That is the most beautiful and helpful response. Thank you! And you are right in so many ways. I know these years are the tough eats years on kids, kids are trying to find themselves and that can come in all different ways. Some kids are really unhappy and insecure within themselves and take that out on other kids. There’s the pressures of alcohol, drugs etc and social media means you just can’t get away. We have started this year better, he has some older friends looking out for him and friends with a few girls. I have encouraged him as you said to try and give new people a chance, they might surprise him and I know in the next couple of years as they all grow and mature it will get easier. Thank you again for your insight ... View more

Thanks so much for your reply. I have offered to organise counselling for him, he isn’t interested and I know from experience with my daughter you can’t force them or they won’t engage. But it’s there when or if he’s open to it. The moving schools option is a last resort. Again I have been through similar issues with my daughter. I have offered first to move classes and then go from there. He is highly emotionally sensitive so I’m just trying to give him all the love and support at home and also find tools to give him to shut the boys down when they start on him. ... View more

Thanks , Yes she is a sensitive and very empathetic young person, but also highly spirited and fiesty and determined. Hard to parent some days, but those are some amazing qualities that I know will help make her an amazing adult that will succeed in anything she puts her mind to. The thing I am most proud about her this year is her personal growth, I hear it in the way she talks with me, setting out her goals for her future and reflecting on her past and the lessons she has learned. It is wonderful to listen to her talk about these things and she says everything she has been through is helping her become the person she is, which she is really starting to like, again so wonderful to hear her insight about herself. We do have a fantastic counselor that she has been seeing for the last 6 months. She had her last season this month and has a check in one next feb when school goes back and she is in place should my daughter need to see her. Her dean at school is AMAZING. I had a chat to her about where things are at with my daughter and the support we have put in place and she just said what can I do to help. She sees my daughter and gets her which is all I can ask for. The thing about counseling I read on this site - and it's so very very true - is you cannot force your child into going, they have to want to go willingly. We made our daughter go last year and she is super clever and just told the counselor what she wanted to hear so no progress was made, it seemed like a waste of time. Then my daughter was experiencing anxiety and sad days where she just didn't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone and just and just not in a great place, pushing boundaries not in a good way. We were quite worried about the path she was heading down. She opened up to her closest friend and that friend basically ended their friendship because she said it was toxic and she is all about happy positive things and my daughter was being negative and I dont think she had the emotional maturity or emotional intelligence to be there for my daughter in the way she needed so it was easier for her to just end the friendship not realising the damage it would do. This broke my daughters heart and damaged her a lot. I knew something was wrong but you can't force them to tell you. She did however realise she was in a quite dark place and asked to see a counselor. Her counselor has helped her understand these things and helped her learn a lot about herself to which I am so grateful. My daughter opened up so much to her this time round and wanted to understand what was going on with herself. I have worked with her counselor to put support in place for her at home to help her with her not great days, which are getting less and less now. She has reconnected with a friend this year at school and their friendship is healthy and fun, her friend supports her because she gets it and my daughter supports her friend who is going through some similar things, they support each other which I am so proud of, they are both wonderful young girls. They are moving away from the friends that bring them down and trying to build each other up and they are excited for school next year. It's been a big year! I know we still have a long way to go, we have had some really tough times this year, where you feel completely helpless as a parent but we have also had some huge emotional growth, both of us. I have learned to just listen. Not throw in my opinions as that just makes my daughter shut down. I have learned to just support her, pick my battles and trust we have put in the groundwork and she will make good decisions but if she stuffs up, its not the end of the world, we all stuff up. Just have to be their to help them back up and learn from it. By doing this, it has made our relationship stronger and she talks to me about most things, because she knows I won't flip out, I try to just listen and be understanding. For me it's about helping her make good decisions for herself, not making those decisions for her, taking away her choices, if I did that she would completely rebel and shut down. I am constantly learning myself how to parent her, the way that works best to bring out the best in her and build her up. That's our journey so far. We are in a good place at the moment and have things in place should we need them. I am so grateful for the support and advice on this page and the support my closest friends have given me. I hope this post helps other parents going through similar things with their child. ... View more

