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At a loss with our difficult 9 year old

At a loss with our difficult 9 year old

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Casual scribe
Marshmallow

At a loss with our difficult 9 year old

Our 9 year old daughter has always been challenging right from the get go. We keep thinking she will grow out of it but she gets worse and harder to deal with. Every little thing every day is such a battle from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed. We have to fight and nag and remind her constantly but she just does whatever she wants and doesn't care about repercussions. She has emotional melt downs that are so disproportionate to the situation on an almost daily basis. We went to a psychologist who said she needed to do an assessment first which cost us $1950 and then she said our daughter was normal but might benefit from a few counseling sessions! I was totally baffled because we struggle everyday with her. Our other daughter who is 12 is completely different and while she definitely has her moments she has never been like our 9 year old. We have tried rewards and praise and nothing works. We are so exhausted. She is also constantly fighting with her sister and deliberately annoying her. Her sister will fight back and then she gets in trouble as well but she can't help retaliating when she is relentlessly annoyed.
I feel like a horrible parent and she has me in tears and filled with so much guilt because I worry it is something we have done.
Has anyone else experienced this sort of difficulty with their child??? I don't know what to do. The thing is she actually has a very sweet side and we love her so much. Anyone else who knows her like teachers or her friends parents think she is an angel.
Community Manager
Portia_RO

Re: At a loss with our difficult 9 year old

Hi @Marshmallow, I'm very sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time with your daughter. It sounds exhausting constantly trying to help and support her, particularly when she's challenging you at every turn. You are not a terrible parent for struggling and feeling overwhelmed by this, I can see that you have a lot of love for your daughter and are simply doing the best that you can under some difficult circumstances. What are you doing to look after yourself at the moment?

 

I'm also sorry to hear that the psychologist wasn't able to provide much advice. It's really disappointing after you spent so much money on an assessment not to find any closure or practical guidance. How are you feeling about their recommendation for your daughter to try some counselling sessions? 

 

Sending all of my best to you during this difficult time. You are not alone Heart

Casual scribe
Marshmallow

Re: At a loss with our difficult 9 year old

Thank you for your reply, it is lovely to have someone listen. It is actually difficult to explain to people because I don't want to sound like we are belittling her or like we don't love her.

I do things for myself sometimes too. I like to do walking or yoga to have some time alone. At the moment usually around once a week.

We haven't thought much more about the psychology sessions yet to be honest. In a way I am worried that it is just us being dramatic about her behaviour, given that the report came back with nothing significant it could be something we are doing. I also don't want my daughter to think there is something wrong with her and I really don't know what they would treat in the sessions or how they would approach it and talk to her. I will have to ask them a bit more about what they are planning.
Yes it was a bit disappointing because it is a lot of money for us. I did want to do it because I thought it might point us in the right direction. They really only spent 3 hours with her in total over one morning though doing learning assessments and my daughter is really lovely and cooperative when she wants to be. How can they determine behavioural issues when she is on her best behaviour lol... We didn't think she had a learning disability though, I explained that it was the behaviour that has been really hard but they also explained that they needed to do an assessment to rule out anything first. So we agreed that would be best. Now we have to commit to spending more money on the sessions, but what if nothing actually helps? Im just really not sure what to do.
I just wish really we knew how to reason with my daughter or work out how to get her to cooperate and just have a more peaceful life without the constant conflict.

Thanks again for your kind wishes
Community Manager
Hannah-RO

Re: At a loss with our difficult 9 year old

Hey @Marshmallow 

Thanks for getting back to us, I'm really glad to hear that you have some activities you enjoy to take time out for yourself.

It would be very confusing to know what to do next given the outcome of the assessment, but I want to assure you that seeing a psychologist is incredibly normal and people see them for a variety of reasons. I hope you don't feel like you don't deserve the support, because truly everyone does Heart

I also understand you are feeling really at a loss and wondering what you will do if the things you try do not seem to work, are there other options you are thinking about for support at the moment?

 

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