About Faob_1

Faob_1 · ‎08-12-2018

@Taylor-RO @Tisme Hi again. There is no easy solution to this problem, but for me, when I returned from 2 weeks away to find my home had been damaged yet again and my husband had 3 broken ribs and the Police had put a 48 hour VRO on my son, I decided enough was enough. I know my son can be delightful, respectful and a high achiever academically. He has chosen instead to get involved in drugs, and people I can only describe as the ‘dregs’ of society using kids to sell drugs and commit other offences on their behalf, such as burglary. That behaviour does not align with the values I have taught my son. Who knows when ‘rock bottom ‘ will occur, and what form it will take. how do I look after myself? I’ve used psychologists...god knows why because I was offered no advice, just a nice couch to sit on and a box of tissues. At $180/pop they were expensive tissues! So I’ve dumped that. Im busy at work, which helps. And it’s taken months but I’ve begun doing yoga at home, playing the piano again, baking, reading, and can almost contemplate music playing in the house again. Weirdly for someone who was always musical, depression and music don’t always go hand in hand! Plenty of times I couldn’t bear the noise of it. I’ve been doing some woodwork at the school I teach at, and it’s been incredibly empowering as I’ve taken on a project and worked with kids on it. Looking after yourself when the family is in crisis mode is not easy. You have to have the right headspace to do yoga, or play tennis, or even go for a walk or have a massage. I now have to stop my massage therapist asking how things are at home because I just don’t want to think about it for a while, and I need help relaxing! The tut-tut from others isn’t helpful. I still cry, some days more than others. I snap at my husband and daughter when they don’t deserve it, and I think often of just walking away. None of which helps. So, I try to rest, spray my pillow with lavender, cuddle the dog, do yoga, find times to enjoy the company of my husband, or my daughter, and find activities I enjoy. I’m probably spending far too much on books, but hhey it gives me an excuse to relax! Self care takes many different forms, and it may take time to occur when there is still stress at home. Book a massage o a pedicure, or go to a cafe bookshop....it doesn’t fix the problem, but reducing stress even for a short time is crucial. Find a friend who will just listen, not offer solutions, just listen. Even if it’s here in a forum. it is amazing how making the decision to draw a line in the sand can relieve you. It’s a tough thing to do, but at some point your own survival has to take priority. Best wishes.

Faob_1 · ‎08-12-2018

Hi @Tisme , I’ve read your post and I think I have some similar experiences as you, but in my case it’s with my 15 , now almost 16 y o son. Our family put up with the bathroom mess, verbal abuse, physical abuse, threats of violence, destruction of property and personal injury for a year. I then drew the line in the sand and he was removed from home via a Restraining Order. It broke our hearts and I am still dealing with the anguish of that decision. Can I say this...there are Youth Accommodation services available in your community, assuming you are in a city. There are Centrelink payments available when there is family breakdown and kids can access these. You do not have to pay for her phone. You do not have to put up with the abuse. You can change locks. You can put a lock on the bathroom door. She wants it, she cleans it. You do not have to put up with verbal abuse. I spent thousands on psych appts, counsellor, expeditions, to no avail. We reached a point where we walked on eggshells and even stayed at work until all hours to avoid being in our home. Our dog was terrified of our son, who had been her rescuer. THis was unsustainable . You have a huge health issue to deal with yourself. Your daughter is almost legally an adult. She can go adult somewhere else. You do not have to find her a flat, nor pay the rent, nor to pay her petrol. Please, I know it sounds harsh, but please, some kids need to learn another way. She knows how to clean. She knows what hygiene means. Stop letting her be in the driving seat. Take back your own home, life and focus on your health. My son stood at the foot of my ICU bed a year ago and I could see he didn’t care one iota how sick his mum was. Please, I know you will shed bucketloads of tears, but please just retake your life. Thinking of you.

Faob_1 · ‎05-24-2018

Hi, as a parent and a teacher it makes me really annoyed to read what your daughter was subject o by a teacher. Please, please make an appointment with the teacher concerned and ask for a Deputy, or year coordinator and pastoral care staff to be there too. I would take the approach that the comments made were unprofessional, unacceptable in this day and age, and that no student should be humiliated by someone whose very role in her life is to guide and inspire. In no uncertain terms would I allow that to go past. Please be firm with the school. Teachers should ‘have their students’backs’, just as much as a parent, imho. Let us know what you do.

Faob_1 · ‎05-14-2018

Thanks for the response. The police have told my husband which school friend he is staying with tonight. We don’t know them at all. The kids with whom he has been associating are on the whole, having all the same issues with their behaviour as well. It’s not, from what I can tell, or from what his school has hinted at, a good crowd to be mixing with. The police have said they intend to get their Youth at Risk officer at the local PCYC involved with our son, to do what they can to intervene. They really don’t want to see the kid in detention, nor do we. They have remarked several times they can see he’s from a good home and that his parents are really trying hard to break cycles. So, I know no one can tell me what’s next...I guess I’m grasping at straws. I have some supportive friends and family members and an amazing husband who will continue doing what he can to ensure our son may still have a positive future. I will seek further counselling too.