Wow what a difference 6 months and some counseling makes! We were in not a great place in the beginning if the year. It took a a massive let down from my daughter's closest friend to make my daughter ask for counseling. And it has made the hugest difference in her learning about herself, understanding herself. So much positives and lessons to tell about our journey over the last 8 months. ... View more

Hi there @Natalie , Anxiety is a tough one, I can speak through experience. How old are all of the children and can you explain a bit more about how you are feeling? ... View more

@Jay-RO Thanks for those, I will give them a read:) It was her old friends that she heard were saying things. She has confronted them about it but they are denying it. We had big talks after our fight and hugs and I actually sent her a message telling her how much I loved her and was proud of her and I think she appreciated that. Just letting her know I'm always there for her no matter what. I have suggested if she is wanting to leave her friends to try and do it in a civil amicable way to try and avoid any conflict. Also explained sometimes we outgrow certain people and it's ok to move on and to try and surround herself with people that make her feel good about herself. It's a tough age huh, all I can do is keep listening. ... View more

Ok so the start of school hasn't started so well. We are only in the first week of school and huge fight with my daughter today. She is having major friendship dramas and schools only just started. My daughter has expressed that she wants to leave her friend group, that they make her feel crap about herself, her self esteem is at its lowest and its breaking my heart. She called herself fat and ugly tonight in tears. Its heartbreaking as no matter what I say she says that's just how she feels. She has started hanging out with new people, I'm not sure about them, but she says they are less drama and shes trying to leave her old friend group. The old friends have turned a bit nasty and are spreading rumors about her, giving her nasty looks at school and I can tell its hurting her, she just wants to be away from them. They have excluded her most of the holidays and yet give her grief when she hangs out with other people and get moody when she doesn't drop everything when they want to do something. There is constant drama in the friend group, its toxic in my opinion. Always someone on the outs and the main people turn on them. They all talk rubbish about each other and there is no loyalty or genuine sense of friendship there, I think they prefer tearing each other down over building each other up. I am really concerned at the moment and she is making some poor decisions and starting to lie. She is starting to push the boundaries again. I'm not sure what to do...how best to handle this. Im trying to just listen but I really think she needs to talk to someone. We have a counselor but she said she wont open up about her friends to her. Any suggestions? We just want the best for her and for her to be surrounded by people that make her feel good about herself. I'm worried if we are too strict she will rebel more and if we aren't strict enough she will go off the rails. Some days it's really tough parenting a strong willed teen. ... View more

@Taylor-RO Yes it is exhausting. She moved class last year so I dont want her to think she can move whenever it suits. It's a hard one. I will chat to her teacher about it and see what they recommend and go from there. ... View more

Thanks Jess1-RO I would be happy to contribute:) Alas I feel we are in for a bumpy few weeks as school starts due to friend dramas....again. fallen out with her friend and wants to move to a different class. I'm a tab bit over the friend dramas to be honest and exhausted by it. ... View more

@Ginger9708 Thanks for your message and thanks for asking. Things are actually going really well. My daughter had a pretty good end of her year academically and is much happier and settled in her new class, which transfers over to home. She still has friendship struggles and conflicts but I am trying to still just listen and only give advice if she asks, learning how to manage her friendships is something she has to do herself and she learns valuable lessons along the way. It seems at this age there are a lot of dramas especially with girls. 😭 She is going to do counseling which I hope helps. We still have the odd outburst and pushing boundaries but on a whole she is a lot more calm and we have gotten a lot closer and our trust in each other is something we both value very much. It's been a difficult journey over the last 18 months, moving schools etc And I'm sure we will have more hurdles to overcome over the next few years, but it was a decision we do not regret. She is a lot stronger and more resilient because if everything she has been through. I feel for you and your daughter as it's hard to see your child hurting at the actions of others. For us moving her to a bigger school allowed her to choose her own friends and if they did have conflicts she could just go hang with other friends, her old school was very small so she had no where to go which was the main cause of how isolated she felt. Please let me know how you get on with your daughter and if there is any way I can help. ... View more

