LHi @taokat . I just read your story , wow this must be so painful to navigate . I am always, always, gobsmacked by parents who decide to opt out of their child's life .For me the instinct to love and nurture is so strong I think I would rather cut off my right arm than not see my precious two and I know my husband would too . It's so hard to fathom isn't it ? Why would he do that and then come back in and suddenly expect to be Dad and not ease into it at her pace ? It's mind boggling , how one eyed some parents can be in their attempts to create bonds in the teenage years when they have done no ground work . It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic . What is also difficult to fathom is that he was willing to miss out in all those years of watching his beautiful daughter grow and develop . He missed out so much and she missed out even more ! Yet he thinks he can just jump back in again as if nothing has transpired. I can understand this must hurt you and frustrate you enormously! You have been Mum and Dad to her over the years and your depth of parenting knowledge , passion for your child and desire to make her into the best person she can be is evident in every post you make on this forum . She is very lucky to have you . You asked what you could say to her to ease the knowledge that " he doesn't love her " ( I am not sure if he does , or not, I don't know him ) but I understand that is her perception , and perception is reality . To negate this for her, and say she's wrong , he does love her " in his own way " may be counterproductive if this is what she is experiencing and is how she interprets his interactions and lack of . It's her reality after all . I would also NOT concur with her either , this will not be good for the processing of her feelings of being rejected . Best to stay neutral and focus on empathy . I would try these possible options ( in your own words ) if you have not done so already . 1 . Some inidividuals in this world cannot give away what they don't have . Her birth father is probably a damaged soul who was probably unable to recognise what he had and how much he was self sabotaging by not being Dad . He may regret that now and the anger he is expressing is a sign of his frustration and fear he now feels in his remorse . 2. His poor attempts at reconciliation , which have turned to custard is evidence that he STILL does not yet , have the ability to create a harmonious relationship with her and that he has failed to take it upon himself to educate himself fully about emotional intelligence , integrity and repairing emotional wounds in himself and your daughter in the years they have been apart . It is an indicator of an inability to self reflect and self awareness, a very common trait in those who have not done, a lot of self work .( Putting you down and being abusive towards you her Mum , is a reflection of this) Don't tell her this verbatim ! but do tell her that some parents have a lack of awareness and still have a lot to learn in life about love . Some adults take years to evolve and do the right thing by their children and sometimes their children surpass them in many ways when it comes to relationship building . This is very sad for him and for her but it's the reality , and we have to deal with where he is mentally right now . Sometimes good people do stupid things , even bad things and make very poor choices . No matter how much we love them we can't have them in our circle right now if they are unable yo express their love in positive and contributing ways . 3 People can't change about themselves what they don't acknowledge and take responsibility for , he sounds still very "stuck" . In this way maybe it is a good thing he is not in her life right now , as he may bring chaos and more hurt especially if there has been no growth or emotional evolution , she is possibly better to protect herself from him at this stage . 4. Some deeply hurt individuals are unable to demonstrate in their behaviours what real love looks like and feels like - They were never taught and it was never modelled for them in a really healthy way . They really struggle - maybe he is perhaps one of those people . 5. Adults who grow up in a less than adequate environment and or have mental health issues, often have cognitive dissonance around freely saying the words "I love you ' but are unable to freely show that love in their behaviours towards that loved one . It's like , all care but no responsibility . Saying you love and then showing it can be worlds apart for some people . 6 . Heap her with praise on how she had developed as a wonderful person with great attributes and abilities despite the lack of his influence on her life - thus that may very well be a blessing ! 7. She is not responsible in any way for the Father not being there . It was never about her , and it's still not about her . He has his own demons . 8. Focusing on self love and the evidence around her that she is loved enormously by others who know her deeply is proof she is lovable and has much to offer herself and the world . 9 . Of all the girls in this world you could have been a Mum to - you got her ! Lottery ! And you are therefore the luckiest Mum in the world . 10. If she desperately wants connection with him , in the future , then get her to write down how that would look and what are the boundaries she needs to implement . She could write him a letter saying such things as we can share time if you accept that I call you by name and we stick to safe topics, such as , what we are up to , and sharing jokes and anecdotes. She has a right to her boundaries and these may help ensure he does not say abusive things about you or her and sticks to the mutual script ! Then she is empowered and knows when she should walk away . 11. Building a relationship takes time and effort and energy . Maybe a hot choccy once a fortnight might be all she can do at this stage , If he's committed he will agree to her terms . Many of of these points may seem a llittle too " adult " for a teen , but from what you have told us before your daughter is very emotionally intelligent and you have rich and nuanced discussions about feelings and behaviours and what is acceptable. Hope there is some small take away here ! 😊
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