Faob_1 · ‎05-14-2018

Well, it’s been months I’ve been adding to this forum. So long my son has aged a year in the process...I’ve aged about a hundred! The long and the short of it is I’ve had a Family Violence Restraining Order served on my 15 year old son today. That means no contact via phone, physically and no approaching within 50m of me or our family home. The judge who granted it put me through the mill. It was very tough sitting there in The Children’s Court requesting the order. I am the only one named on the order, not my husband nor my 18 year old daughter. She has just returned from 6 months away and is terribly upset nothing has improved in that time. So, my question is, has anyone here been through this experience? How did you get through? Does the penny ever drop for kids who are just spiralling out of control and rational thought processes? He is using cannabis and I honestly feel that it is having noticeable bad effects already. Here in WA dope is being laced with Ice and I wonder if that’s part of our problem. How many pedicures will I need before the ‘me time’ actually works?! But seriously, what’s next?

Faob_1 · ‎04-25-2018

Hi there , we have been through this numerous times over the past year with our 15 year old son. I can understand how distressing this can be. I don’t know how your relationship is, but can I suggest that you keep using messenger to communicate with him, even though he is offline. And, really importantly, try not to make your messages judgemental. Believe me I know how hard that is when you just want to scream at them...but, we found we got the best results, replies, from him when we kept tone neutral and just said things like, checking in with you. Hope you are safe. Let me know who you are with and if , when you need a lift home. Cooking a roast on.....hope to see you then and hear how your trip went... we we are having no end of trouble with our son, and we can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I have to say, when we keep tone neutral things are marginally better. good luck police can certainly do a welfare check.

Faob_1 · ‎04-01-2018

@taokat @Erin-RO. Wow, your comment just then has really rung true...letting go of expectations and accepting a different situation is key. I’m finding tha I can’t parent a boy who doesn’t want to be parented. I can’t physically prevent him from disappearing for a night, I can’t physically drag him out of bed and get him to school. So, I’ve accepted that he is a kid who needs to find his own way, and maybe all I can do, and need to accept at this point, is make sure he has a safe home environment. That’s not easy to do when we have had our home damaged, are constantly verbally abused etc. so, perhaps if I back off on my demands of what I expect in terms of acceptable behaviour and find a new way of ‘demanding’ them, life may be a little calmer. It doesn’t mean I accept or condone all the crap, it just means I have to express my standards, values and hopes in a different way. I get tired of people saying to me I must still love him through all this. I find that extremely challenging. I would not ever choose to have anything to do with a person who treats others the way my son does, so that desire to reject him outright and the obligation to keep searching for a way to cope is enormously frustrating. But, I have to say using loads of “I”statements, making my expectations clear without the sniping I would normally add in (end of my tether stuff) seems to be disarming him and his response is changing. question...has anyone ever demanded a home drug test be done as a condition of staying at home?? Or had a GP do one at parent request? I don’t know if it’s ethical or legal, or whatever, for a GP to intervene???

Faob_1 · ‎03-30-2018

It’s excruciating putting up with it. I mentally go from wanting him out of the house and my life, to being prepared to try yet another strategy to modify behaviour, to wanting him out the door again. I have never been so physically and emotionally shattered as I am now. I have a job as a teacher which is also very emotionally and intellectually challenging with the type of students I have, so coming home to more stress is just the Straw breaking this camel’s back!

Faob_1 · ‎03-30-2018

Thanks for the encouragement, I really need it right now..pedicure is bookd in for tomorrow..me time! 😊

Faob_1 · ‎03-29-2018

Hi Tao Kat, I am sorry to hear that life took a nosedive for you and your daughter.. I am so grateful for the kind words you have offered me in the past. I know it’s tough but can a weekend away be arranged? A night away for you and a friend to come and stay and do popcorn, pizza, movie, paint your nails night with your daughter. Self care for both sounds crucial now.. Keep breathing, and Thankyou for your compassion.

Faob_1 · ‎03-29-2018

Hi, THanks for your reply. Son has been to school for three days this week, tomorrow is Good Friday, so that’s a 75% attendance! Up from 70%!! He refused to get up today, I had to go to work, so I kept calm-on the outside, inside I am seething- and went to work. i was seeing his counsellor today which is around the corner from home, so dropped in after that to find him watching tv, dressed in uniform, with neighbour who is currently suspended from school. He’s 2 years younger than my son. I told neighbour quietly he had to leave and was not helping My son by hanging out here. Outside I told neighbour that under no circumstances was he to be in my home if I or my husband are not there. If he wants to be a good friend he needs to accept that My son must go to school. ive spoken to son this afternoon and repeated that s condition of him living at home is he attends school daily. His reply, well tough, I didn’t. So I quietly said you don’t get to hang out here, eating food I go to work to provide, and do nothing in return. I asked him to go pooper scoop (dog) the yard, and omg, he did, no arguing. I am tying to use loads of “I statements”, I feel...I hope... and I think that approach is disarming him a bit. He can’t figure out how to respond to that! If I’m not yelling, he can’t yell back! He has had his ammunition removed as I am tying extremely hard not to take up his invitation to behave the way I normally would, ie, get furious and loud! not sure if I am winning here. This whole scenario is killing me. Son has a number of ‘flags’ that his counsellor hopes to get to the bottom of...it’s not going to be a quick fix. This has been going on for 18 months now. I guess, for someone , me, who is a rules/black and white kind of person, learning to operate in the grey is a new skill. Never too old to learn huh?? Hope my blood pressure can cope!

