16 And pregnant

[joanne]

Hi I'm new to this,& in a way I suppose I'm looking for advice, here goes im s mum of 6 4girls,2boys, 23,18,16,13,8,5 my 16 year old Daughter recently ran away from home,to be with a boy she hardly she adventually came back,but then I took matters into punishments for her behaviour me& her father both work so it was hard to keep her at home,but then she ran away for the 2nd time (apparently we don't understand her relationship after 3 months)the boy she seeing is 17 he has a number of issues PTSD (reason Unknown) Depression & anxiety & Anger issues,.Hes a gothic/Emo and it into music about bands/suicide 1st meeting with us talked about his relation to devil worshipping/witchcraft...Anyways our daughter came back Pregnant by him, even though we had plans on her uni & becoming a vet,in September 16 so u could imagining my horror,my Daughter is not mentally mature and hates,kids!!!her and her boyfriend admitted trying for this baby after only 3 months together he does not,work has no money coming in he lies in bed all day everyday, iv spoken to his parents who's attitude about the whole thing was to swear and put the phone down on me, I don't no what to do she wants to keep the baby& live at home iv explained I cannot financially support another baby any advice would be great.! from a very stressed out mother...

[Mitzi]

Hi @joanne - gosh you have so much to deal with right now! No wonder you feel stressed. From what you've written, it sounds like communicating has been difficult "you don't understand".  There's an article here which could help with that.

Secondly, has your daughter seen a doctor about the pregnancy? Do you have a local public hospital where you both could get some practical advice? I realise this could be difficult to make time for with looking after your large family and working as well. But I think it's really important.

I was also wondering if she has a good relationship with her elder siblings - could they help explain the realities of this situation?

I left home at 15 - I knew what was best for me! (not!) and 18 found myself pregnant and alone. I was selfish and stupid but had to learn everything the hard way. Even so I felt very attached to the growing baby and thought I would work everything out. Fate took a hand and a burst appendix meant the pregnancy was no longer viable.

This must be so difficult for you - it must seem like any decision you make is going to cause pain and sacrifice. Please try and get her to see a medical professional as the first step.

[tenacious_dad]

Hi @joanne ... i can definitely understand why you would be so stressed out! It sounds like there are a lot of negatives surrounding the situation with expectations not being met, "running away", a satanist BF, and now the pregnancy! Oh my!  My impression is that you have tried and failed to fix this by going into solution mode... you know what is best given your experience and then have prescribed the solution... only this has aroused "it's my life and I'll do what I want!" response. 

As @Mitzi pointed out communication is very important, but to have meaningful or effective communication is key. Please have a look at this video that has some really good tips on effective communication. You obviously care very much about your daughter and only want what's best. If you use this care to show your love and empathy whilst communicating it can only be a good thing. Acceptance of the situation too without putting any judgement on your daughter or her choices... i know that would definitly be difficult... a satanist BF is not what you had in mind I'm guessing!?

Last bit of advice... don't give any ultimatums, don't let this be the "thing" that could pull your family apart. Try to work it so that you can all look back and say we got through that TOGETHER. Good luck!  And please, if it helps, let us know how you are going. You are doing a fantastic job by caring so much and are very brave in talking about it. Thank you for sharing! 

[Sophie-RO]

Hey @joanne - like the others have said it's totally understandable that you are really stressed right now - so much on your plate, we're so glad you found us. We're here to support you.

Just wondering how you got on talking to your daughter? Hopefully the info shared by the others guys about communication were helpful, but do let us know.

[joanne]

Hi thanks everyone who,replied just to update further,we went to see a Doctor and talk about the pregnancy I voiced my concerns in front of my Daughter about her maturity & the worrying sides of things hope she will cope mentally & physically. she's been saying she feels suicidal and self harming,& I mentioned to the Doctor that I was worried when the baby is here that she might harm herself or the baby,as she had said a few things that worry me ect "if the little c*** Crys il the time il kill it"," if I have a boy I'm swapping it for a girl" The doctor basically kicked me out the room asking me to leave to talk
to my Daughter Alone under the patients confidentiality act,it's like I Don't even have any say in the Matter I no my Daughter& I no that she is not mature enough to for a baby,she's very childlike she's a 13 year old in a women's body nobody in the medical profession are taking me serious,iv spoken to my Daughter about this and the fact bringing up a baby is so hard work physically draining,but all
she sees is the attention she's getting from Doctors her friends from school,fussing around her and she's loving it.shes still containing to stay out all day& getting back home at 1am in the morning,& when iv asked her where she's been I'm told to mind my own buisness.communication with her older sister has vanished she's moved out & staying with her boyfriend she will not be around her(they share a room)at the moment my eldest daughter is refusing to speak to me,only communication is via her boyfriend,it feels like I'm going nowhere with this.

