Daughter struggling with school

[Carolined]

Thank you for such a warm welcome - my daughter has always struggled academically, she's a lovely kid but school doesn't come easy for her. She is popular and funny, people like her, school is a social event. We've scaled back her courseload to just four subjects plus a TVET (Tafe) course, problem is the TVET course isn't relevant at the moment to her interests (Im not actually sure what her interests are but it isn't hospitality ha), but it was subsided by her school.

She says she is ' dumb and stupid' , she isn't going for an ATAR now and 'all' the other kids are (I suspect there's a lot of angst building with ATAR/HSC anxiety/talk amongst her peers), and I think she's disapointed in herself. Even though I have ALWAYS empahsised that I support her no matter what. Her brother is a 98 Atar kid studying Actuarial/Maths at uni, but they have both always been polar opposites and I have always supported them both equally. 

End of last year we were thinking about a Child Care Traineeship (with a contact) but it fell through, I think she'd be great in Early Childhood teaching. I have great support at the school so I'll definitely use that resource if it continues. I completely understand where she is coming from but we just yell at each other these days - when I'm upset I just can't believe that she is yelling at me about things we talked about and decisions we (I thought) made together, I really don't want her to leave school without her HSC. She has 8 months to go and she will have achieved that ...  Thanks for such a warm welcome - I think I'll like it here!

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @Carolined and welcome!

Just letting you know I moved your post to a new thread to give it the attention it deserves

School can definitely be a tough time for a lot of kids, but I can see from your posts that you really care about your daughter and her education, and that's great to see I was wondering, does your daughter see anyone to help her cope with her negative feelings around school? 

I've also tagged in some of our wonderful members so they can share any of their great advice. 

@sunflowermom @JAKGR8 @Faob_1 @Orbit64 @compassion @Moloko @taokat 

[JAKGR8]

Oh dear Carolined, school is so, so tough now a days. Much harder than we realise. And there are so many pressures on our kids that we never had. I hear your angst. 

It will be harder for your daughter if her friends or people she admires are also achieving high marks or planning to go to Uni. Our son is studying astrophysics at uni and his sisters think they are dumb compared to him. They couldn’t be more wrong. We talk about it a lot and emphasise the different skills and abilities they do have. We have always encouraged our kids find work they enjoy, if they’re going to spend a lot of time doing it, or get a job that pays enough for them to enjoy their spare time. We have consulted the My Futures http://myfuture.edu.au website to get an idea of what is possible and what is in demand and we have researched jobs that will be needed in the future. As a result, our second daughter wants to join the police. She is a Venturer Scout and has researched this policework herself. Otherwise we have encouraged her to do a Gap Year in the navy (pays well and all ADFs do it, just navy offers broader experience). We have always said they don’t have to go to Uni to be successful. 

The statistcs show our kids will change jobs 10 times, possibly before they are 30. Talk about adaptable!! And that is all our kids really have to be: adaptable, resilient, thoughtful and show initiative. If they are always willing to learn they can do anything. It’s not always a good idea to tell them to follow their passion as it can be unrealistic and disappointing, however, they can try to follow a purpose. 

Also, we have found that even though we don’t pressure our kids in this area, they will notice if we have high/unrealistic expectations of ourselves. So we don’t have to say a word for our kids to feel pressure. It’s that **bleep** role modelling thing I’ve cursed since the day they were born😬😁 which basically means ... give yourself a break. 

Good luck. 

[Carolined]

Thank you ! this part of your message really hit home for ...  Also, we have found that even though we don’t pressure our kids in this area, they will notice if we have high/unrealistic expectations of ourselves. So we don’t have to say a word for our kids to feel pressure. It’s that **bleep** role modelling thing I’ve cursed since the day they were born😬😁 which basically means ... give yourself a break. ... 

After my marriage ended over 10 years ago now, my daughter has seen me as being the 'strongest person she knows' ...  I've probably worked too hard on the role modelling, being so worried that I was going to fail her - parenting alone has meant I am everything to both kids wrapped up in one person. She is learning that I am not and is going to test the idea. She had her school retreat the last 3 days, she has just messaged to say she's home. She also rang me on the first night and messaged me last night - the umbilical cord may stretch but it doesn't seem ready to break just yet. I think she'll be fine, but yes I fully appreciate your words about how kids feel the pressure even if it isn't articulated - Ill work on that - thanks again.