Faob_1 · ‎03-27-2018

For the past year we have been battling all sorts of issues with our son. From truancy, to substance abuse and the verbal and physical abuse that goes with that, the disappearances on weekends, the treating home like his Airbnb, and on it goes.... he has changed schools this year to one he asked to attend. However, he is still wagging classes, not doing homework, refusing to get up in the mornings without the tantrum a 2year old would be hard to throw! I am doing my best to be calm, stay matter of fact in approach, but it destroys me that a very very bright kid is behaving like this. Any strategies I can try to make the mornings a bit more bearable would be great. He is seeing a counsellor weekly, and his teachers are all very supportive as he is one of their brighter students. If we don’t wake him in the morning, he doesn’t get up and complains we didn’t wake him. If we do wake him we are told to F off and leave him alone! All ideas welcome. Thanks.

Faob_1 · ‎01-24-2018

It has been some time since I read this forum, but this post really resonated with me. Thankyou to those who suggested emotional distance, and self preservation. For the last twelve months or more we have been dealing with a son who continues to fight his own demons, dragging us along for the ride. Well, we have just about reached the end of the ride I feel, and now I must practise emotional distance and self preservation. My my son is using dope, stealing our car and driving it around, at 15, getting beaten up, had the worst school report of his life -slipped from ABs to failure DEs. He has a part time casual fast food job that he always gets to, but often doesn’t come home after shift, and we have no idea where he is. I have spent most of the school holidays away from home to see if maybe Dad/son time is an answer. Not really, no significant change or effort on son’s behalf. We have found an independent housing situation he could move to, but he is digging in his heels and refusing to agree to their rules, which in all honesty, are the same as home. But there, if he doesn’t comply, there is an immediate consequence. I feel this is where we are failing. No immediate consequences for. His failure to do as we ask, simple stuff like be here for a meal and a discussion! So, how to practise self preservation and emotional distance is my challenge for 2018. The comment that this has to be the teen’s Journey was so helpful. I will feel like c**p as I put some distance there, but the rescuing for me, has to stop.

Faob_1 · ‎01-24-2018

It has been some time since I read this forum, but this post really resonated with me. Thankyou to those who suggested emotional distance, and self preservation. For the last twelve months or more we have been dealing with a son who continues to fight his own demons, dragging us along for the ride. Well, we have just about reached the end of the ride I feel, and now I must practise emotional distance and self preservation. My my son is using dope, stealing our car and driving it around, at 15, getting beaten up, had the worst school report of his life -slipped from ABs to failure DEs. He has a part time casual fast food job that he always gets to, but often doesn’t come home after shift, and we have no idea where he is. I have spent most of the school holidays away from home to see if maybe Dad/son time is an answer. Not really, no significant change or effort on son’s behalf. We have found an independent housing situation he could move to, but he is digging in his heels and refusing to agree to their rules, which in all honesty, are the same as home. But there, if he doesn’t comply, there is an immediate consequence. I feel this is where we are failing. No immediate consequences for. His failure to do as we ask, simple stuff like be here for a meal and a discussion! So, how to practise self preservation and emotional distance is my challenge for 2018. The comment that this has to be the teen’s Journey was so helpful. I will feel like c**p as I put some distance there, but the rescuing for me, has to stop.

Faob_1 · ‎10-30-2017

Hi, for a moment I thought you were describing my 15 year old son. We have an awfully similar scenario at our home. Two exhausted parents, both physically and mentally. some things we’ve done: child and parent counselling, camping expedition guided by social workers. All to not much avail. what is working now is the fact we have made it very very clear that we are looking into independent housing for him as soon as possible. I am talking and going through the process of having him referred as we can no longer abide the passive aggressive. Or just out and out aggressive behaviour in our house. I’ve tried reconnecting with him through playing sport together, only to have the ball hit hard directly at me several times. He refuses to engage in anything at home, until he is reminded that he does the chores here, or in an independent house whe he has to do them. he is observing his self imposed curfew of 11pm, but when we say it’s a school night he has to be home earlier, he doesn’t show up at the time requested of him. He has been to a mate’s for a sleepover and we find he has bought drugs to take there. Luckily that parent is on the same page as us, and it has been discussed in both homes. We are so angry with that. he has been badly assaulted at and near school twice in the past week, Police charges are pending for the assailant. Now he wants our help to change schools but has made no effort to do well at this one, his second this year! Oh, and of course Mum is hated even more because he was assaulted and wanted him to get stitches and be checked for concussion! Neither of which was done. Positives? Has a casual fast food job. Been accepted into a hockey talent program at Hockey WA so off season training starts today x2/week. I feel he he is only towing the line because he knows he will be thrown out of home, either with or without somewhere to go if he doesn’t change. i strongly suggest tap into your son’s currency. We use a device on our home internet that son can not get around at all. We do not top up his phone unless he works for it. Internet is severely limited. No cash given out at all. If he blows his pay at once, that is his problem. There is food at home, so he can make his own lunch etc, or go hungry. I will not put up with any more c**p at home, and I am making that abundantly clear. It’s not happening quickly, but once in a while there are chinks in the teen bravado. He no longer communicates via text with me, preferring his father. Although he can be utterly vile and obnoxious, ther are times when I’ve made it clear he is out the door soon, he is found sobbing like a toddler in his room. Nothing is easy, but please, take a stance of something, stick to it fast. Don’t try to tackle everything at once. Bit by bit. all the best

