Unable to stop “hating” daughter’s exboyfriend

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @Mel3115 , sounds like there has been a lot going on lately. I am sorry to hear about what your daughter has been through with this person. Seems like there has been a lot for everyone to process and it is unfortunate that she has been left feeling really hurt and you feeling angered and down. Have you been able to discuss how you are feeling and how your daughter has been feeling with her? You might find having an open discussion with her to be a helpful way for yourself and her to start to move past this .  

[Butterfly51]

Wow ..it does sound very similar...well it's been a year now my daughter has been broke up and it has come full circle basically at their graduation We saw him he hugged me and took pictures with Haylee I told him I had no hard feelings towards him and wished him well in his life we invited him to my daughter grad party but he was having his the same day so him and his family could not make it well during these months that pasted by my daughter seen him at parties by himself he broke up with that girl and has asked my daughter to get back with him atleast 3 times now but she knows he really hasn't matured to much I think she is waiting for him to just show her how he is maturing action and treatment speak louder than words do or she is trying to move on with her life I know she still loves him she did start dating a boy who was her bestie but 1 month into that he kissed another girl and is now trying to work his way back into boyfriend status again she doesn't trust him now . And I really don't care for this boy like I did with Dylan, Al's Dylan and his step mom and brothers all cam over to deliver a grad card to Haylee and stayed and talked with us for a few hours my daughter had to go to work ,she left they stayed and his step mom asked me how Haylee was doing I said good she wanted me to know that Dylan had shared with her that he still was in love with Haylee and wanted to be a part of her life even if it was good friends he said no one ever saw him as a good kid except us and especially me then Dylan came in and saw we were talking about it he said look I really miss her and you I really just want to be in her life I said talk with her like you use to whatever you do don't ignore her show her she matters I know she still has feelings for you And as for me I am always here for you either way he was like I am running out of excuses to come over ..I said you need no excuses to come over just show up here . His step mom and I really want them back together that's when they both were truly happy but Haylee has this other boy competing for her attention all the time!!! So who knows what will happen what I did was put both Haylee and Dylan in pink bubbles in my head and let God and the universe do their magic I did talk with my daughter after her and Dylan broke up she knows I still love Dylan as one of my own kids so my advice is pray and give it to God and the universe its beyond our control and my hurt has healed up especially after Dylan came over with his step mom . Very healing and I know for a fact we had a great impact on this kids life weather they get back together or not I just keep giving it to God . I will pray for you to have more peace with it ..it is a process for sure

[Butterfly51]

Thank you so much for writing and caring, things are getting better and she is now working 2 jobs getting ready to start college and things are coming full circle regarding her ex boyfriend not sure where it's all gonna lead only time will tell I am doing much better with it all and have healed . Thank you for caring so much.

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @Butterfly51 , just wanted to jump in and say how it is great to hear that things are getting better for you and your daughter. It sounds like things have started to settle a bit between your daughter and her ex-partner and that they are able to maintain some friendship. I wish you and your daughter the best moving forward .

[Mumof2grown]

I’m in a similar position in that I feel overwhelmed with ‘hatred’ for the boy who recently broke my daughter’s heart.
They started dating three years ago, both aged 15, after being close friends for a while. My daughter was seeing a therapist through the children’s mental health service after a period of bullying left her with severe social anxiety. This boy was so supportive and caring throughout and we felt grateful that she had someone so lovely in her life after such a difficult time. His family seemed to adore her and she felt the same about them. She often went away with them and stayed over at their house. Our family welcomed him with open arms.
We are fairly conservative and, whilst we didn’t insist that they waited until marriage to sleep together, we did make it clear to our daughter that we would prefer them to wait until they were both mature enough to take that step. Despite peer pressure from his friends, this boy agreed to this and told my daughter many many times that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her so was happy to wait. This summer, after both turning 18, they decided between them that the time was right. Long story short, 11 days later, he broke up with her (after several arguments over his acquaintance/‘friendship’ with the boy who had bullied her and who had subsequently been accused of non consensual sex with another girl at a party). My daughter’s boyfriend said he wanted to give their relationship the best chance of working in the long term as he felt that the arguments were driving them apart. He wanted to rebuild the strong friendship they had once shared, and hopefully get back together at some point in the future.
My daughter was completely devastated. She told him she didn’t think she could be friends with him and watch him dating other girls once he got to university and he reassured her that he had no intention of doing that.
Since then, they have had sporadic contact, my daughter still hoping that he would change his mind. Her mental health has deteriorated severely and she has started self harming again. A couple of weeks ago, a mutual friend told her that, not only is her ex sleeping with various different girls at university but that he started to do so on his second night there.
My poor daughter now feels like she was just the first of a series of one night stands for him and it is tipping her over the edge.
I should probably point out that all this came on top of a horrible period in which we also discovered that the inheritance that her grandfather left her (over £60k) for when she turned 18, has been stolen by the trustees so she has had to deal with police on top of her exams and, of course, the small matter of the pandemic.
I feel myself consumed with hatred, I just want this boy to feel hurt too and I fantasise about telling his parents exactly how he has behaved towards my daughter (I know he is their son but his mum has already told my daughter that she is sad they’re not still together and that she thinks he is a “silly boy” for ending it). I just want him to feel a fraction of the hurt and humiliation he has caused in my family. We all feel completely taken in by his veneer of decency.
Despite all this, my daughter still says she would take him back if he asked. I don’t know what to do.
I’m in the UK by the way, I hope that’s ok, as I understand this is an Australian forum.
Thank you.

