Help with my 14yro old son who wont speak to me

[Sandee]

Hi I really dont know where to start but over the last 6 months things have gotten worse. My son has explosive reactions when anything doesnt go his way. He im sure is suffering some sort of mental health issues but I also feel like he can be very manipulative too. He was caught vaping a while back and that seemed to be the decline. he now wont even speak with me he wil answer if I say hello or goodnight but thats about it. he goes and catches up with his friends and is super happy when with them but comes home when he feels like it. I have asked him to let me know where he is going if he goes somewhere other than where I drop him but he doesnt. I have tried to lay some basic boundaries like letting me know where you are who you are with but he rolls his eyes and wont speak. I am really not coping with this there is so much more but I just cant write it all down as it would be an essay. He is rude to both my husband and I but when we try and talk to him he tells us to go away or blames us for everything. Im lost and feel hopless. How can a 14 yr old have so much control over us. We walk around on eggshells for fear of not knowing what his mood is. he has in the past said he doesnt want to live and he was seeing a physchologist but now thinks she is a scammer and refuses to see one. He hates school and its a fight every morning to get him to go . Im normally a strong person but this has broken me and he doesnt care at all. I know everyone says to try and do things as a family limit screen time etc but how is that possible when your son wont . You cant make them . Its like we cant even be parents incase he does something to himself.

[Portia_RO]

Hi @Sandee , I'm really glad you reached out for some support, it sounds like your son's behaviour over the last 6 months has really taken its toll on you.

I can completely understand your concern for your son and your possible frustration when he doesn't keep you in the loop about where he is or when he fails to communicate with you. It sounds as though you've tried to set some really clear and frankly very reasonable boundaries with him, but that he's completely ignoring them at the moment, which must be tough. You mentioned that all of this started around 6 months ago - was there anything in particular that might have prompted this shift in your son's attitude, or did it seem to come out of the blue?

It's great to hear that you made an effort to seek some psychological support for you son, so I'm really sorry to hear that he's refusing to talk to the psychologist you found. Did he provide any explanation for why he believed she was a 'scammer'? I'm curious as to whether his reluctance is directly related to this particular psychologist, or whether he's unhappy with the idea of talking to anyone about what's going on for him. 

You also mentioned that your son has been quite rude to you and your husband as well. What does your partner make of all of this? Do you have anyone in your life that you can talk to outside of the family about what's going on? If you think it might be useful for you, we do have a Parents Coaching Service which provides 1:1 support for parents of teens aged 12-18 that need some extra support, so feel free to check that out if you like. 

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you lately. I'll be sending you an email to check in, so keep an eye on your inbox, and please feel free to keep us updated on how you're doing. You're not alone in all of this 

[dudmum]

I could have written that post... !! Am having EXACTLY the same issues, except my son is 15.  I can't get him to speak to me about anything.  If I try to speak to him he yells at me and tells me to "f" off.... I don't know how to handle that.... I couldn't imagine ever speaking to my mother like that.... Am at my wits end trying to figure out why he is like that and how to turn him around .. he was such a lovely well mannered, polite, sociable child and now he is the exact opposite... I have obviously failed in the motherhood department...

[Sandee]

Hello @dudmum  Im so sorry to hear you too are dealing with this. My son also refuses to go to school so we are also dealing with that and him dropping out before finishing year 9. We have asked for help from so many places but not really getting anywhere. It also doesn’t help when he won’t speak to us except go away.

I hope things I’m prove for you as I truely know how your feeling 

[Bel_RO]

Hey @dudmum ,

Welcome to the forums! Thank you for having the courage to reach out for support, it shows such resilience and strength.

We are so sorry to hear that you are experiencing difficulties with your 15-year-old son not talking to you. I can just imagine how difficult it has been for you to not be able to talk to your son without being yelled at. It sounds like there has been a lot of anger towards you which can be extremely difficult to endure. There is an article here about effective communication that might interest you and another here that provides more information on free parenting support at ReachOut.

At the age of 15 your son is likely going through many hormonal changes which can impact mood and behaviour. However, it is not okay to be treated like this by a loved one. We do have this resource on changes during puberty and this resource on navigating anger which may be useful also. 

How are you feeling today? I also wonder how you have been caring for yourself in response to the distress this change in your son must be causing?

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

[dudmum]

Thanks for your message.. I had a look at some of the resource links ... the video How to Communicate Effectively with your Teenager was interesting... but it still requires the teenager to be present for the communication... mine refuses to talk to me at all... I've tried talking to him when in the car so he couldn't walk away but he just talks over the top of me saying "I don't care, I'm not interested, I'm not listening" and turns the music up in his earphones.

The article "How to have a great conversation" is also good with the conversation starters... but if I asked my son "Is there something that you'd like some help with?"   He would say "no" and walk away.

Every day when he gets home from school I ask him "how was your day?" "Anything interesting happen?" "What did you do at lunchtime?"  and all I get back is "ugh", "nup" and "nomuch"....

Any ideas on what I can do to get him to want to talk, even a little bit of small talk would be nice....

[Stormy-RO]

Hey @dudmum I wanted to chime in with some support as it sounds like you're really struggling with communicating with your son. The fact that you want to keep that connection alive is so special and it's hard when he doesn't want to talk to you at all. I think it's not uncommon for parents to feel this way when their kids are in the teenage years, and I'm sorry to hear that you're having struggles starting up a conversation across a range of situations.

I wanted to explore what may be going on for you son which has stopped this communication from happening. When was the last time you felt that you two were connected? Can you think of anything that happened since then which may have affected his willingness to talk? I was also wondering whether there were any topics that you know he'd be more interested in talking about, if small talk isn't working. Does he have any hobbies or interests you could share a discussion about with him? It may show that you're interested in his life outside of his usual day. I'm curious to know your thoughts about this!