Faob_1 · ‎10-07-2017

Thankyou for your comments. I have had a lightbulb moment this week which has resulted in me feeling so much better. it occurred to me that when I was fifteen I went to boarding school . There was no conflict in our home, I was the youngest of six and was ready to leave the country town I had grown up in, and spread my wings. Maybe I just need to acknowledge that in my own son, and help him find the safe place where he too can experience some independence. Of course boarding school came with rules and routines, but I was ok with that. I still had a sense of independence, and if I was going to be late for meals etc due to sport, it was my responsibility to let the boarding house mistress know, etc. I had to remember all my books each day as our boarding house was a ten minute walk from school, so no ringing mum asking her to bring homework etc... i have spoken to a group care home and they are willing to consider son as they will have a vacancy in a couple months. The rules are actually stricter than home, it, hey, he will have to come to terms with the fact that independence comes with responsibility to yourself. He grumbled yesterday he had had four meals of cereal! Hmm, well, he walked in just after we had served dinner, I had cooked for the others early but was happy to cook pasta for him when he walked in. He walked in but went straight to his room and didn’t come out for two hours! We were on our way to bed by then! No cooking meals at 9:30 at night! He chose not to cook for himself, so, another bowl of nutigrain it was!! So, we have decided this weekend to broach the subject of moving into a group house scenario, and see if he will at least consider having a look at it and talking to the staff there. There are a couple kids from his school already living there, and it’s not far from home, nor from his casual fast food workplace. We would be willing to pay the boarding fee and just maybe he would be eligible for other payments due to family breakdown, but I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one. He may have to earn his pocket money, and that isn’t a bad thing. so, I have decided after an awful term last term, to not put my life on hold, and to do what I can to guide him. I will no longer put up with his abuse, so he has to make some decisions. I can provide opportunities for him to explore independence, but as I said, with that comes responsibility. Wish me luck! And to any new members reading this, hang in there, self care is vital, and do not hesitate to seek support, either through here and the counselling slice, or elsewhere in your community. oh, and he won runner up best player for his hockey team this winter! The agony and the ecstasy!!

