08-07-2021 03:52 PM
Hello @Mel3115 , sounds like there has been a lot going on lately. I am sorry to hear about what your daughter has been through with this person. Seems like there has been a lot for everyone to process and it is unfortunate that she has been left feeling really hurt and you feeling angered and down. Have you been able to discuss how you are feeling and how your daughter has been feeling with her? You might find having an open discussion with her to be a helpful way for yourself and her to start to move past this .
08-07-2021 10:22 PM
08-07-2021 10:31 PM
08-08-2021 04:14 PM
Hello @Butterfly51 , just wanted to jump in and say how it is great to hear that things are getting better for you and your daughter. It sounds like things have started to settle a bit between your daughter and her ex-partner and that they are able to maintain some friendship. I wish you and your daughter the best moving forward .
10-28-2021 01:45 AM - last edited on 10-28-2021 12:12 PM by Portia_RO
I’m in a similar position in that I feel overwhelmed with ‘hatred’ for the boy who recently broke my daughter’s heart.
They started dating three years ago, both aged 15, after being close friends for a while. My daughter was seeing a therapist through the children’s mental health service after a period of bullying left her with severe social anxiety. This boy was so supportive and caring throughout and we felt grateful that she had someone so lovely in her life after such a difficult time. His family seemed to adore her and she felt the same about them. She often went away with them and stayed over at their house. Our family welcomed him with open arms.
We are fairly conservative and, whilst we didn’t insist that they waited until marriage to sleep together, we did make it clear to our daughter that we would prefer them to wait until they were both mature enough to take that step. Despite peer pressure from his friends, this boy agreed to this and told my daughter many many times that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her so was happy to wait. This summer, after both turning 18, they decided between them that the time was right. Long story short, 11 days later, he broke up with her (after several arguments over his acquaintance/‘friendship’ with the boy who had bullied her and who had subsequently been accused of non consensual sex with another girl at a party). My daughter’s boyfriend said he wanted to give their relationship the best chance of working in the long term as he felt that the arguments were driving them apart. He wanted to rebuild the strong friendship they had once shared, and hopefully get back together at some point in the future.
My daughter was completely devastated. She told him she didn’t think she could be friends with him and watch him dating other girls once he got to university and he reassured her that he had no intention of doing that.
Since then, they have had sporadic contact, my daughter still hoping that he would change his mind. Her mental health has deteriorated severely and she has started self harming again. A couple of weeks ago, a mutual friend told her that, not only is her ex sleeping with various different girls at university but that he started to do so on his second night there.
My poor daughter now feels like she was just the first of a series of one night stands for him and it is tipping her over the edge.
I should probably point out that all this came on top of a horrible period in which we also discovered that the inheritance that her grandfather left her (over £60k) for when she turned 18, has been stolen by the trustees so she has had to deal with police on top of her exams and, of course, the small matter of the pandemic.
I feel myself consumed with hatred, I just want this boy to feel hurt too and I fantasise about telling his parents exactly how he has behaved towards my daughter (I know he is their son but his mum has already told my daughter that she is sad they’re not still together and that she thinks he is a “silly boy” for ending it). I just want him to feel a fraction of the hurt and humiliation he has caused in my family. We all feel completely taken in by his veneer of decency.
Despite all this, my daughter still says she would take him back if he asked. I don’t know what to do.
I’m in the UK by the way, I hope that’s ok, as I understand this is an Australian forum.
10-28-2021 12:10 PM - edited 10-28-2021 12:14 PM
Hi @Mumof2grown ,
I’m very sorry to hear that your daughter’s relationship has ended. It sounds as though you were very welcoming towards her ex-partner and made an effort to include him as part of your family, so I can completely understand why it might feel hurtful and humiliating to see your daughter going through this heartbreak.
I often feel as though parents go through the emotional heartache of a breakup with their teen, so I can also completely understand why you might be feeling consumed by these negative feelings towards her ex-partner. It sounds like a sign that you care very deeply about your daughter, and that you hate the idea of her being in pain because of someone else’s actions.
I’m sorry to hear that your daughter has started self-harming again and that her mental health is suffering due to this break up. Is she currently seeing a psychologist or a counsellor? I definitely went through a similar experience during my first break up, and I found that my Mum’s reassurance that this too shall pass helped me to sit with the pain and eventually rebuild my resilience. The best that you can offer your daughter right now is to sit in the dark ditch with her while she’s hurting, and remind her that eventually it won’t hurt this badly, which it sounds like you are doing. How do you feel about the fact that they are still in contact?
How are you coping with supporting your daughter? Is there anyone in your life you feel comfortable venting your frustrations about your daughter’s ex-partner to?
You are absolutely welcome to post on the forums from the UK! I hope you don't mind, but I edited a small part of your post to ensure that it meets our community guidelines and is safe for other members of the community to read.
10-28-2021 05:12 PM - edited 10-28-2021 05:55 PM
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