especially when you are exhausted. Often I tried not to respond in the moment, but I'd come back to it the next day or so, and just let him know that that was wrong, or hurtful, or whatever. I'd also punish him if I thought he was out of line, but not severely. 

I guess we should also be aware that maybe something we as parents are doing might be making the situation worse. We did a little bit of family therapy. Looking back I wished we'd done more of that. 

Good luck with the appointment

Cheers

[lizard0812]

Thanks schooner it is very tough. He is like a different child. No emotion no remorse at all at the moment. He was always very genuinely remorseful and saddened when he did wrong or upset us. We could throw him against a wall (just a figure of speech) at the moment and I don’t think he would feel it or react that’s how bad things are getting. Very worrying. I feel like I have lost him.

He attended app with no problem ordinarily it would be a struggle to get him there (nit sure he spoke) but we got him there. I’m waiting to here where too next cause he has not said a word literally.

Thanks for the support

[lizard0812]

If I had of known it would be this hard I would not have attempted it. We are at an absolute total loss. Never ever experienced such defiance, rudeness or attitude frim such a beautiful boy. We have had a Massive few days I’m really worried Anout my boy and see nothing else that is possible for us to do to help him

[Taylor-RO]

Heya @lizard0812, sorry to hear that things are so hard right now. Can you tell us a bit more about what is going on for you and your family right now? What support do you have through this situation right now?

[Schooner]

Hey @lizard0812,

It is so hard. 

I hope you are getting the help you need. I think as parents we never get a lot of help, but I hope you are getting something.

I don't know what your boy needs, but I hope you can find the strength and help to work out what that is. I guess the medical team has looked at various possibilities. It was a shock for us to have my son checked for drugs, but it's good to rule that out. As parents sometimes we have to push the system a bit for our kids. 

I do believe that kids at 13 can go through defiant, angry stages and come through them. In our case that anger was how my son told us he was in trouble, because he couldn't find the words to say it clearly. He is nearly 16 now. On Wednesday he gave me a hug and told me he loved me. Chances are your beautiful boy is still down there, underneath all that anger and aggression.

Cheers

[lizard0812]

Thanks schooner we are at a loss to know what he needs. I know this anger and extreme defiance and extreme lack of care is a cry for help for something. We are at breaking point with no idea where to turn next.

We have school support but even they said yesterday we are crisis point with him. There words “he is a good kid but tangled up with a bad crowd”. I am actually scared for him these kids are very streetwise he is not he has always been such a caring gentle kid and a good academic but that’s all gone.

Unfortunately mental health team were useless unless he was threatening to commit suicide at the time they didn’t want to know about it. Have a good gp that we have app with next week but unless he starts to open up and accept help I fear nothing will change.

[lizard0812]

Taylor-RO where do I start. I am at total breaking point. I have tried everything in my power and nothing is working. We have a very angry defiant beyond belief and uncaring boy in every way. It’s like he is trying to self destruct in a major way. He has decided truancy is a good idea now on top of all these other behaviors. I am not even getting empty promises anymore it’s like he doesn’t care at all about life even. In his mind the only people that are there for him are this bad group of kids he is involved with.

I do have support of his dad but he is the same as me and feels like we have all but lost him.

Here it is 4am and I have had minimal sleep and about to face another day. To be honest I feel like going to sleep and not waking up. I know that doesn’t help the situation but that’s how I’m feeling and where I’m at.