Faob_1 · ‎10-03-2017

Hi all, it has been quite a long time since I posted. Have sat down many a time to do so, but just couldn't get my head in the right space. Our fourteen year old son was given an ultimatum a couple months ago after being in trouble with the police, attend a social worker led expedition in SA for 2 weeks and get help to get his act together, or leave. We as parents were no longer willing to put up with the law breaking, tantrums, truanting, violence and verbal abuse. So, how did it go? Report back from SA was that he was totally shut down for the first few days, and it took a great deal of work to get him to open up and start reflecting. But, they commented on his social nature, his ability to lead, to help whenever help was needed, and that he shows enormous potential to be a truly great person. Yep, heard all that before. So, once home, we faced immediately the usual barrage of abuse over wifi access. Our response, you want it, you earn it. You have access to certain sites between the hours of 3:30-9pm, with a break to help with dinner. Well, a ton of abuse later, including cutting the wiring to the modem/router one night after electric power pole replacements in the neighbourhood had caused a few modem issues. He used all his phono data in a couple days, demanded more, but was not given it. Has on occasion asked for a wifi extension, and if the behaviour has been tolerable, it has been granted. We set up a list of jobs around the house to be done, for which he would earn pocket money at a rate of $10/hr. In a month he has washed his clothes 3 times, unloaded the dishwasher 3 times, done 1 hour of gardening, changed his sheets and cleaned his room once. So, clearly that idea means nothing to him. I think he earned, out of a potential $130, $12 for September! Still occasionally truanting from school, but, he has also had a few mates over for sleepovers so at least now we can put faces to names. We have also insisted on contact with parents of the boys, and addresses when he has stayed elsewhere. Amazingly, he has obliged. He has managed to get a job at a local fast food place, and has earned a few dollars. I don't expect they will last long in his bank! He has stolen cash from my husband's wallet to top up his bus card and pay back a friend for food purchased. He has made his own lunch maybe twice in a month. We are starving him of funds in the hope it means he can't buy illegal substances or cigarettes anymore. Not sure but think he is still smoking, but the behaviour we think we can link to illegal substances seems to have stopped. As for how the rest of the family is feeling. Son has destroyed the fabric of our family. Daughter doing her mock year 12 exams this week & next is struggling to cope and stay motivated. We live on eggshells and I am struggling to remain focussed and motivated at work myself. It is affecting my ability to do my job in that I cannot afford to leave family alone overnight as I attend a school camp, so I will have to travel each day to and from the camp. Fortunately, my colleagues are being very understanding, but I cannot afford for that to wear thin. My mental health is totally frayed. I was tempted to have myself admitted to a rehab hospital for the school holidays but am fearful of leaving family to manage alone during exam time. Also anxious about what it would mean to my employer. Also, rehab/mental health care can't be conveniently scheduled to be completed in the school holidays, so I will have to find another option! Chocolate is a good alternative!! So I am now exploring alternative accommodation options for son as I cannot tolerate his attitude where home is his private Air BnB where he can have access to free food, washing machine and wifi. He was complaining bitterly about something the other day, so I reminded him that if he couldn't cope with the conditions of our home, ie. food in the fridge, wifi, a warm house, warm bedroom, tv, access to sports equipment, laptop, then he was most welcome to leave and find alternative accommodation. Nobody was forcing him to remain in the home, indeed if the conditions are so unbearable, nobody would expect him to remain! I put up with this, and then another day he asks when we can go on an overseas holiday again?! Incredible. I did tell him I had been thinking of a trip to Japan for some time now, but his behaviour had precluded that happening, and also now with a drugs caution I am not sure if he could get a visa. I have tried to reconnect with him as per the advice from counsellors. I took him to our local squash courts & taught him how to play. This has backfired as I am now injured and can't play for a while- had old knee injuries and shoulder reconstruction that haven't taken to the game! Also, as I was once an A grade player, despite my incapacity now, I can still place the ball very well and thrash him in every game! Not good for the ego of a 14 year old who called Mum 'fat and slow and useless'! So, instead of trying harder, he would deliberately hit the ball hard at me between points. This is the type of low level abuse we put up with. So, it's the last week of school holidays. I haven't seen him for 24+ hours, no idea where he is, although I did speak to the family he stayed with last night. Hoping that I am able to source alternative accommodation for him soon. Daughter has asked that we hold off until she has finished her year 12 exams. Not sure I can last another 6 weeks. Wondering how, if he can live elsewhere, we then deal with the "You kicked me out at 15" scenario as he gets older...He tells me he is moving out at 16 as he can live on $100 a week he can earn in the fast food industry. I hate to dispel that notion, but...he just may get living allowance through family breakdown, but if that is parent-means tested, he hasn't a hope! So, for those who had offered great support to me over the past few months, many sincere thanks. Apologies for the very long update, but there you have it. I have never swung before so much between guilt, loathing, anxiety, dread and desperation. Just have to get through the next school term.

