Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

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Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

That's huge @Zoesplace!! How fantastic! Yep, your words have clearly filtered in there. We never know what gets through until we see changed reactions or thoughts. From my own experiences, a relationship that is having problems that early on is not going to get any better. I do understand that he has mental health problems, but while he doesn't want to get help to manage himself better, your daughter sounds better off without him.

 

Good on her for finding the courage to stand up for herself and lay some healthy boundaries with him. 

Prolific scribe

Re: Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

Good on her ! She has obviously taken in some of your discussions and processed the content to formulate her own ideas and beliefs Fabulous ! And having the strength to set her boundaries with him wow ! She's a gun ! 

Reading more about the psychology of healthy relationships will only fortify her and give her the armour to stand her ground and demand dignity and respect . 

Great news ! Well done to you and your husband I am so pleased to hear this . Onwards and upwards ! 

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

Thanks @taokat and @motherbear for your words of encouragement Smiley Happy

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

Hi @Zoesplace . I'm coming in to this post a bit late but just wanted to say that I think you are doing all the right things already. Planting little seeds of what a good relationship is like and not banning hers because that will just make him more attractive. I'll keep that book in my memory bank should I ever need it Smiley Happy 

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

late here too @Zoesplace but sounds like you have made some progress in a delicate situation!

Super contributor

Re: Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

Hey @Zoesplace 

I'm coming in late to the convo too but I'd love to share my experiences, if that's ok.

As someone that went through this, my first suggestion is; try and breathe through the excitement that she's making changes and steady yourself with the knowledge that people aren't linear and sometimes they make amazing leaps of awareness and draw lines in the sand only to return several days later and rub the line out. Or those lines can get rubbed out by pretty words and tears and promises to change. But, if that happens, it's ok because having drawn the line once means she can draw it again.

This may be the end, it may be the beginning of something wonderful or it may be a moment of learning your daughter will lean on later when she needs it again. No matter which one, remind yourself that you and your husband love your daughter very much and will support her through all the things.

 

I agree that reading about this stuff can be super helpful, for you guys too. Don't be worried if your daughter isn't too keen on it at first, there are lots of reasons why a young person might not be into it. Books, especially non-fiction, can be a grind for some people, or it can be too confronting to acknowledge the nature of your relationship or it might just feel unnecessary. But if you guys read stuff it will equip you with tools on how to approach things, how to support her and how to model behaviour that will help your daughter improve her boundary setting skills.

What sort of stuff is she into? If she reads novels do you know what sort of things she likes? I'm going to do a hunt and see what I can find in the way of YA books or apps etc. that tackle similar types of relationships. I'll share anything I find. 

 

I feel so strongly about how young people, of this generation and ours and our parents were raised on this diet of 'romantic love' that we later found out fits the model of co-dependence perfectly. Love is supposed to be overwhelming, it's supposed to make you feel alive and like dying, all at the same time. It takes your breath away, makes you fly, sends you to heaven, drowns you, lifts you, spins you round like a record and makes you drunk. All on the first date.

Then we try and teach our kids that mutual respect, space to grow, time apart and individual interests are what's healthy and wonder why they're confused.

Maybe try talking to her about this stuff the next time you see it, in a pop song or movie. 17 years old is a tough age. Maybe this is a good time to 'pull the veil off' the romance idea a bit and explore what relationships really look like with her. Because even if she's completely finished with this guy (fingers crossed) I guarantee you there will be others to fill his place, she'll always benefit from your wisdom.

 

And don't forget to pat yourself on the back for being such an awesome parent. It's impossible not to feel how much you love her in your posts. I'm sure your support makes all the difference for her. Smiley Happy

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

I've bookmarked your message @Ngaio-RO, that's such great advice. I'm yet to reach these issues with my daughter, however the time will come...

Super contributor

Re: Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

The time will come @taokat but luckily for you, you'll have @Zoesplace 's amazing expertise to guide you through.

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

Exactly @Ngaio-RO@Zoesplace will be the expert. I can breathe easy I'll have all the support we'll need!

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

I think you have given me too much credit @taokat and @Ngaio-RO... I'm no expert Smiley Frustrated

But thanks for the vote of confidence!

 

Thanks for sharing @Ngaio-RO.  My daughter is still with her boyfriend, but she has drawn a line in the sand which means she can do that again if she needs to. I am keeping a close eye on things.   Thanks for recognising my love for her.  She drives me mad sometimes, but she means everything to me.