I am hoping that another parent who has experience similar to what you're going through might see this. In the meantime, I know what it means to go through incredible despair through my debilitating health situation where it looked like I wouldn't see my kids grow up. I'm still here 13 years later, so perhaps that might give you hope that things can change. I am a writer, poet, photographer so I can relate to what you're saying as a musician and artist. I also play violin and piano, though have a long way to go before I'd consider myself a musician.
As creative people, we grapple with human emotions, what makes people do the things they do and quite often, there are no explanations and what people do doesn't make any sense and sometimes it never will. Even if you're not Christian there's a lot of sense in the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
That's all very well when you're talking about simple stuff that doesn't matter like what you're going to eat for breakfast, but having your son turn his back on you is clearly in a different league. I don't know what to suggest about reaching out to your son. However, clearly you are concerned about the impact this is having on yourself and it's dragged you right down and almost completely under the water entirely. Although we haven't met in person, I have seen you floating in the water, jumped in my boat and I am sitting in the water beside you. Perhaps we're talking. Perhaps, there's just silence. However, I really do care and have taken your feelings to heart. When I've felt bad in the past, I've written some pretty gut wrenching poetry which, mind you, I'd later read at poetry readings and show my grandparents. I know the space you're in. I was wondering whether it would help to find a new creative outlet which perhaps doesn't remind you of your son and the time you've spent together. Photography has done wonders for me over the years, especially getting out into nature and you're just focused on what you see through the lens. Are you getting outside much and going for a walk or exercising in some way? It can be difficult at the oment due to Covid, but everythin I read about trying to improve your mood has exercise at the top of the list. That drives me a bit crazy because of my mobility issues and also because I'm not an exercise person. However, it does help. You don't need to start off with anything drastic just something. Gardenin is another thing which can lift your spirits and I should have mentioned my first go to...we have three dogs. Some times, we need each and every one of tthose dogs to get us through the hard times we've faced. Indeed, the reason we have three dogs is that we lost the border collie we'd had for 12 years right through the worst of my health issues and the kids growing up and I joke that it took two dogs to full his paws.
I hope this helps and I hope we can continue this chat later. I have to pick up my daughter who went wandering last weekend and is being kept of a short rope atm.
Best wishes,
Birdwings
PS Birdwings is a poem by Rumi. You might like it.