[joanne]

Hi thanks for replying just an update on what's happening at the moment,iv taken my daughter to the doctors and explained that's I'm worried about her mental health state of mind,she's been saying she feels suicidal and self harming and that when the baby does arrive & it Crys she will "kill the little c***" & if it's a boy she's taking it back swapping it for a girls she's very imature and childish I told the doctor all this and told him she is not mentally prepared for a baby,he told me to leave the room to talk to my daughter alone patient confidentality and basically asked me to leave the room,my daughter came out and didn't say anything about what he said I don't no what else to do my elder daughter has moved out as she can't bare to be in the room as her(they share) and will not speak to me iv told her I cannot tell her sister what to do just advise her,she's still staying out all day and not returning till 1am in the morning if I ask her where's she's been I'm told to mind my own buisness.

[Kas-RO]

Hi @joanne - 

I'm hearing a lot of concern and worry for your daughter's situation right now. I can only imagine how exhausting it must be for you to be trying to navigate what is an extremely complex and personal issue. I'm so glad you came here and that you're getting some extra support. We're here for you, and for your daughter.

It must be really scary to be facing the reality that your daughter, who is so young, is now charging head-long into adulthood in the hardest way possible. The reality right now is that her doctor is correct: at 16, all decisions regarding her medical care are hers alone, and legally she gets to decide what information you get and when you get it. That's a really wonderful thing to protect her privacy - but I totally understand how anxious you must feel to be excluded from a conversation and a decision that also has an impact on your life.

I'm wondering a few things right now, because this is a really complicated issue:

1. Does your daughter have any support, like a counsellor, for her suicidal feelings and urges to self-harm? Do you know if she has hurt herself, or does so regularly?
2. It sounds like you're really struggling to communicate with her. Have you looked into strategies you could try to help improve communication with both her and her sister?
3. What is her relationship with the baby's father like? Are they still together, and is that relationship steady?

Take your time with all this. What you and your daughter are dealing with is huge and stressful for anybody, and it's so normal to feel overwhelmed, anxious and depressed. Hopefully over time we can find some strategies that see the two of you facing this as a team and supporting each other.

[joanne]

Thanks for replying,at the moment my Daughter had harmed herself on her arms and legs the father isn't in the picture he's done this before,getting another girl pregnant last year his parents knew but didn't bother telling my Daughter his parents aren't bothered about,our situation and really don't care I asked them if we could possibly all get together and talk about what's would happen ect,ect but they wouldn't it's really hard at the moment,I'm still unsure what do everyone thinks because iv done it before with my own I can do it again but,no one is even asking me how I feel about it.

[Ben-RO]

Hey @joanne just reading through this thread i can see how tough this situation is for you and your daughter and how hard you're working to find some solutions and a way forward. I just want to take a moment to recognise how amazing you are for your commitment and strength in the face of this! Go you!

I want to talk to you a little bit about support, what sort of support have you got to help you through this situation? There's two kinds of support, formal and informal. Formal is things like services, informal is pretty much everything else! Is there anything we can do to help you find some more options for support?

I also want to offer some support to your daughter. If she want's to, she's always welcome to share her story with us over on our community for teenagers. There's no issue too big or small for us to be able to offer some support through.

[Sophie-RO]

Hey again @joanne - I agree with Ben, you need to look after yourself in this situation. You obviously want the best and are working hard, but if you are running yourself down you aren't going to be a help to anyone. It can take a lot of energy to approach the situation without judgement, figuring out the right questions to ask and taking the time to listen (even though you want to  jump in there are fix it all for her - you can't)..

I thought it might be worth watching this vid we made. It explains a lot about whats going on in your daughters brain at this age and it explains a lot about why her decisions are not making sense to you right now.

But at the same time, keeping the lines of communication open between you and your daughter is crucial! This video will help you get most out of the chats you have with her:

Underneath it all, you need to look after yourself first and foremost, even if it's just so that you can look after others! I wondering if you might want to talk to Parentline yourself, and talk to a counsellor to make a plan about how to best communicate with & support your daughter and how to look after yourself in that process.