HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sandee]

Hello Sunshine72

Just wanted to check in and see how you are going?

I hope your ok x

I’m away for the week to be with family following the passing of my brother. I got the dreaded phone call this morning from my husband ( which I knew was coming) that my 15 yr old refused to go to school and says he has quit. He was extremely rude to my husband and my husband tried everything to encourage him but no luck.

We have told him that we can no longer give him money to go out with his friends when he is meant to be at school so if he wants food he will have to eat what is at home. 

I am so disappointed I thought we had made a bit of headway and also hoped that with everything that is going on he would be reasonable but no.

I really don’t know what else we can do as he won’t see or speak to anyone re going to any school. 

I hope you are having more luck than us and I’m thinking of you guys x

[Bel_RO]

Hi @Sandee,

We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother, and we send you and your family our condolences. We are also relieved to see you connect with us again during this extremely difficult time.

I understand how difficult it must be for you to have to deal with the grief of your brother, as well as the issues you are having with your son, who you feel you have lost in many ways. Have you found that being with family right now has provided any comfort? I also just wanted to remind you that we are here, as are the services we discussed with you last week. 

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

I’m so very sorry. I feel there are no words that can help with the way you’re feeling right now. The grief, the frustration, the exhaustion, the anguish. My heart goes out to you!

Ive been thinking about you and too was hoping your son would give it a go today. I’m feeling your pain that he didn’t. Do you think he ‘might’ give it a go when you’re back home? (With you?) With all the loss and grief you’re suffering with he could be feeling it too?? Was he close with either/both of his uncles? Could he be struggling with thought of mortality seeing his uncles unwell and then pass away and his grandmother now diagnosed too?

I could be clutching at straws and you know best but it does make me wonder.

How’s your husband doing? So tough on you all. Do you know why your son refuses school? Is he not going, not talking but going out all day? He has friends doing the same? Are you in contact with their mums? Is there a connection that could be made? I don’t even know who my son is with (refuses to tell me - refuses to talk - tells me it’s none of my business where he is, who he’s with or what he’s doing).

I’m just heartbroken with everything you’re having to endure but so glad to hear from you and that you’re making contact. You’re not alone. I hope you’re also making the most of the available services. No one expects you to carry this load. It’s so draining for you, your husband and your mum. Everyone is affected and banding together will hopefully help in some way.

I can’t imagine how hard it is not only grieving and supporting your mum but being away from home at this time. I take my hat off to you. I hope you’re ok.

Things here: don’t ask. My tank is empty. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. The exhaustion and emotional drain is taking its toll. I can’t stand stand the lies (so effortless), the manner, the entitlement, the rudeness, the egocentricity, the no care or thought of anyone beside himself. His lack of self care too, no wonder he doesn’t care about anyone when he feels so low. Hates when I compliment him or try to raise him up. Can’t win with whatever I do.

Trying to be supportive and caring isn’t working. Soft doesn’t work, hard doesn’t work. To see him not care about lying straight to everyone’s faces, it’s just shattering. I always kept hope that in there somewhere was the kind, honest, just young man that once existed and as much as I don’t want to lose hope that candle is slowly burning out. How many times can you keep coming back after being kicked in the teeth? I’m not a dog that needs to run back to his owner. I’m a mum trying her hardest to support her boy … sadly to no avail, sadly spiraling out of control.

The paediatrician prescribed him anti-aniexty meds on Friday. I’m in very mixed minds about them but shouldn’t need to worry because He’s refusing them anyway. Refusing anything that’s offered.

I want to say how exhausted I am but it disgusts me to complain when you’re going through so much more right now. I couldn’t imagine dealing with death AND being away from home AND dealing with your son all at the same time. You have every right to feel the way you do but please know there’s only so much you can control and take each day / hour at a time.

Hang on I’m writing this to you but think I have to take my own advice too.

We have to keep pushing through but why does it have to be this hard. It shouldn’t need to be.

Will we ever get out of this hell hole that’s consuming us and will our boys come out the other side? How long can we keep picking up the pieces?

I guess we need to keep the faith, the hope of change, otherwise, well otherwise all is lost and that would be worse than where we’re at now.

Oh geez, I’m making this sound so depressing. The fatigue is showing through. I’ll do my best to be more positive next time (can’t promise it but will certainly try).

Please stay strong. Your posts mean a lot. I look forward to one day reading our threads of breakthroughs. They will come eventually. Right?

Take care. Big hug to you and your mum xx

[Sandee]

Hello Sunshine72

Thank you as always for your kind words they mean a lot.

‘I feel your exhaustion and please don’t ever feel guilty having to vent we need to talk to someone and we both know how each other is feeling.

Re my son he wasn’t very close to my brother but I’m sure he would be feeling loss as well. I don’t believe that’s why he is acting like this as he has been like this for a while now and we only found out about my brother just under 3 months ago.

