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My son wont talk to me anymore

My son wont talk to me anymore

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Active scribe
HurtingnSoCal

My son wont talk to me anymore

Its been almost a year since the last time I talked to my son. He used to live with his mom about 10 mins from me. But then in November 2019 I got the following text message from him.

"Hey, Dad I've been meaning to tell you, I've just been so busy, but we are moving to Dixon, CA to live with Tita R. right now and next year (maybe in the summer) we will move to Washington. So by tomorrow we will be in Dixon. Sorry I couldn't tell you sooner"

This left me feeling hurt beyond words. Not only was he moving so far away. But he didn't bother to tell me until he was in the car and on the road. I never got a chance to say by or hug him one more time. This made me feel like he didn't care enough about me to make an effort to tell me sooner. And to tell me by a text message felt just plain insulting... I thought my pain couldn't get any worse. But since leaving he hasn't made any attempt to contact me. He hasnt answered his phone so I'm left with sending him messages. I sent him a merry Christmas message and he never replied, I told him happy birthday he didn't reply. What hurt most is when fathers day came around he didn't call text or make any attempt to contact me. This hurt me deeper than you could imagine. This is my only child who doesn't appear to care about me anymore. My birthday was a few days ago and still nothing... I could understand if he was 8 or 9 yrs old. This behavior could be written off as he's to young to know better. But my son is 23 yrs old. How do you deal with something like this?? How does a parent deal with this hurt?? Im just lost, confused, hurt and angry. Do I continue to attempt to contact someone who obviously doesn't care about me? Or just let him go and move on with my life ?
Mod
Andrea-RO

Re: My son wont talk to me anymore

Hello @HurtingnSoCal l, sorry to hear that you have not spoken to your son in a while. I can understand why you are feeling hurt beyond words, that must be so awful to experience. It must be so hard to not be able to talk to your son, especially when you did not get a proper goodbye. I think it would be really helpful for you to talk about how you are feeling with others. So it is great that you have reached out for support here! Have you had a chance to discuss this with someone close to you? If you aren’t feeling up to talking with someone you know, there are always helplines with trained counsellors that would be happy to discuss this with you.  Our service is intended for Australian parents seeking support with mental health and their teens, and we've noticed that you are also located in the US so we can’t really provide appropriate referrals for services in your area. I would recommend looking to some helpline services for parents that are available in your area, as you might find it to be quite helpful. Please feel free to keep us updated here on the forums!

Parent/Carer Community Champion
Birdwings

Re: My son wont talk to me anymore

Just wanted to let you know that I read your message and took it to heart. I have a few friends who've had issues with their kids, and parents who have cut them off as well. . If you could find out through a third party if he's okay in general, that might be an idea. However, that could be a painful process if you find out it is just you. However, maybe something else is going on. It might not just be you. Meanwhile, try and chat to someone about how you feel. It's really good that you spoke out here, but hopefully you can find someone closer to home. Take care and I hope things improve. 

Active scribe
HurtingnSoCal

Re: My son wont talk to me anymore

Hi Birdwings. Thank you for the reply. I do know he's ok. I spoke with his best friend the other day. And he said he still talks to him and that they are doing fine. And he still talks to others in his mom's side of the family. So it looks like I'm the only one he doesn't talk to... what frustrates me the most is I just don't understand why he would do this. Im not an abusive parent. I never needed to be because he always behaved and never smarted off or talked back. I always took him out to do fun stuff like sporting events, or movies etc.. always bought him what he needed like clothing, school supplies etc.. he knew if he ever needed anything all he had to do was just ask and I'd get it for him. So for the life of me I can't understand why he would just turn his back on me like I dont exist anymore. Its a struggle I never thought I'd have to deal with. And one thats hurting me in a way I never thought possible. I reached out on here because this has changed me as a person. I'm a musician and artist. I used to use music and or art to help me through tough times. But this experience has changed me. I no longer find enjoyment in anything. I tried playing my guitar the other day and was literally disgusted by it. To the point that im contemplating selling all my music gear because i dont want to look at it anymore. I tried painting the other day and was also fisguted by that as well. By the end of the day I threw eerything in the trash because I couldn't stand the sight of it. I don't even listen to music anymore. I turned the radio in my car off monrhs ago because I don't want to hear it. I don't know what to do at this point...
Parent/Carer Community Champion
Birdwings

