06-07-2018 07:42 AM
I've not posted before but was hoping someone would be able to give me some advice concerning my 19 year old son.
I'm a married, 51-year-old woman with an only child of 19 (nearly). I was unable to have children due to early menopause but through IVF I had a beautiful baby boy. I have loved him with all my heart and that will never change but something has gone wrong over the last few years.
My boy is fantastic in so many ways, he has worked since he was 16, doesn't smoke and drinks only moderately. He saves money, he takes care of his girlfriend who I know he loves a lot and is very good at being responsible, however, when it comes to me he is hard work... he is rude, disrespectful, sullen and impatient with me. He makes me feel that everything I do or say is wrong or stupid and it really is getting me down. We argue whenever we speak almost, I just don't know what to do to make things better. He has no empathy towards me and I find it very difficult to come to terms with how I raised him, surrounded by doting parents to this disdain.
I'm pretty tolerant, I don't ask much of him as he works really hard, he pays me 25.00 a week for his keep and he is fine with everyone else although he can be impatient with them and judgemental at times.
I am hard of hearing, and work has been a bit hit and miss lately and this annoys him and will often say things like, ''well you're at home all day so you do it' or 'why should I do it when you're at home all day' and stuff like that. His dad works hard too, and they don't see much of each other but that's just how things are. He has a new girl who we have just found out is pregnant, we took it well when they told us although I got in trouble for being happy about it and posting it on my facebook page, oops, (i did apologise).
I just want a good relationship with my son and to stop being so irritating to him so that we can get along better.
Anyone have any advice?
06-07-2018 10:06 AM - edited 06-07-2018 10:06 AM
Hey there @Deezzee,
Thanks so much for posting, I am sorry to hear about your son's lack of respect towards you. I am touched that you can still focus on his strengths even whilst his attitude towards yourself and others is sub-par.
You mentioned that you're "pretty tolerant" and that you are struggling with how you raised him. Is your concern that you feel like he is taking your loving nature for granted and testing boundaries? Do you have a fear around implementing further boundaries? It is definitely not unusual for young people of this age to test boundaries however more than ever with a child on the way I imagine he will need the family's support. But respect is definitely a two-way street, and there's certainly no need for you to continue tolerating ongoing disrespect. He is after all an adult now. I am going to tag some other members to see if they have any suggestions in terms of strategies
We are all here to listen
06-07-2018 01:20 PM
06-07-2018 07:55 PM
Thank you for your kind support and advice
He IS a great kid/young man and I admire his strengths enormously it is just his intolerance that I find hard to accept. I am finding it hard to equate how I raised him with this person who is rude and disrespectful and feel that I have somehow gone wrong somewhere.
Is it normal not to have empathy at his age? If I am unwell or upset it seems he dislikes me even more whereas (and I say this with no jealousy at all) he is kind and caring towards his girlfriend and dotes on her every whim... Any ideas on that?
Sorry to be so needy
06-07-2018 09:26 PM
06-07-2018 09:51 PM
07-26-2018 08:31 AM
Thank you so much for replying, your very kind. As for my situation, my boy has since moved out and in with his pregnant girlfriend, which although I am not overly thrilled with, they seem very happy. I can't really complain I guess, they have done it all themselves and now rent a nice flat, and enjoying the prospect of becoming parents so although disappointed they didn't wait a while and be happy go lucky teens, I can respect their choice in the matter and be as supportive as I can or allowed to be.
My relationship with my teen has improved a little since his departure so I am grateful for that and I am hoping that things will improve further.
Is it wrong to feel a little jealous of his relationship with his girlfriends family, which is friendly and he is much more tolerant and forgiving? where he would see my advice as interfering he see's her mother as helpful! I find it difficult sometimes and feel a bit betrayed by him.....Maybe I'm just being ridiculous and stupid!
You seem to be a woman with a good heart and plenty of common sense lol, do you think it is it normal to feel this way?
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