At a loss with our difficult 9 year old

[Marshmallow]

Our 9 year old daughter has always been challenging right from the get go. We keep thinking she will grow out of it but she gets worse and harder to deal with. Every little thing every day is such a battle from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed. We have to fight and nag and remind her constantly but she just does whatever she wants and doesn't care about repercussions. She has emotional melt downs that are so disproportionate to the situation on an almost daily basis. We went to a psychologist who said she needed to do an assessment first which cost us $1950 and then she said our daughter was normal but might benefit from a few counseling sessions! I was totally baffled because we struggle everyday with her. Our other daughter who is 12 is completely different and while she definitely has her moments she has never been like our 9 year old. We have tried rewards and praise and nothing works. We are so exhausted. She is also constantly fighting with her sister and deliberately annoying her. Her sister will fight back and then she gets in trouble as well but she can't help retaliating when she is relentlessly annoyed.
I feel like a horrible parent and she has me in tears and filled with so much guilt because I worry it is something we have done.
Has anyone else experienced this sort of difficulty with their child??? I don't know what to do. The thing is she actually has a very sweet side and we love her so much. Anyone else who knows her like teachers or her friends parents think she is an angel.

[Portia_RO]

Hi @Marshmallow, I'm very sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time with your daughter. It sounds exhausting constantly trying to help and support her, particularly when she's challenging you at every turn. You are not a terrible parent for struggling and feeling overwhelmed by this, I can see that you have a lot of love for your daughter and are simply doing the best that you can under some difficult circumstances. What are you doing to look after yourself at the moment?

I'm also sorry to hear that the psychologist wasn't able to provide much advice. It's really disappointing after you spent so much money on an assessment not to find any closure or practical guidance. How are you feeling about their recommendation for your daughter to try some counselling sessions? 

Sending all of my best to you during this difficult time. You are not alone 

[Marshmallow]

Thank you for your reply, it is lovely to have someone listen. It is actually difficult to explain to people because I don't want to sound like we are belittling her or like we don't love her.

I do things for myself sometimes too. I like to do walking or yoga to have some time alone. At the moment usually around once a week.

We haven't thought much more about the psychology sessions yet to be honest. In a way I am worried that it is just us being dramatic about her behaviour, given that the report came back with nothing significant it could be something we are doing. I also don't want my daughter to think there is something wrong with her and I really don't know what they would treat in the sessions or how they would approach it and talk to her. I will have to ask them a bit more about what they are planning.
Yes it was a bit disappointing because it is a lot of money for us. I did want to do it because I thought it might point us in the right direction. They really only spent 3 hours with her in total over one morning though doing learning assessments and my daughter is really lovely and cooperative when she wants to be. How can they determine behavioural issues when she is on her best behaviour lol... We didn't think she had a learning disability though, I explained that it was the behaviour that has been really hard but they also explained that they needed to do an assessment to rule out anything first. So we agreed that would be best. Now we have to commit to spending more money on the sessions, but what if nothing actually helps? Im just really not sure what to do.
I just wish really we knew how to reason with my daughter or work out how to get her to cooperate and just have a more peaceful life without the constant conflict.

Thanks again for your kind wishes

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @Marshmallow 

Thanks for getting back to us, I'm really glad to hear that you have some activities you enjoy to take time out for yourself.

It would be very confusing to know what to do next given the outcome of the assessment, but I want to assure you that seeing a psychologist is incredibly normal and people see them for a variety of reasons. I hope you don't feel like you don't deserve the support, because truly everyone does 

I also understand you are feeling really at a loss and wondering what you will do if the things you try do not seem to work, are there other options you are thinking about for support at the moment?

[OutOfOptions]

I have!!!!! My daughter just turned 12 a couple days ago. She is an emotional wreck. The emotions she shows are always against the situation. She still throws tamper tantrums, and it just seems that she is emotionally immature for her age. You have to walk on eggshells all the time. When it's time to do her homework or chores, she will just get in trouble on purpose so that she can go cry herself to sleep. It's very hard. I started to blame middle child syndrome, but this goes way beyond that. Other people in the family notice it as well, so I know I'm not over reacting. Her dad used to work with special needs patients and would take care of them in their homes. She is not that badly affected, but he did recognize certain behaviors. I might add she is very behind in school (test score wise on her Istep, or Iread, etc., each state have different tests). I planned on taking her to counseling, but then she acts traumatized over us using at her and makes me nervous like she's going to go into a session over exaggerating. What if she tried to make us seem abusive or something??

[OutOfOptions]

I don't like how places or people meet the child once or 2x for only about 2 hours each session, but yet they have the answers.
They can see when it's our fault etc. NO!!! No you cannot.

[Courtney-RO]

Hi @OutOfOptions thank you for sharing with us! It sounds like there is a lot going on right now, so I just wanted to remind you that you're not alone and we are all here for you.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having to walk on eggshells around your daughter, I can only imagine how awful that must be not only for yourself but your family too. You mentioned that when it comes time to do chores or homework, that she will get in trouble on purpose and cry herself to sleep. I was just wondering if you have had a chance to talk to her about this and asked her why she might feel this way?

You also mentioned that you had planned on taking her to see a counsellor but it makes you nervous as you feel she might exaggerate. Would you feel comfortable sharing what you meant by this? Has something like this happened before, or why you feel that she might say things like that to a counsellor? I can hear just how much you care and worry about her. If you haven't already, it might also be worth speaking to your local health professional for some additional support and resources to help you get through such a stressful situation.

We are all here for you and hope you will keep us updated.

[Names]

This is literally me with my daughters!

(See my post for the details)

My daughter is 8 and exactly what you described. I’m at a loss at what to do aswell.

Her sister on the other hand who is 11 is a dream in comparison.

Miss 8 antagonises the living daylights out of my eldest it’s so infuriating to witness.

I hope you find some solice in the fact you are not alone but also if you find any tips that help please share them.

May the force be with you

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Names, thank you for posting. We are glad that you have found some comfort in reading a post from another parent going through a similar thing. Hopefully you find some helpful tips on our forum!

Just so you know, I have posted a response on your thread. Here is the link for anyone else wondering