Re: My son wont talk to me anymore

I am hoping that another parent who has experience similar to what you're going through might see this. In the meantime, I know what it means to go through incredible despair through my debilitating health situation where it looked like I wouldn't see my kids grow up. I'm still here 13 years later, so perhaps that might give you hope that things can change. I am a writer, poet, photographer so I can relate to what you're saying as a musician and artist. I also play violin and piano, though have a long way to go before I'd consider myself a musician. 

As creative people, we grapple with human emotions, what makes people do the things they do and quite often, there are no explanations and what people do doesn't make any sense and sometimes it never will. Even if you're not Christian there's a lot of sense in the Serenity Prayer: 

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

That's all very well when you're talking about simple stuff that doesn't matter like what you're going to eat for breakfast, but having your son turn his back on you is clearly in a different league. I don't know what to suggest about reaching out to your son. However, clearly you are concerned about the impact this is having on yourself and it's dragged you right down and almost completely under the water entirely. Although we haven't met in person, I have seen you floating in the water, jumped in my boat and I am sitting in the water beside you. Perhaps we're talking. Perhaps, there's just silence. However, I really do care and have taken your feelings to heart. When I've felt bad in the past, I've written some pretty gut wrenching poetry which, mind you, I'd later read at poetry readings and show my grandparents. I know the space you're in. I was wondering whether it would help to find a new creative outlet which perhaps doesn't remind you of your son and the time you've spent together. Photography has done wonders for me over the years, especially getting out into nature and you're just focused on what you see through the lens. Are you getting outside much and going for a walk or exercising in some way? It can be difficult at the oment due to Covid, but everythin I read about trying to improve your mood has exercise at the top of the list. That drives me a bit crazy  because of my mobility issues and also because I'm not an exercise person. However, it does help. You don't need to start off with anything drastic just something. Gardenin is another thing which can lift your spirits and I should have mentioned my first go to...we have three dogs. Some times, we need each and every one of tthose dogs to get us through the hard times we've faced. Indeed, the reason we have three dogs is that we lost the border collie we'd had for 12 years right through the worst of my health issues and the kids growing up and I joke that it took two dogs to full his paws. 

I hope this helps and I hope we can continue this chat later. I have to pick up my daughter who went wandering last weekend and is being kept of a short rope atm. 

Best wishes,

Birdwings

PS Birdwings is a poem by Rumi. You might like it. 

Active scribe
HurtingnSoCal

Re: My son wont talk to me anymore

Its been a while since ive been on here. Since the last time i posted my own health has gotten worse. I now cant walk due to issues with my feet. Ive been isolated in my room / bed. My sister called my son and gave him an earful. It was only afyer that that he contacted me. I expressed how much it hurt that he hadn't contacted me for over a year. And asked if there was something I had said or done to upset him. His reply was that if he calls or texts someone its for a reason. He doesnt just randomly call / text someone. This left me feeling even more upset. It felt like he was saying "I only contact people if it important. Thats why I never contact you because your not important enough to me" I really wish I could afford to just get away. To go somewhere away from my life and reboot my soul...
Mod
Andrea-RO

Re: My son wont talk to me anymore

That is incredibly hurtful @HurtingnSoCal, and I can only imagine how painful that would have been for you. Were you able to tell your son how much that comment had affected you? Was he able to understand where you were coming from?

Active scribe
HurtingnSoCal

Re: My son wont talk to me anymore

I haven't heard from him since...
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Parent/Carer Community Champion
Birdwings

Re: My son wont talk to me anymore

That must be very hard. 

Community Manager
Bre-RO

Re: My son wont talk to me anymore

Aww @HurtingnSoCal reading through your thread, I am really feeling for you and can imagine how hurt you must feel. You mentioned that you've had health complications with your feet, how is that going? Have you been able to connect with friends or family and get some support with how this would be making you feel?