Faob_1 · ‎10-03-2017

Hi all, it has been quite a long time since I posted. Have sat down many a time to do so, but just couldn't get my head in the right space. Our fourteen year old son was given an ultimatum a couple months ago after being in trouble with the police, attend a social worker led expedition in SA for 2 weeks and get help to get his act together, or leave. We as parents were no longer willing to put up with the law breaking, tantrums, truanting, violence and verbal abuse. So, how did it go? Report back from SA was that he was totally shut down for the first few days, and it took a great deal of work to get him to open up and start reflecting. But, they commented on his social nature, his ability to lead, to help whenever help was needed, and that he shows enormous potential to be a truly great person. Yep, heard all that before. So, once home, we faced immediately the usual barrage of abuse over wifi access. Our response, you want it, you earn it. You have access to certain sites between the hours of 3:30-9pm, with a break to help with dinner. Well, a ton of abuse later, including cutting the wiring to the modem/router one night after electric power pole replacements in the neighbourhood had caused a few modem issues. He used all his phono data in a couple days, demanded more, but was not given it. Has on occasion asked for a wifi extension, and if the behaviour has been tolerable, it has been granted. We set up a list of jobs around the house to be done, for which he would earn pocket money at a rate of $10/hr. In a month he has washed his clothes 3 times, unloaded the dishwasher 3 times, done 1 hour of gardening, changed his sheets and cleaned his room once. So, clearly that idea means nothing to him. I think he earned, out of a potential $130, $12 for September! Still occasionally truanting from school, but, he has also had a few mates over for sleepovers so at least now we can put faces to names. We have also insisted on contact with parents of the boys, and addresses when he has stayed elsewhere. Amazingly, he has obliged. He has managed to get a job at a local fast food place, and has earned a few dollars. I don't expect they will last long in his bank! He has stolen cash from my husband's wallet to top up his bus card and pay back a friend for food purchased. He has made his own lunch maybe twice in a month. We are starving him of funds in the hope it means he can't buy illegal substances or cigarettes anymore. Not sure but think he is still smoking, but the behaviour we think we can link to illegal substances seems to have stopped. As for how the rest of the family is feeling. Son has destroyed the fabric of our family. Daughter doing her mock year 12 exams this week & next is struggling to cope and stay motivated. We live on eggshells and I am struggling to remain focussed and motivated at work myself. It is affecting my ability to do my job in that I cannot afford to leave family alone overnight as I attend a school camp, so I will have to travel each day to and from the camp. Fortunately, my colleagues are being very understanding, but I cannot afford for that to wear thin. My mental health is totally frayed. I was tempted to have myself admitted to a rehab hospital for the school holidays but am fearful of leaving family to manage alone during exam time. Also anxious about what it would mean to my employer. Also, rehab/mental health care can't be conveniently scheduled to be completed in the school holidays, so I will have to find another option! Chocolate is a good alternative!! So I am now exploring alternative accommodation options for son as I cannot tolerate his attitude where home is his private Air BnB where he can have access to free food, washing machine and wifi. He was complaining bitterly about something the other day, so I reminded him that if he couldn't cope with the conditions of our home, ie. food in the fridge, wifi, a warm house, warm bedroom, tv, access to sports equipment, laptop, then he was most welcome to leave and find alternative accommodation. Nobody was forcing him to remain in the home, indeed if the conditions are so unbearable, nobody would expect him to remain! I put up with this, and then another day he asks when we can go on an overseas holiday again?! Incredible. I did tell him I had been thinking of a trip to Japan for some time now, but his behaviour had precluded that happening, and also now with a drugs caution I am not sure if he could get a visa. I have tried to reconnect with him as per the advice from counsellors. I took him to our local squash courts & taught him how to play. This has backfired as I am now injured and can't play for a while- had old knee injuries and shoulder reconstruction that haven't taken to the game! Also, as I was once an A grade player, despite my incapacity now, I can still place the ball very well and thrash him in every game! Not good for the ego of a 14 year old who called Mum 'fat and slow and useless'! So, instead of trying harder, he would deliberately hit the ball hard at me between points. This is the type of low level abuse we put up with. So, it's the last week of school holidays. I haven't seen him for 24+ hours, no idea where he is, although I did speak to the family he stayed with last night. Hoping that I am able to source alternative accommodation for him soon. Daughter has asked that we hold off until she has finished her year 12 exams. Not sure I can last another 6 weeks. Wondering how, if he can live elsewhere, we then deal with the "You kicked me out at 15" scenario as he gets older...He tells me he is moving out at 16 as he can live on $100 a week he can earn in the fast food industry. I hate to dispel that notion, but...he just may get living allowance through family breakdown, but if that is parent-means tested, he hasn't a hope! So, for those who had offered great support to me over the past few months, many sincere thanks. Apologies for the very long update, but there you have it. I have never swung before so much between guilt, loathing, anxiety, dread and desperation. Just have to get through the next school term.

Faob_1 · ‎09-09-2017

Great topic. Year 12 daughter has organised an R U Ok Day fundraiser at her school next week. She has really needed this as she has been greatly affected by younger brother's expulsion from their school, and all the hoo ha that's has gone on at home this year. I find the best this is just to be able to sit and listen to her when she wants to talk. Just listen. Then I ask if she wants me to put forward any suggestions on coping strategies. Just be willing to really listen, whenever they want to talk.

Faob_1 · ‎09-09-2017

Hi I teach in a Montessori school in Perth, which sticks pretty closely to the M curriculum through ages 3-9. After that we tend to call ourselves Montessori inspired as the demands of the state high school curriculum mean we have to change the approach. NK most Montessori schools would ask you to do a couple pre entry classroom observations before you enroll so you can see exactly what goes on in a classroom. I feel the Montessori philosophy is a highly resourced and guided way of learning. Children do have to work with a partner sometimes, they do sit and listen to stories, they do whole class activities. So, my suggestion is to do as many observations as you want. No true Montessori school should object to that. We have a requirement of all our parents that do an observation at least twice a year, so it's not unusual for me to have a parent in my high school classroom! Good luck with your decision.

Faob_1 · ‎09-09-2017

Hi there, there are some similarities with your scenario and what my family has been experiencing over the last 18 months with our son who is almost 15 now. We have had all sorts to deal with. I have binned at least two vapes and explained over and over that there is no knowing what is in the solutions that are sold, although formaldehyde is a common ingredient. Extremely toxic. So try to get that message through. The lying about going places is also our experience. My current strategy is insist on a contact phone number of where he will be. I am taking the stand that I do not want to harass his 'mates' by calling them, but that he has a habit of refusing to answer our calls, so if there is a family emergency I want to be able to contact someone who can get a message to him. My husband has also shown up at places in the morning when we have been able to track him, and picked him up. My strongest advice is be firm, fair and friendly. Believe me, there are times when I desperately want to 'lose it' with son as I am frequently treated with such disrespect the mind boggles. Of course, everyone who knows son outside home thinks he is marvellous. I recommend the counselling on here. I know it is somewhat formulaic but I took something away from each session I have been able to apply with some success. i know it is hard, but try with all your might to keep your voice calm. Use lots of "I " statements. Eg I am disappointed when you don't complete the chores you promised you would do. I am disappointed you don't walk the dog anymore. I get worried when you refuse to answer my call when it is about dinner time and you're not home yet on a school night. etc. For some reason, when I use them, son is disarmed, and I often get an apology. A few weeks ago I would only get a "F'*** you", so that's progress I guess! All the best.