@Lan-RO I am so grateful for this page and the wonderful advice and support that is here. Yes it's great when they are happy and settled, I think it allows you as a parent to just take a moment to breath. We have actually had a great week which has been so lovely. Lots of talking, listening on my part. I absolutely think the class move to be with her peers has been one of the most positive things we have done. Shes happy so she is learning. I think the friendship conflicts will continue and those are her lessons to learn and I just have to try and be here and listen and support. Hopefully she will give counseling a go and gain some tools to help her. ... View more

And then you get those lovely days which we are having at the moment, where they are happy and settled and gorgeous and engaging...and I am reminded of all the things I love about my daughter. ♥️ I find I dont have conversations with the parents who seem to be breezing through the teens as their advice is usually not applicable to my daughter and I honestly feel a bit judged. I do how ever talk with friends who keep it real and tell it like it is about their kids and struggles, I've found we are not alone in our teen struggles and it's great to listen and be able to offload with like minded people going through the same struggles......its helped a lot, so as they say, find your tribe as you will help each other get through these challenging years. ... View more

Thank you for your reply. I totally agree re boundaries and social media. It's such a different time to when we grew up, I can only imagine the pressures social media puts on our kids today. In regards to talking with my daughter, its actually quite difficult to have a conversation with her at the moment without her yelling at me and telling me to get out of her room. She can be quite disrespectful and Its impacting the whole family and I am struggling a lot. I have struggled with anxiety and depression most of this yr, so some days I just do not have anything left to have those battles, it completely exhausts me emotionally. Sometimes I will just message her what I want to say because then she wont get defensive and yell and scream at me because I'm not telling her what she wants to hear, I hope she reads what I say and hopefully takes it in and thinks on it. After the struggles she went through last year and self harming I think we walked on egg shells around her and were not as firm with boundaries and consequences as we would normally have been because we feared that she would self harm again...I think that's where I feel we probably went wrong and her behaviour is partly a result of this. I agree re other parents, you are right, we only hear the highlights and I'm sure every parent has their struggles but I do see most of my friends daughters the same age doing ok and genuinely nice kids and they have great relationships and spend time together, our daughter is mostly a good person but she has changed so much over this last year and doesnt want to spend any time with us and makes any trips we go on extremely difficult because we have taken her away from her friends. I try to stop myself comparing but it is hard sometimes. ... View more

