daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

[sunflowermom]

Hello @Breez-RO and @taokat  seems like the allowing her to close the door is going well.  Even if her door is closed she is actually calling me into her room to talk about her wanting to self harm.  She is still struggling with so much inner turmoil.  Her anxiety is currently working double time.  I have noticed if I don't "bug" her every 15 minutes asking are you okay?  Then she comes to me much more.  Its a hard process to trust but it seems to be working.  Today she just needs prayers and patience as we work through hoping her new medications help her.

Today I feel anxious and on edge for her.  I know she wants to return to a normal life  so bad.....its just not coming together for her emotionally yet.  I am hopeful but a bit frantic inside.

[Danielle-RO]

Hey @sunflowermom, I'm really glad you used the word 'yet' when telling us that it's not coming together for your daughter because allowing time to recover really is the key.

I'm also really happy to hear that allowing the door to be closed has created a space where your daughter feels she can and will come to you when she needs to discuss things. That totally seems like a parenting win to me, even if you're finding the process hard.

[sunflowermom]

My daughter  made a suicide attempt yesterday.  I was only gone from the house for a short time..taking my other daughter to the Dr.  I got a call from a Crisis hotline telling me what my daughter had done.  It was the most agonizing drive to get home.  I took her to hospital and luckily what she did was not too harmful to her body.  I talked them out of having her Hospitalized for a 3rd time.  She still has PTSD from last times.  Now I must keep her safe at home watching her every second.  Many therapy visits to come this week.  Not sure what I am going to do about my job- think I will ask to perform my duties from 1am to 8am ( before she wakes) just not sure where I will find the time to sleep.  I tried to ask for outside help from family but it just makes my daughter more uncomfortable- so the care giving is kind of up to me.

I'm sad that we took a few steps backward on the trust and healing...I was hopeful, now I'm a little lost again.  But for now I will just keep pushing forward in this fog and try to stay strong.  

[Nick-RO]

Oh @sunflowermom I am so sorry to hear your latest news.  I can only imagine what you are going through right now and how devastating this must be for you and your daughters.

That drive home and then to the hospital must have been so scary and heartbreaking - you did so well to get through this and be in a position to support your daughter.

I have to admit that I was a little concerned to read that you feel like the care giving is totally up to you without any help. Is shifting your work hours to the middle of the night so that you can be available to your daughter during the day sustainable in the long-term?  What kind of toll will this take on you physically, mentally and emotionally and how will this impact the lives of everyone in your household and the care that you are able to provide?

I completely get that your daughter is uncomfortable with the other forms of support you have considered (hospital or family) and you don't want to put her through that, but it might be the case that you need to consider these options further in terms of making things work?

The therapy that you mention this week - will there be any opportunities for you to also talk to a counsellor to discuss what practical options you have for moving forward that might be more accepted by your daughter but at the same time give you space to look after yourself as well?

[taokat]

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter @sunflowermom, but am so relieved she is okay. It's such a frightening thing to happen, especially when you're not right there. My heart goes out to you. 

Is there any way you can take some time off work? It's so tough being the sole carer, and my daughter's the same - refused to go to family so respite has been non existent, and it does take its toll if you don't take good care of yourself. Sleep is a really important part of that care, so I hope you can work something sustainable out. 

You're doing a wonderful job in really stressful situation. Some days it is just one foot in front of the other. There will be ups and downs, and often new medications can take time to have the intended effect. Hang in there, and reach whenever you need the support. 

[sunflowermom]

Thank You @taokat and @Nick-RO

your support is really helping me through.  My work decided that I can only work from 4:00 am until 7:00 am- a safety concern to come in on a night shift with no one else there in a big factory.  But I am ok with that- just concerned about the huge loss of income right now.

The Dr has now diagnosed her with PTSD- I know its just a label but it helps me to understand why she has so many things.....impulse control, depression, anxiety and panic attacks.  It also gives me something to research so I can better understand and help her deal with what she is going through.

I'm hopeful as we keep pushing through.......

[Sister]

Hi Sunflowermum,

I am really thinking deeply of your situation and care for your plight. The fact that you are a solo parent trying to earn a living and care for your daughter is worthy of a HUGE big hug!! 

I'm sure this difficult time will pass for you. My son always refused to stay with relatives but now that I don't have any immediate concerns around suicidality or self-harm.....he HAS to go. His behaviours (namely verbal aggression and anger issues) have been too much for me to manage single-handedly.

Each of our situations is different and we needn't compare....I just needed you to know Sunflower that everything changes and you will get through this difficult time!

If I were your next door neighbour, I would be there to help. But as i am not, I send you loving and caring thoughts.

Let us know how you go with your daughter. She must be truly special and is so fortunant to have such a caring mum as yourself.

[sunflowermom]

Hi @Sister

Thank you for you encouraging reply!  I must say though that I am not a single mom- I am married and he is just emotionally not available to deal with our situation nor can he fully take care of us financially.  I must make it seem like I am in this alone because I feel that way in our family- like its all up to me decisions, support, taking her to therapy.  He does do things like make dinner when needed and help with our other daughter.  But I still get angry that I feel I carry most of the burden.  He knows but my daughter just feels more comfortable leaning on me for support.  He only jokes with her and does the "light" stuff.

I read and re-read your reply where you said this difficult time will pass because I really need to believe it will.  If others say it has happened for them, then it must be true.  But I just feel like time has stood still since last Thanksgiving.  I have trouble now knowing what day of the week it is since everything seems like a blur.

I cant wait for my daughter to go see relatives for a little while, a break for all of us.  Hopefully by the summer, I know she would like that too.

Thank you for your love and kind thoughts!

[Sister]

Sunflower.......its tough when you have a partner who doesn't share the emotional/physical/fianancial and other needs of your family. As well as dealing with your daughters issues, you have all these other issues around lack of support to contend with! 

Have you and your partner been down the couples counselling road? I guess its been difficult to find the time with all that has been happening with your daughter (?)

Maybe get some counselling for yourself if you haven't already? The anger you have been experiencing can become resentment and this is not healthy for your own mental health. Addressing your own needs is paramount for helping your daughter.

Self-care, Sunflower..........

[taokat]

Hey @sunflowermom, I just wanted to check in and see how you are managing. 

While it's great that your daughter is able to have fun with your husband, I get that it must be so exhausting and frustrating being the sole carer for your daughter in the difficult times. It's ongoing and 24/7, literally at at times, I know. Your summer must be coming soon, as ours is ending, so I hope you get some respite then - and that your daughter will enjoy some time with family 

As hard as things are, these times will pass. It may take time, but with your ongoing love and support, your daughter will learn to manage her emotions and times will ease. I always try to really embrace the positives, and when it's all feeling too overwhelming it can be really empowering to make a poster or similar with these positives written down. Mine is in coloured crayon and lives on the sliding doors of my wardrobe. It can help keep the negative thoughts at bay - for some reason they breed way faster than the positive ones for me!

Have you been able to make any time specially for you?