Faob_1 · ‎08-16-2017

My parents sent me to boarding school! Does that count as a great strategy? 😜I was their sixth child and I figure they deserved the break!

Faob_1 · ‎08-12-2017

YouTube is a brilliant idea. Could you post a couple links and topics you have used? I could use this with a kid I teach who is challenging to deal with.

Faob_1 · ‎08-05-2017

Hi everyone, thankyou for your expressions of concern. They are greatly appreciated. It has been an up and down week. Son has been tolerable although he gave us his 'log of claims' last week, which we asked for a couple days to discuss and consider. We gave him our 'counter claim', at which he threw yet another spectacular tantrum! This time as he was hiding in the bathroom in tears, my husband decided to make it very very clear, in the language son is choosing to use towards us, that he had to understand that some things, such as going to SA on the expedition, attending school and getting his head together were simply non-negotiable. And if he had taken the time to consider our 'claim' he would realise that we had been more than generous and were willing to provide more than he had asked for! So, after that he even tried to apologise to me and give me a hug! He has tried to be civil since and even tried a few hugs. Even came home within 15 mins of his self suggested curfew last night! But, we don't think he attended school at all yesterday despite him coming home in school uniform. School marked him as absent for the day, so he is still lying to us. He has read over his camp packing list and checked his dad's bushwalking boots fit, so that is something. I am at the point with counselling I am meant to be finding positive things to say to him. In all honesty, that is nigh on impossible. When someone one day tries to hit you in the face with a cupboard door flung full force, lies, steals, absconds from school, it is hard to find much good to see in that behaviour. So now I have to write a letter for him to read on camp. I have drafted one full of the vitriol I feel, then another where I have tried to sandwich the bad between a couple positives. Not much of it feels honest. So my mission this weekend is to use my best knowledge of rhetoric to write something I hope will make a difference, despite my nagging thoughts of doubt. still hoping he gets on that plane on Monday morning. Husband is willing to book a ticket tomorrow if there is any hint he is about to abscond. still here, trying to breathe.

Faob_1 · ‎07-28-2017

Hi @taokat Thanks for the message. Well, Monday went ok. Tuesday Went ok, although I did find some contraband partially hidden at home. Thought it was odd only some of it hidden. Wednesday thought maybe, just maybe we are getting somewhere. Then Wednesday night went spectacularly pair shaped. Son came home, obviously in a 'heightened' state, and later in the evening 'kicked off' as he has done in the past. I was at my work running parent teacher interviews so got home to be told husband had called police, was not going to try to,deal,with potential escalation of violence himself. Son was unbelievably belligerent towards police, who were amazing, but he did end up handcuffed and charged with drug offences and has been referred to the Drug Diversion Program run by the Juvenile Justice Teams. It is compulsory attendance or he will be up in front of a magistrate. Police did offer to call crisis care and have him removed, or take him immediately to,juvenile detention. They were at pains to point out that he is clearly from a caring home, that putting him in care will,expose him to kids ten times worse than him. They Really don't want to see that happen. We explained all the things we are doing to get help, Reach out, private psych, school.psych and counsellors, family friend as mentor, True North Expedition in SA booked...they said we are doing everything right as far as they are concerned. Phew. We both stayed very calm, and firm throughout the time the police were searching house, his clothing, school bag. He screamed, abused, threw things, and cried. Then, when the handcuffs came off he Snapchat A pic of himself w police officer in background. Needless too say she went off at him! Incredible! Can't believe she didn't throw the book at him there and then! So, he has wagged school this afternoon. Spoken to his dad saying he had a session with the school psych today and he is feeling stressed and wants to have an adult conversation with us. Of course he wants it tomorrow. The cynic in me says that's because he wants to tick off tonight. Lucky weather here is awful today. Maybe he will stay put. I had nothing but verbal abuse from him yesterday so am not keen to interact at all today. hope I can survive the weekend. His mentor had surgery today and is out of action for a while. Firm, fair, calm...

Faob_1 · ‎07-24-2017

Well, just maybe, my friends have gotten through to son. son was actually pleasant after school today, ate at the dining table and has even asked to be woken extra early so he can work on a school project. He has agreed to go on an expedition in SA led by psychs and social workers next month, for 2 weeks. He had a few home truths laid out for him yesterday regarding respect; being a man and what that involves; working for what you have; treating family members with care and respect; drug addiction and violence. And the biggie, not being manipulated by kids who are doing him no favours & are leaving him to bear the brunt of the punishment. Our friend has kept in touch with son through the day today and will take on the role of friend/mentor. I am feeling utterly blessed to know these people and for the generous spirits they have. I am also feeling utterly blessed to have the amazing husband I have who responded so firmly when I had reached breaking point. It has been an exhausting 6 months, & i am under no delusions that it is all sorted. Far from it, but maybe, just maybe, we have turned a corner. Thankyou all here for the support. It has meant, and will continue to mean a great deal as we go through our counselling sessions. I actually was able to smile at work today!