I thought I would touch base and update and seek advice. Things in general are going ok with our daughter. After talks with school and our daughter we allowed her to move class to be with her peers. We weighed everything up and all agreed that she would keep continuing on fighting us all to be moved and possibly sabotaging her education to get moved so we agreed upon a trial period to see how she went. There were strict conditions on her move and it's been a few months now and we can say at this stage it was the right move. She is happier, more engaged in school and achieving better. She's enjoying being with her friends and actually is happy to go to school and really likes her class. Teachers have had positive things to say which is great. We are still having our boundary struggles....she pushes like no other kid I know, I feel emotionally exhausted most days to be honest and feel like the worst parent. I constantly feel like I have failed her as a parent....especially when you hear other parents speak of how wonderful their teens are and seem to be breezing through the teen years easily. I ask myself where have I gone wrong in my parenting. Her emotions are all over the place, and I know these years are very difficult for teens emotionally. She has expressed she feels depressed and asked to see our Dr, I took her and she has been referred to a counsellor but I'm not sure how successful it will be. If you don't say what she wants to hear, she disengages and find fault. I think she was expecting medication or a quick fix. Her friends seem to have constant dramas going on which I think plays a part in her emotions. But what can you do? You can't pick their friends for them. I try to just listen and not give opinions on her friends, there just always seems to be some kind of drama going on within her friend group. Some days she is such a wonderful person and makes me so proud but other times I find myself really not liking being around her much as she is able to upset and hurt me like no other...and I find I then feel emotionally exhausted. I've always been pretty proud of her decisions online, she has never posted inappropriate photos, but lately she again has been trying to push the boundaries on instagram. She asked for approval to post a pic which I respect that she actually asked me. I thought the pic was not appropriate and said that I didn't agree with her posting it and tried to explain why, she flipped out, blocked me and posted it anyhow. Teens seem to have more than 1 account and although she didn't post it to her main account she still posted it on her other account with fewer followers against my wishes....I'm so incredibly disappointed and not sure how I should respond. I'm quite embarrassed she posted it. She's aware of my feelings but doesn't seem to care, shes even said she doesn't care about my opinion and will do what she likes and she did. This is the first time she has blatantly gone against me and I'm quite hurt. She is in such a hurry to grow up it scares me. She seems to have lost some of the self respect I really admired in her...it breaks my heart and the next few years really worry me. I know I need to stay strong for her as even though she protests, she needs boundaries. I find myself not talking about my struggles with friends because I just don't want their judgement and I find they have a lack of understanding how challenging and exhausting it is to parent an incredibly strong willed teen. Am I overreacting? Any advice? Do I need to be harder on her or will that just make her rebel more? I feel like I'm floundering most of the time. ... View more

@taokat Thanks again for your message of support. Things are still going ok. Our daughter is still not a fan of school but goes every day. Grades are still all over the place and she does the bare minimum that she has to. Is very frustrating because I know she is capable of much more but if I try and talk about putting more effort in to her school work she flips out and gets incredibly defensive. I try and avoid this battle. Her friends group still seems to be full of rediculous drama....something new every week. They dont seem to support each other very much which my daughter is starting to notice more and it's frustrating her. I try my hardest to not voice any opinions on her friends as she will immediately jump in to defend them....just trying to listen when she talks and support her....I have been talking about how good friends build you up, not tear you down and good friends support you and you support them, if you argue you talk about it, apologise if needed and move on. I just want her to surround herself with people that get her, love her for who she is and celebrate each others achievements and successes...its a tough age for them. Friendships and choosing the right friends will be a challenging journey for her I think but I think even in just the last year she has learned a lot about friendships and she is starting to realise what qualities are important to her in a friend and she is learning to be a better friend. She has decided to not go to counseling any more. We have left this decision up to her as we cant force her to go or she will dig her heels in. She has said shes not gaining anything from it and doesn't like talking about her problems and adults dont give good advice....ha! I'm thinking she is putting up her defensive walls because shes not hearing what she wants to hear. I dont think shes open to hearing advice and solutions at the moment...but hopefully she may come back to it when shes ready. Some days I am so proud of some of the insights she has regarding life and friendships and then some days I ask where the heck did I go wrong😂 I am incredibly lucky to have such an incredibly supportive group of friends around me. How are things going with your daughter? ... View more