[Portia_RO]

Hi @Mumof2grown ,

I’m very sorry to hear that your daughter’s relationship has ended. It sounds as though you were very welcoming towards her ex-partner and made an effort to include him as part of your family, so I can completely understand why it might feel hurtful and humiliating to see your daughter going through this heartbreak.

I often feel as though parents go through the emotional heartache of a breakup with their teen, so I can also completely understand why you might be feeling consumed by these negative feelings towards her ex-partner. It sounds like a sign that you care very deeply about your daughter, and that you hate the idea of her being in pain because of someone else’s actions.

I’m sorry to hear that your daughter has started self-harming again and that her mental health is suffering due to this break up. Is she currently seeing a psychologist or a counsellor? I definitely went through a similar experience during my first break up, and I found that my Mum’s reassurance that this too shall pass helped me to sit with the pain and eventually rebuild my resilience.   The best that you can offer your daughter right now is to sit in the dark ditch with her while she’s hurting, and remind her that eventually it won’t hurt this badly, which it sounds like you are doing. How do you feel about the fact that they are still in contact? 

How are you coping with supporting your daughter? Is there anyone in your life you feel comfortable venting your frustrations about your daughter’s ex-partner to?

You are absolutely welcome to post on the forums from the UK! I hope you don't mind, but I edited a small part of your post to ensure that it meets our community guidelines and is safe for other members of the community to read. 

[Mumof2grown]

Thank you so much for your response and thank you making any necessary changes to my post. I just feel helpless at the moment. My daughter is on the waiting list for 1:1 counselling with psychological services. They say she should be seen before Christmas.
I don’t really have anyone other than my husband (who is hurting just as much as I am) that I feel I can tell the whole story to. My daughter has always been the ‘golden girl’ in my family and is very much loved by everyone. Her relationship was seen as something special and she would be mortified if people knew the way he has behaved.
Initially I supported the contact. He said all the right things about how he didn’t want to lose her from his life and hoped they could work through things eventually. I feel guilty now that I encouraged it when I should have been helping her to put him behind her and move on. We loved this boy and would have been more than happy to see them back together. Now though, I just can’t believe she would still want him back after all this and I’m not sure how we would ever welcome him again, knowing what we do.

[Sdlw1991]

So glad I found this page. I felt like I must have been the only person stupid enough to let her daughter date from 14 to 16 and take the boy in like a son. I was regretting everything I did and kind of still am. I knew the relationship wasn't right but he seemed like a nice kid and who was I to say break up with him. My daughter was struggling with school and some other friend issues apparently and got into an fight with her boyfriend. She threatened to harm herself and he reached out to me. I reported back to him that she was overwhelmed and he insisted it related to him so I thought maybe she was lying and it scared me. I mentioned something about maybe the relationship was more toxic than I thought. Mind you all of this happened at 11 pm or later at night and I am not good at night. The next day I told him simply that there may be a disconnect between them and they may want different things. My daughter needs quality time. This kid was known to exclude her from things and it bugged her which was the reason for 90% of their fights (maybe 10 in 20 months time frame). So sorry to ramble but I feel like I caused the breakup. He broke up with her via text the day after the harm situation occurred. I am scared she might blame me, scared I caused it by letting them get close and stay together so long and scared she might get really depressed as she was already struggling before this breakup.

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @Sdlw1991 , I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through. It sounds like things have been tough for both you and your daughter lately. Sorry to hear that you are worried about your daughter and how she might deal with her recent breakup. It seems like you care a lot about your daughter and are supportive of her and what she needs. Does your daughter have any other supports around her at the moment that can help? You mentioned that your daughter spoke about wanting to harm herself recently, so I just want to ask if you have any current concerns about your daughter’s safety?