19 year old son is rude and hurtful to me, but only me!

[Deezzee]

Hi everyone

I've not posted before but was hoping someone would be able to give me some advice concerning my 19 year old son.

I'm a married, 51-year-old woman with an only child of 19 (nearly).  I was unable to have children due to early menopause but through IVF I had a beautiful baby boy.  I have loved him with all my heart and that will never change but something has gone wrong over the last few years.

My boy is fantastic in so many ways, he has worked since he was 16, doesn't smoke and drinks only moderately.  He saves money, he takes care of his girlfriend who I know he loves a lot and is very good at being responsible, however, when it comes to me he is hard work... he is rude, disrespectful, sullen and impatient with me.  He makes me feel that everything I do or say is wrong or stupid and it really is getting me down.  We argue whenever we speak almost, I just don't know what to do to make things better.  He has no empathy towards me and I find it very difficult to come to terms with how I raised him, surrounded by doting parents to this disdain.  

I'm pretty tolerant, I don't ask much of him as he works really hard, he pays me 25.00 a week for his keep and he is fine with everyone else although he can be impatient with them and judgemental at times.

I am hard of hearing, and work has been a bit hit and miss lately and this annoys him and will often say things like, ''well you're at home all day so you do it' or 'why should I do it when you're at home all day' and stuff like that.  His dad works hard too, and they don't see much of each other but that's just how things are.  He has a new girl who we have just found out is pregnant, we took it well when they told us although I got in trouble for being happy about it and posting it on my facebook page, oops, (i did apologise). 

I just want a good relationship with my son and to stop being so irritating to him so that we can get along better.

Anyone have any advice?

[Breez-RO]

Hey there @Deezzee,

Thanks so much for posting, I am sorry to hear about your son's lack of respect towards you. I am touched that you can still focus on his strengths even whilst his attitude towards yourself and others is sub-par.

You mentioned that you're "pretty tolerant" and that you are struggling with how you raised him. Is your concern that you feel like he is taking your loving nature for granted and testing boundaries? Do you have a fear around implementing further boundaries? It is definitely not unusual for young people of this age to test boundaries however more than ever with a child on the way I imagine he will need the family's support. But respect is definitely a two-way street, and there's certainly no need for you to continue tolerating ongoing disrespect. He is after all an adult now. I am going to tag some other members to see if they have any suggestions in terms of strategies

We are all here to listen 

@taokat @sunflowermom @hippychick @Caz01 @Orbit64

[Caz01]

Hi @Deezzee it sounds like you have raised a hard working young man .My boys were often disrespectful when they were younger due to my boundaries not being defined enough. They are now 25 & 21 and seem to have grown up and grown out of it. My daughter 17 who has anxiety often puts me down and calls me deaf when I can't hear her so I can empathise. Teenagers have a lot happening with hormones, self esteem issues etc. They often lash out at the ones closed to them. Also the male brain doesn't fully develop until they are around 30 I think. Can you try telling him that he needs to be more respectful to you and his words often hurt you? And meanwhile start setting some boundaries slowly of what you will put up with, that's what I'm trying to do. All the best.
Ps mods please note I'm going off this site as my name is identifiable but coming back as someone else . Thanks

[Breez-RO]

Hi @Caz01 thanks for letting us know and we're very glad you will still be connecting with us, albeit under a different username  

[Deezzee]

Thank you for your kind support and advice

He IS a great kid/young man and I admire his strengths enormously it is just his intolerance that I find hard to accept.  I am finding it hard to equate how I raised him with this person who is rude and disrespectful and feel that I have somehow gone wrong somewhere.

Is it normal not to have empathy at his age?  If I am unwell or upset it seems he dislikes me even more whereas (and I say this with no jealousy at all) he is kind and caring towards his girlfriend and dotes on her every whim... Any ideas on that?

Sorry to be so needy

[Tulip]

Hi @Deezee I'm not excusing your sons behaviour but I feel he is cutting the apron strings and finding his way in the world. His girlfriend being pregnant would certainly be stressing him and he would be trying to work out where he will live and support his family. I feel he is trying to create some distance from you. Give him some space and concentrate on your own relationship, he will seek out your company when he is ready x

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @Deezzee, there could be a whole number of reasons that your son could be displaying this behaviour. Is it an option to chat to him about it? I was going to add that he could be irritated, he could be stressed or he might treat his girlfriend the same way in private. It is a very different relationship dynamic and is difficult to compare or decipher on your own, which led me to wondering if it is a conversation that could be had.

Regardless of the underlying cause, it must be very upsetting for you to not feel supported by your son. It also seems to conflict with how you have raised him which can be a really confusing and sinking feeling to have. How do you manage all of these feelings?

[Deezzee]

Thank you so much for replying, your very kind.  As for my situation, my boy has since moved out and in with his pregnant girlfriend, which although I am not overly thrilled with, they seem very happy.  I can't really complain I guess, they have done it all themselves and now rent a nice flat, and enjoying the prospect of becoming parents so although disappointed they didn't wait a while and be happy go lucky teens, I can respect their choice in the matter and be as supportive as I can or allowed to be.

My relationship with my teen has improved a little since his departure so I am grateful for that and I am hoping that things will improve further.

Is it wrong to feel a little jealous of his relationship with his girlfriends family, which is friendly and he is much more tolerant and forgiving?  where he would see my advice as interfering he see's her mother as helpful! I find it difficult sometimes and feel a bit betrayed by him.....Maybe I'm just being ridiculous and stupid!

You seem to be a woman with a good heart and plenty of common sense lol, do you think it is it normal to feel this way?

[Deezzee]

Great advice and I think I agree with you.  I will do what you say and see what happens.

Thanks again

[Deezzee]

LOL thanks for that, not often asks me that question.  To answer though, I take antidepressants and drink the odd glass of wine