My husband is stressed being at home trying to work and deal with it while I’m away but he can do it I have faith ( I think)

We both now not giving our son a choice he either goes back to school or trade school or gets a job . We are being calm ( very hard to do ) firm but kind and letting him know that we will no longer be supporting him financially for his social life. So when he goes out with friends he can come home and eat no money will be given. This will also include no longer paying for his mobile phone plan. He will have a phone but he will have to pay for it. His friends will buy him food but that can only last so long they will get sick of it.

Im sure things will get worse before they are better but we are sticking to it . We will tell him that he is loved and will always be here for him . He can then think about what he wants cause it won’t be fun with us not giving him money every time .

‘I have no idea how it will go but we have to try and set these boundaries.

Re your son have you tried to get into Child Youth Mental Health Services? He may not see anyone but it’s worth calling tell them what is going on as they have Mental Health Peer Support people for you . Real people that have been thru what we are going thru and worse. They have helped me .

You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for . You have given up I think I might have with what you have been thru.

He may also need time to process the possibility of taking meds. I think it’s great you can even get him to go I never can.

please know that even though I’m dealing with a lot I’m still hear to listen it’s so important that you get support.

‘Your son needs you even though it may feel like he doesn’t he does.

People keep saying it will get better but when your in it it’s hard to see that.

I haven’t heard how this morning went at home yet as there is 1 hour difference as daylight savings.

Im off to take my mum to have her Pet Scan now to see how her treatment is going .

Talk soon and I’m hoping today is a better day for both of us and our families xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

Thank you for again taking time to write especially when you are juggling so much. It sounds like you have a clear plan/direction in place and are on the same page with your husband. You are being realistic knowing there will be hard times ahead but knowing that these boundaries are required. I wish you every success with it all and please let me know how things go. How has your son taken it so far? You're right, his friends will soon stop paying for food. How did he react with having to pay for his phone?  I hope you're husband is doing okay at home. How was your mum's scan? I hope she is doing okay? Please keep me posted. I'm inspired. 

Have you started your medication and do you feel it's helping? I know it's different for everyone but it's something I'm considering as the sick feeling of anxiety constantly in my stomach is so hard. I find it hard to focus, hard to go to work and trying to make up lots of excuses to distance myself from those around me because I have no interest in small talk and pretending everything is great but nor do I want to drone on about our situation to everyone who asks, how are you and what's happening!  

At home I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I called a Child and Youth Mental Health service and unfortunately it was a bitter experience. I rang them over a month ago when I was really low and the woman I struck could not have been more condescending, asking what I had tried so far,  was trying so hard to get me off the phone and could not have been more disinterested.  She told me to call parent line. I told her I had previously called them, so she then asked what other effort I had made. Told me lots of people are going through it and to take control and then just rattled off other places I should call and told me that I need to get him to go and talk to someone. She was beyond NON helpful. I was so disappointed that after the call I had a little meltdown. I was so upset. I could not believe someone like this was answering the phones. I had always considered myself a rather thick skinned, strong person but when I was vulnerable I really felt the kick in the teeth. Yes I moved on but I am HORRIFIED that other people in need are on the receiving end of her 'help'  I am trying to put it down to her having a bad or at the end of her shift or that she also has lots going on and struggling to focus like me. 

I have reached out to Reach Out, Local Youth Services, Black Dog institute, Paediatrician and GP, Youth Drug Support Services and Kirstin Barchia who ran some online seminars. My husband and I are attending a parent 'difficult youth' parenting session run by our local council with two excellent highly qualified presenters.   Everyone that we have come across so far keeps saying we're doing all the right things and there's nothing we can do until he talks or wants help.  I have major trouble stomaching that. Clearly we are NOT doing everything right otherwise we would not be in this situation.  

Keep me posted with how you're doing. xx

[Sandee]

Hi Sunshine72
im so worried that you got that response. I must admit I have t heard back from them in 2 weeks either and we have left numerous messages.

im afraid at my end thing couldn’t be worse. My husband was meant to define the clear boundaries to my son but couldn’t as his friend was there. The boys were going to stay over at our house and my husband take them to school but then the other child was on his phone to his mum  and said they could stay at his house . My husband heard him talking to his mum and thought it would be ok as he was planning on going to school.

I wouldn’t have let him but he would have just taken off anyway.

well the next morning my husband calls and I ask him did he go to school and he said I think so so I said you need to call him.

Then my worse nightmare happened. My son called my husband to get him to pick him up from the mates house as he had taken drugs.

I physically collapsed and immediately called my son. He was clearly out of it and not coping with how he was feeling. I told him my husband was on his way to get him and take him straight to the doctor. They did that and said he needed to rest.

‘my son was calling me constantly as he was not coping with the effects and vowed he had never done anything like this before.

I was and still am beside myself. Once it had worn off my husband tried to talk to him but the yelling to get out came back.