Faob_1 · ‎07-23-2017

That's good news @Mumof3boys. Hoping for you that a corner has been turned with your son. We are not feeling so lucky atm. Son has stayed out all Friday and Saturday nights. Who knows where. We believe he has taken cash from husband's wallet and other cash from home, just silver coins. Tried to get cash from his sister but she didn't have any nor would she have given him any. He's come home to go play his regular hockey game today, then husband was driving straight to a friend's farm so friend could have a long talk with our son. Friend has lived on the street as a teen & lost family members to addiction and trying to intervene and get his sister clean. He has a life of real experience and just maybe he can get through as Mum & Dad can't. Still waiting on police to take the action they said they would. We are about to go into ,"you want it, you earn it" mode at home. Aiming for the ability to maintain my calm. Not aiming for much, haha 😂

Faob_1 · ‎07-22-2017

@Mumof3boys I was taking a few quiet moments for myself this morning and picked up the Dymocks bag that has been sitting in my room for a few weeks, so long I had forgotten what I had bought. Inside was an anthology called milk and honey by Rupi Kaur. I'm not hugely into poetry, I enjoy it, I read it for my profession, but I am useless at memorising lines etc. However, flicking through I came across this, and it resonated with me. It reaffirms that in wanting to right things, the choices my son is making, I need to also be able to live with myself. I am struggling with this notion as frankly I am at a point where I prefer my son is not in the house. I am sure the next counselling step will be along the lines of making effort to reconnect, but all I can ask myself is why? Why should I put myself through more pain? Anyway, here is the poem. you must want to spend the rest of your life with yourself first Wishing you a safe weekend.

Faob_1 · ‎07-22-2017

Hi @Mumof3boys I am in a very similar scenario to you with our 14, soon to be 15 your old son. He has broken every rule we have set, reasonable and maybe unreasonable. He has been verbally abusive for months, been expelled, and just yesterday his father found him bunking off from school with some kids, attempting to bong on in an abandoned old house in our street. This kid has had 2 police cautions in the past 5-6 weeks, and just doesn't get it. I got home from my work tonight to discover he had locked big sister out of the house as she refuses to drive him anywhere. She has recently got her P plates, and we have asked that she doesn't take passengers for a while on her own until she has had her new car for a few more weeks. So, in retaliation he ripped all the pictures and photos off her bedroom door and locked her out. I asked him quietly to unlock the door and let me in, and was greeted with him videoing me on his phone. He is 'trying to get something' on his parents. So so my suggestions to you are, stay as calm as you possibly can. Be firm, fair and friendly- not his BFF- but keep your tone pleasant. I have done this all week, with one moment when I raised my voice at his 2 year old like behaviour. My calm seems to have disarmed him somewhat. Although today I was called fat, lazy, F*ing this that and the other, and had batteries from a remote thrown across the room deliberately aimed at me because I don't have the house wifi code and my husband has restricted his access to son's phone. I am completely over him, but I am utterly resolved to stay firm and quiet. Doing so meant he did actually unload and stack the dishwasher in return for wifi later. However, he walked out at 8:00pm to go to a party. I have said if he is not home at 9:00pm, the house will be locked and there will be a sleeping bag outside for him and he can sleep there. He will not have access to the house later as I am not putting up with the abuse and more when he has come in at all hours. so, sorry for the long comment, but stay firm. Stay calm. Don't expect overnight miracles and him seeing your way or respecting your wishes. Do try to keep him occupied. I am probably failing in that regard at the moment, but I am struggling with my feelings towards my son. My next step is to leave a heap of pot related health info in his room. He seems to think that it is harmless! Good luck. Will be thinking of you.

Faob_1 · ‎07-20-2017

Thanks @AeroGirl. Son is a keen hockey player and has up to four sessions a week . T his old school he had gotten into orienteering and was selected to compete in some inter school state championship, and was right into the school running club, but then got himself expelled s that was the end of that. Hoping to get him back into some running or cycling, but his attitude to anything we suggest is pretty poor. He used to love going to climbing centres too. He is quite athletic. Spoke to the Corrective Services guy again today, and he was glad to hear we were staying firm and calm. He did warn us that son would likely try escalating things again to get a rise out of us to re establish what he sees as status quo. It ain't happening. I did yell tonight when he was insisting on hot spotting my phone in the car and I was trying to concentrate on a new route we were taking. He was told he could get out and walk to hhockey in the rain. He shut up! So early night. All quiet and hope he doesn't decide to walk out at 11:00pm again. I firmly told him if he does, he doesn't come back in. Sleeping bag is. There. That's the choice.

Date Registered	‎07-02-2017 06:43 PM
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About Faob_1

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