finding it difficult to ACCEPT my sons mental health condition

[Sister]

Thanks Taokat.

I hope you haven't been having too many issues with your daughter...or if you have been/are hopefully you've both been receiving support.

I am currently finding it difficult to ACCEPT my sons mental health condition (depression, ADD, anxiety). Didn't sleep so well last night contemplating on it all. Aside from trying to deal single-handingly with his symptoms of anger, sadness, isolating in his room all weekend, food fussiness, disrespect and swearing towards me, school struggles, etc. etc. I feel an enormous amount of sadness that for most of his life he has struggled in all areas and might continue to do so. I guess it is just getting the right support in place and asking for help....which I have not been much good at doing. I have always been the helper and so grapple with the role reversal but am learning to reach out more. It must be really difficult for solo parents who are not pro-active or are demographically isolated. However I guess the internet can be beneficial in these situations.....as it is for us.

I am starting the coaching shortly. Hopefully this will assist me into coming to terms with my sons ongoing condition and also in my reactions to when he gets angry and starts yelling and throwing things. (don't be concerned......I am safe and have a safety plan in place).

I love my son so much and just feel an ENORMOUS amount of grief....I think. I shall be ok (all feelings pass) but this has been and still is a very tough journey. Lots of lessons to be learnt in this one!

Take Care Everyone and maybe there are others of you out there who have been going through a similar experience?

[Nick-RO]

Hi @Sister and welcome to the forums!

Just quickly, I hope you don't mind but I have moved this post to help other parents who might be experiencing similar circumstances to you find it and offer their amazing support!

I have also sent you an email about this.

The amazing levels of love, compassion and support you have for your son really shine through in your posts all throughout forums - not just this thread, but all of the others where you have  been offering support and kind words to other members.  That compassion is beautiful, and such a wonderful foundation for navigating the situations that arise in your family,

It is totally understandable with everything that has been on your plate recently that you should feel more comfortable in the role of carer and have found seeking support for yourself has fallen down your 'to do list'!  it is so amazing that you have started the process of Parents Coaching.  I know that it has been a hugely positive factor for many of our members here and I am sure that they would love to kept up-to-date with your experiences with this.

I thought I would also tag a couple of members into this conversation who have similar experiences.

@taokat (who you know already), @waldo_pepper, @Zoesplace

[Mum25]

Hi empathise with you on so many levels take care and lets all love our sons and daughters unconditionally we are their people they need us even though it's tearing us apart 💞

[Sister]

Hi Mum25,

You are so switched on to mention that word, "unconditional". Its a real challenge to love our teens when they are being abusive and taking all their frustrations out on us.

But once each storm passes, and we feel less despair, we can just remind ourselves that they are really suffering to be this way and its their BEHAVIOUR that is the problem....not their true selves.

Unconditional love it sure is. Thank you for reminding me.

[Worrisome]

Patenting is difficult! It's been the hardest thing I've ever done.  I find myself wishing the years away to get it over and done with.  

My 13 yr old daughter, attempted to kill herself 3 months ago, is now on medication and sees a psychologist weekly.  I had all my hopes that this year would be better, but it is not. School is worse - she has gone to school only 2 days out of 4.  Luckily the school is being very obliging and are looking at changing her schedule.  But I believe this is part of the new problem I am experiencing.  My daughters has learnt to demand what she wants as I have been walking on egg shells out of fear of hurting herself again.  Tonight whilst her Dad was at work she wanted me to buy her beer. When I refused we threw things at me, found the hidden medication threatening to take it all and even locked me outside when I popped outside to get away from her.  I told her to take the pills, thinking this time I would just leave her at the hospital and not staying with her.  Luckily she was bluffing as I thought she was.  But this drama went on for 90 minutes.  With no apology at the end of it just the request that we pretend it did not happen.  My fuse is getting very short as I have no control and she is bullying me.  I strongly believe that being compassionate and supportive has created a monster

[Sister]

Hi Worrisome and Others,

I really "hear your voice" and pain from the struggles you have been experiencing with your daughter. Its so good that you are reaching out for support. This, I believe is the key to parents such as us who have these types of issues with our teens.

Its great that you have a husband (is he supportive and does he back you up?)...also a big plus to have the school on board as well as weekly psychologist visits. Is your daughter willing to attend these sessions or is it a battle to get her there? My son has just told me he doesn't wish to attend the psychiatrists appointment this week so if your daughter is compliant then that is a big plus. 

Do you feel confident with the psychologists style of counselling and therapy with your daughter? Is your daughter comfortable with that particular psychologist? Unfortunately mental health issues aren't just a matter of "putting the plaster on and off she goes"....as we know it takes a lot of time and peeling away of the onions layers to see some positive changes.

Hang in there Worrisome........I really believe that your daughter will one day be ok and able to function well in the community. You shall look back at this time as just a memory which has helped your family to grow and develop into more understanding and compassionate people.

Keep up with the psychologist....try and get some time out for yourself and for you and your partner too. We tend to get so absorbed in the day to day functioning of just trying to get through each moment, hour and day....our children and their behaviours can deplete and exhaust all our energies if we allow them to.

You WILL get through this difficult time. I shall stay positive for you, myself and all the other parents and teens out there who are really struggling. Everything passes. This gives me hope and it can for you too.

[Nick-RO]

Hi @Worrisome

I am so sorry to hear about how traumatic last night was for you.  I can only imagine how terrified and hurt you must have been while all of this was going on – what happened is more than anyone should have to bear and my heart truly goes out to you.

I really want to commend you for getting through last night.  Given what happened I was wondering if you have an action plan for situations like this?  Is there a support service that either you or your daughter use when you are in the middle of episodes like this?  Ngala have a 24 hour phone number that you can call if these episodes continue – their number is 9368 9368 regional or 1800 111 546.

They also have online service as well and you can find out more about them here.

I really get what you are saying about how we as parents balance being compassionate and supportive but at the same time ensure that there are boundaries put in place in your household.  It is a tricky balancing act at the best of times and one that is made all the more complicated with everything that is going on in your household right now.

I was wondering if you know about the ReachOut Parents Coaching service.  You can find out all about it by clicking on this link which has a video which talks about what it can offer.

The service is a free, personalised one-on-one coaching service with a trained professional from the Benevolent Society with years of experience helping parents and teenagers with concrete tools and solutions around setting boundaries and effective communication  It sounds like some of the practical advice they can offer might be really useful moving forward for your family?

[taokat]

Hi @Sister, 

I just wanted to check in on you and see how you are. I've noticed you've been quiet and so hoping everything is okay with you and your son. You've been such an amazing support for others on the forum, but don't forget we are here for you too if you need it. 

[Schooner]

Yes, @Sister, I agree with @taokat

Hope you are OK. It just seems so unfair sometimes. And it is. Keep going anyway

Cheers