@taokat So sorry it has taken me so long to reply. The last 6 months have been up and down:) Our daughter seems to have settled in at school, she doesn't like school but she goes and has found some subjects she is really enjoying. She still wants to be with her friends but seeing as she cannot she has settled and made some friendships with people in her class which is great. Her grades are all over the place but she assures us she is trying and we can see this in the classes she likes. Her reports are not amazing but they are not worrying either. I think she is doing the bare minimum she has to and is doing ok, if she actually studied and tried she would be doing even better. She has agreed to get help with her anxiety and is seeing someone each week. I think it is helping. She is taking away some insightful information and even though she protests about going she goes every week and she knows it is her choice. I am really proud of her for making this decision to go. I have learnt to not push her for information about her sessions. If she wants to talk about them she will and if she doesn't thats ok too. Some weeks she will talk to me about her session and other weeks she says nothing. She still is struggling with friendships. She can be confrontational and defensive and it can cause trouble/arguments in her friend group....also social media! wow! there is no hiding on there is there, kids today seem to screen shot your message and send it on. She is learning to filter what she says a bit but sometimes she speaks before the thinks and this can cause dramas, but to be honest there seems to always be dramas in this age group and this friend group.  I have learn't to step back a lot this year and allow her to manage herself and her school work and friendships. This has been pretty hard to do but has worked out really well and our relationship is stronger. I have been listening more and just stepping back and giving her some of the independence she craves. I let her know I do this because I trust her and trust the decisions she makes and she has been pretty honest about things and will ask us rather than go behind our backs. I think its very important to give an independent child independence but still have those boundaries...it's a hard balance to find. We have to just trust we have given her the right tools and she will make the right decisions and if she makes a mistake we will always be there to help and support her. We hardly fight these days which is great. I see my daughter as such a kind and smart and gorgeous person and it pains me that she struggles still with friendships and girls can be so immature and nasty at this age and like the drama. We have shared a few tears over friendships this week. I am not sure that her friends are the right friends for her, there always seems to be one of the group that is on the outs. When my daughter stuffs up by saying something she shouldnt have she is turned on by the girls but its ok for them to say nasty stuff about her. It breaks my heart and you want to step in but these are her lessons to learn about friendships and how to manage them. I have learned that when you guys say make sure you look after yourself - you need to do this! I have had anxiety issues this year that I have never experienced before. It's knocked me down big time but I have been making sure I get the right help and do the things I need to do to keep strong. I hope all is well with you taokat. ... View more

Thanks for all of the advice and support. I will update in a few weeks. ... View more

@taokat & @Breez-RO Thanks for the support. I will update in a couple of weeks. ... View more

@taokat Thank you so much for the support. I really appreciate it. Breez-RO has reached out. :) ... View more

@Breez-RO I would really appreciate that. ... View more

@taokat Is there any way that you may be able to give me some support via email etc and not on public forum? I feel I'm going to have a few rough weeks ahead and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope. ... View more

Thanks for your feedback and support. You nailed it. It is very difficult to see the changes in my daughter over the last year and I struggle to separate what is "normal" teenage behaviour and what is "something else" she has changed so much since this happened. She has lost her confidence and her drive to succeed at everything and give everything a go. They couldn't control her so they ostracised her very subtly and tore her down. I'm trying to build her back up and she is getting there but it sometimes comes across as arrogance as well which I think is a protective mechanism. I find my self over annalising things and always asking myself is she ok. I'm finding I'm completely overwhelmed and anxious by it some days which isn't great. The constant flip flop in moods and snapping at me is exhausting and it gets to the point we can't even have a conversation with her about it as she just gets so defensive and storms off and tells us to leave her alone. Then she will be 're most gorgeous loving amazing girl. My biggest concern is this anger and hatred she is holding on to for what she feels they have done to her and trying to get her to want to go to talk to someone. ... View more

@Zoesplace Thanks. She adores her new close friends she's made since moving. She just has so much anger for the girls who treated her so badly. I think she's angry because she has been through so much emotionally and they won't even acknowledge any wrong doing;( I understand her feelings. They did so much damage:( It's my job now to try and help her get past this. We have great options available to us but she has to agree. There lies the battle:( We will keep working on it. I know we can't force it. She has to agree but she needs this and I just know it would help her so much. ... View more

@taokat Update....Very up and down last 2 weeks. Our daughter is fine one minute then lashing out the next. She is having trouble with girls from previous school again....but it from.both sides. She is accusing them of being nasty but she is also being nasty to them but playing it as she is the only victim. Both sides are denying any wrong doing and blaming the other side. Its exhausting. We really think she needs to talk to someone to try and help her move past this but she flat out refuses. How do we get her to talk to someone? I am at my limit emotionally.:( We love our daughter but we are just so lost in how to help her. She creates drama, flips out at us. Gives us half truths about her role in the conflict. Finding it hard when she won't meet us half way. ... View more