He refuses to go back to school .

I’m at a loss the anti depressants made me so I’ll I have had to stop them .. I am flying home tonight but I’m not even sure how I’m going to get on the plane. I’m a mess.

‘I’m so sorry that I have made this all about me.

Let me know how the parent session goes as we need to do one too.

‘My body is shutting down and I’m not sure how much more I can take . My son will not communicate to us so what do you do

take care and I’m thinking of you

[Stormy-RO]

Hey Sandee, I wanted to jump in and say how sorry I am to hear about what has happened these past few days and how it's affected you. It's a terrifying experience to be a parent away from home and find out that your son has taken drugs. It seems like a small but important detail that your son came to you when he was struggling with what was happening and your husband was able to pick him up from the friend's place and take him to the doctor. To me, it shows how much your efforts to show him that he can rely on you have come through, even if he doesn't show it in many other ways. 

I see that you're flying home tonight and that you can't take the antidepressants anymore as they made you feel ill. You're in an incredibly difficult situation at the moment and I was wondering what you can do to look after yourself as things stay uncertain? It sounds like the parenting session is something you could consider in future- is there anything that would help you today and tomorrow as you're working through this? You're doing an amazing job in staying grounded through all of this and it's so important to look after yourself. 

[Sandee]

Hello
Thanks for reaching out. Im at the airport now waiting to board. My husband went home from work at lunch to check my son as he doesnt get up until then. He offered to make him some eggs and my son said get out im not eating that. My husband had to go back to work so im sure my son would have gone out but he didnt ask for money this time. Its just terrifying not knowing where he is , what he is doing and what his future looks like. He doesn't answer when we try and call
Im trying to hold it together but im crumbling and dont know what to do

[Sunshine72]

Dear Sandee,

I am home from work and see your posts. I am devastated and so heartbroken. I am numb, in shock and feeling your pain. This is gut wrenching. I can only imagine how beside yourself you are. It's so frightening. My heart is pounding and I totally understand that you collapsed, I would too. I don't know how you're holding it together. I am so grateful that he is okay, that's the most important. Secondly I agree with Stormy-RO that although it doesn't feel like much right now, the fact that he kept calling you shows that he trusts you and feels safe to contact you. You have built this. He could easily have not made any contact at all. He knew you'd be there for him.

Again I am so glad he came out the other side and it wore off and he is okay. I know that doesn't fix anything which is now the challenge. Are the doctors offering any advice? Support? I spoke last week to a Youth Drug Authority service that I had googled. I think they were based in Melbourne. Perhaps they might be a good resource to call? I'm sorry I don't recall exactly which one I called. I don't know how much they can offer but they gave some good advice. Sadly they told me that until he is willing to talk or unless he is injecting there is nothing that can be done. It's so frustrating.

I feel your pain. I feel at a loss about what options we have. I am so sad with how their actions are affecting them (and us) and they can't see it. That they don't want support or want better for themselves. That they're feeling so down to be in this space.

You are right, without them communicating what option do we have? We try to talk to them, try texting, try showing love, care, support but it's such a struggle to see them destroy themselves as well as a struggle to have our constant attempts at support rejected.

We can't let go but it's hard to hold on. The toll it's taking on your body and mental health is debilitating. If you didn't care you'd be okay. The problem is you care. You're a wonderful and supportive mum. You want the best for your son and you're doing everything you can and more!

The question is how do you look after yourself. You're trying everything with having tried the meds, trying the apps, trying the counselling but honestly I'm right there with you, none of this makes you feel better. All the effort and struggles with no results. Looking after yourself sounds so clique. It's much easier said than done. I am crumbling with you. I know you'll keep trying to make contact and keep letting him know the door at home is open for him to come home. Continually texting and calling and trying to reach him to let him know how loved he is. It's hard. The anguish for you is unbearable as you sit and wait and wonder. The situation is cruel. I wish there was something I could say or do that would help. I hate the fact that there is nothing more we can do. It's a waiting game until they are ready. It becomes scary when you take yourself to the place whether you wonder whether they will ever be ready. That thought has to be wiped from our minds (it's hard!) as HOPE is really all we have to cling to.

I hope once he sees you he starts to open up. Once he realises how scared you were but also once he understands how happy you are that in his time of need he chose to call you! This will surely reinforce to him that you are always there for him! I wish you all the best. Keep in touch and stay as strong as you can. Sending love and support to you and your husband.

[Sandee]

Hi Sunshine 72
Thank you you are so kind and supportive.
Im home now and he said hello and i wanted to just talk a bit but he wasnt having it.
My husband has booked a phycologist for us to go to tomorrow cause im really not in a good place.
I know you understand it and im so sad that your family is in a similar situation. Its harder than anything.
The fear is crippling and you know you have to push thru but sometimes your body doesnt.
I dont think i have ever cried so much in my life.
Hope you are ok and im always thinking of you x