Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

[taokat]

Hi @Lost71, welcome to ReachOut forums. It's great you've found us and I'm sure the community will be able to give you support while you're navigating this difficult time with your daughter and her boyfriend. There are some great tips in this thread that I hope you've been able to have a read through. 

My daughter is 15 too and it can be such a tough age, for them and us! They're going through huge changes, hormonally and with their brain functioning. Putting boundaries in place that they don't like often meets with strong defiance, but they need to learn that destroying property is not okay. I used to walk on eggshells around my daughter, but she has learned over the years that the extreme behaviour does end with police intervention for everyone's safety, and given coping tools to use she can settle herself before it gets to that stage which is such a relief. 

Have you sat down with your daughter to explain your reasoning behind not allowing them to see each other and what a healthy relationship looks like? There's a great resource here about family conflict and another here about communicating with our teens that you might find helpful.  @Zoesplace has some really fantastic tips, but the hardship can sometimes be that we need to let them experience these hurts for themselves in order for them to learn. During these times all we can do is be there to support them when they're upset while gently putting in their heads that they deserve someone who treats them well. 

I really feel for you - that feeling that we've lost our sweet little girls is really upsetting. Is there anything you do just for yourself? 

ReachOut also offers free parent coaching that could help you come up with effective solutions for dealing with this issue you're having. I've done it myself and highly recoomend it! To find out more you can check out the link here.

You're clearly a loving parent and wanting the best for your daughter. I hope these suggestions can offer you something to work with. 

[Zoesplace]

Hi @Lost71 sounds like the relationship between your daughter and her boyfriend is not very healthy for either of them.  It is extremely hard seeing your child in a relationship that is not good, especially if they are both smashing up your houses - which is never acceptable!  A good resource that another Reach Out Parent recommended to me was the work of Dr Jill Murray regarding relationships. She has some great books about teenage relationships that you may find helpful.  There is a book called "But he never hit me"  If your daughters boyfriend yells at her now, I can understand your concern that his temper may lead to other forms of abuse.

It is obvious you really care and love your daughter - As hard as it is, it is really important to let your daughter know that even though you may not always agree with her choices, that you will love her regardless... that way when things are not good with her relationship with her boyfriend that she knows you will be there for her.  

[3ansonclose]

Hi im in a similar situation my daughters been seeing this guy we have been trying to meet up with him properly every time we arrange something it all goes wrong he has mental health issues he was treated awful by his family when he was little so has a knock on effect to how he feels towards us he dosent like himself very much so he is very negative my daughter is helping him get the help he needs he is seeing a therapist cbt and taking medication its early days still but im finding it very hard to deal with as a parent and seing my daughter having to deal with this im giving her support even though i dont think she should not be with him but i have to try to help him and her and hope he can then build a proper relationship with us we have had quite a few set backs and i feel angry but i need to try to help the more i tell her to leave him the more shes with him she has to see for herself thats things are not right but at the same time you dont want to lose your daughter i would encourage him to seek proffesinal help as there could be an underlying problem as to why he behaves the way he does let me know how you get on i will let you know aswell its hard as a parent

[Claire-RO]

Hey @3ansonclose 

It sounds like this is a tricky situation. I  can hear that you are really wanting to support your daughter but you are also worried about the toll the relationship is taking on her. It sounds like you are trying to see the best in the relationship and that you understand that your daughters boyfriend has been going through a hard time. It sounds like you are creating a space where your daughter can be open with  you which she will really appreciate it. 

[Jaytag]

I don't know what to do either. I'm in the same situation. My daughters boyfriend isn't just emotionally abusive but he's physically abusive as well. She called me this morning, crying, because he left her. I spoke with her for an hour and he showed up at her apartment. He lives down the hall from her so he wasn't far. He started screaming at me for supporting her and he said I look at her as though she can do no wrong. Of course I know she makes mistakes and isn't perfect but to me, she's my baby and I will always support her and her decisions. I have actually told her to leave him though. She knows how I feel about him but I have given him chance after chance after his bs apologies and tears. He's called me a few times, crying about how bad his life was growing up etc. And I felt bad for him but not bad enough to accept that he's the one for my baby girl. She's takes all the blame and he tears her to shreds. She's a shell of a person she once was. She was serving the Lord and was so happy. Now that he's in her life, she gets abused and ridiculed and she apologizes for HIS actions!!! This morning he told me to go eff myself and I hung up on him. She may tolerate that treatment from him but I certainly won't. I don't know what to do. How can I make her see that she needs to leave him? Help!!

[Andrea-RO]

Hey @Jaytag, that is really concerning and I can really imagine that you must be very worried for your daughter right now. One of the best things you can do for your daughter right now is to remain being supportive and caring in the same ways you described. It might also be a good idea to have a chat with her about whether there was any more tangible reasons why she goes back to him (e.g. finances etc.), and whether that was something you could help with. I also just wanted to quickly ask how old your daughter was?