@taokat Thank you so much. Everything you said was just what I needed to hear. I wish you and your daughter all the best with tafe.. Please keep me posted on how she goes. I can understand how nervous you both must be but Its great your daughter has that excitement too.You are an amazing supportive mum and I'm sure she will thrive there. I totally agree with everything you said. I can only imagine all the things she must have been thinking about on the first day. My main task was to just listen to her pour out all of her worries and frustrations and let her know I understood....this approach helped avoid any arguments and I think things are settling a bit as it sinks in and she thinks about it. I know I cant fix everything for her and she needs to learn to adapt to new situations but I did make sure the girls from her old school were not in her class so that she could just focus on her learning and not have to be distracted by them. She is surrounded by a really great bunch of friends going in which is a relief and I just hope she embraces everything college has to offer and widens her friend group even more. The school are going to check in with us in 2 weeks time to see how things are progressing and we can go from there. Will keep you posted and thank you again for your support and advice. ... View more

@taokat Ok so we had the first day at college. Did not go well at all. She was in a terrible mood in the morning which I understand because she was nervous. she is really unhappy. All of her friends got put in the same class as a friend but she is in a higher academic class so knew no one and is of the opinion she does not want to get to know anyone. She s got it in her head she just wants to move down academically so she can be in the same class as a friend. So upsetting. And so upsetting to see her so upset. I really don't know what to do. I know her academics need to come first but what about her social well being? I am so worried we will go backwards with the great progress we have made already:( ... View more

@taokat & @Breez-RO Thanks for the support and advice. I think we are all on the same page 're education. We dont want her to compromise her education for her friends. It's been about finding the right way to talk about it with her. She is like a little volcano that explodes, says or should I say yells her opinion, then calms down and thinks about things. We had some much calmer talks yesterday. I think starting college is both worrying her and exciting for her, but more the worry side at the moment. What I found is working at the moment is to step back and try and listen to her point of view so she feels heard and validated without jumping in too quickly with my own opinion, which is helping to avoid arguments. She is worried about a lot of things starting college and I understand that so my solution to her was to offer to make an appointment with the person at college that is in charge of transitioning yr 9s into college to see what support and advice she can offer. Im hoping talking to this person will help put her mind at ease in a few areas. In regards to Dad. He is getting better but they are so similar which is why they clash sometimes. The thing I love about him though is that he he always tries to read up and educate himself on how better to handle certain situations with a teenage girl. It can be a bit of an emotional roller coaster at times and we have to try and remember we are not the only ones going through it. Many of our friends are in the same boat even if it's not visible from the outside. In general though things are going ok. She is still rude and backchatty, but she is also gorgeous and intelligent and funny and I just love those moments when she choses to engage and confide in me....like you say I just have to remember how far we have come in the last 6 months. She was completely disengaged and unhappy with School, sports, friends and life in general and now we feel like we are starting to get our girl back a bit more. The damage the girls from her old school did is still there. I can see it in her confidence but we are making progress. I will check in after the first week of school. Thanks again for all of the support ... View more

Hi Sorry I haven't replied sooner....I have had trouble signing in. Hopefully sorted now. Things have been going ok with our daughter. She finished the school year with a great report. Seems to have made some good friends. Holidays have been great although she doesn't want to spend time with her family, more her friends. We went away and she got very upset because she saw her friends were all hanging out without her. It's very frustrating as parents but I am also trying to understand that she is wanting to spend less time with us and is gravitating more towards friends. Her relationship with her dad is still very argumentative and firey which is upsetting for him and upsetting for me also as I can see both sides and they are so similar. She is about to start college which I know she is worried about. She is desperate to be in the same class as her friends and I have requested it but unfortunately she is in a higher level class so they are unable to help. Now she is wanting to drop down academically to be in the same level as her friends....We have just had a big argument about it with her as we don't want her education compromised. We can understand she is really nervous about starting college especially with girls from her old school going to be there. I have requested they not be in the same class. Any advise on how to handle this? ... View more