Depressed and melting down 14 year old son! At a loss what to do! Tired of psychologists!

[Troubled75]

I have a 14 year old son who is seriously struggling with his divorced family (8 years on), himself, his siblings, me, his father, his step family and generally everything! I have engaged psychologists and am tired of hearing metaphors about waterfalls, clapping and other useless tools! While I know his mental health is in peril, his behaviour is negative and hostile and I am at a loss as to how to parent him anymore, especially as his father is oppositional and uncooperative. Does anyone out there have any “real life” experiences or advices to share with me?

[Breez-RO]

Hey there @Troubled75, thanks so much for posting, this definitely sounds like an emotionally exhausting situation. We have a bunch of incredible parents on this forum who have experience with issues similar to this so I think you will benefit from peer support here. He is still very young, and whilst it probably feels incredibly taxing he's entering into a very vulnerable space from now until he's about 26 as his brain continues to develop and his testosterone peaks and troughs. In terms of the psychologist's, what specifically do you feel is not working? Keen to hear more on this, and where you feel the practitioner's aren't totally effective. We're here to listen

Will tag some members for you too @taokat @sunflowermom @Schooner @Orbit64

[Troubled75]

Thanks for your reply @ Breez-RO. I have seen a few psychologists with my son, and my mention of being “tired of psychologists” is not knocking so much their profession, but more so my frustration with have no end of talking feelings with no real strategies to help with the day-to-day management of my son in my home. My son will have a catastrophic meltdown that is disrespectful, often with physical outlashes, and I am torn constantly between whether he needs reprimanding or a hug (both of which seem to be ill-received). How do you be a good parent? Bad behaviour requires consequences, but when the consequences (which are generally just turning the wi-fi off or taking his devices away) cause such extreme meltdowns and emotional breakdown, what decision is right? I feel bullied as a parent!!

[Breez-RO]

Hey there @Troubled75 absolutely, totally can understand that affliction must be really challenging. There's a free service we offer called ReachOut parents coaching [click here], which basically provides support to parents who are parenting challenging adolescents or those working through mental health symptoms. I think the key thing is that you do have awareness around where his problem stems from, the boundaries must really get exhausting - balancing love and parameters, you're right it's important he doesn't bully anyone in the family and understands the resulting effect this behaviour can have.

Have the Psych's/Doc's diagnosed him with anything, he's dealing with very complex emotions by the sound of it. Or at this stage do they believe it to be a result of the divorce?

Do you have support in your life around this as well? Anyone who can provide you a safe space to talk it out?

[Troubled75]

I do believe that it stems from the divorce. Eight years on I can’t deal with his narcissistic father and he also struggles with his dad. I believe the 50/50 custody arrangement is not appropriate for my son and there seems to be nothing I can do to affect change on this front.

[Lan-RO]

@Troubled75 thanks for reaching out and I'm sorry to hear of the difficulties you have been facing. It sounds like it's been a really tough time for you and your son. I'm wondering if your son has someone that he is close to that could be an extra support during this time, perhaps a cousin, best friend or relative? You mentioned that he can have physical outlashes and meltdowns, does he play any sport that could help him release some of that built up energy? Self-care is really important during this time, what are some ways you are looking after yourself? I'm going to tag some members for some further support @Happy @Helpful_Mum @lizard0812 @Moggy3kids  We're here to listen and support you 

[Troubled75]

Currently he is not playing sport or his drums! I have tried hard to get him interested again. He is going fishing with a mate this weekend, so that will be good therapy for him I think.
I currently have him going through Mental Health at the hospital, which he hates, but am hoping some sessions there will help him manage some of his emotions.

[TOM-RO]

@Troubled75 Its great the he is going fishing with a friend. It sounds like there is something that he still enjoys and as you said, it can be very therapeutic. Hopefully he is able to reach out to this friend he goes fishing with as well, if not, that sense of connection can still be very meaningful! At 14 years old, big emotions must be terrifying for him especially not knowing what to do with those emotions. Have you considered family counselling for you and your son? Or even individual counselling for yourself? One-on-one counselling could help you to develop some strategies for ways around how you can support your son.

[lizard0812]

Hi troubled75 what a very familiar sounding story the meltdowns the anger the tears. This is such a great place for us to reach out and be able to share our experiences at the same time as trying to help and support others. We are a divorced family of 3 years with a 13 year old son and 17 year old daughter. Like your son mine is struggling so we are all struggling as a family. The not knowing how to parent these kids I totally agree. Your doing an amazing job being there for him in these situations even that is so very difficult at times. I don’t have much advise for you except to say keep loving them and trying to support them as hard as that can get at times and look after yourself make sure you are getting help and support. I find it very difficult to see my son hurting so much as I’m sure you do. Their hurt and fear comes out in anger and frustration directed at those they love the most.

We as you have tried numerous psychologists and doctors and I find them all very clinical and not always a lot of help.

My son is very involved in soccer and has an amazing coach that the boys really look up too. He has spoken to our son on many ovcasions when nothing else seems to be working and we are at a huge loss as to where to turn. He gets more out of his one on one chats with Soccer coach than ever with psychologists. Everybody is different and different things help for different people. Do you have somebody that he really looks up to and respects that you can ask for their help and support for your son. His dad doesn’t sound bad like much support which is difficult fortunately I don’t have that issue stacked on as well. Hang in there and please we are all here to help and support each other. Remember the saying it takes a village to raise a child I truely believe that. Good luck and try and find somebody that he trusts and will be willing to talk to that isn’t a clinical person. Here whenever you need

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @lizard0812, thanks for your support and being apart of the forums! You have offered such lovely sentiment and valuable insight. I think it is so true in that sometimes children are not willing to speak to their parents but it is important for them to have a trusted adult to speak to. Also very important to look after yourself and realise that you are doing the very best that you can even if it doesn't feel like it