HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72
I agree waiting till Thurs to talk to you is a bit rough for him and you. The anxiety would be hard not knowing. I would have thought if it was bad they would have contacted you early.

Oh yes the dreaded weekend yep i hear you we are in the same boat and our kids dont get the worry we have.

Well here things have been good and i suppose interesting.
My husband tried to wake my son up as normal this morning but he said no im going later. Anyway strolled down around 10.30 and said he was going for a trim ( the school had told him last term and he refused) so thats a positive. I said what time am i taking u to school he said after that. Another positive. By the time he had the haircut stalled and carried on i dropped him at school at lunch time. He went for 2 periods YAY i couldnt believe it.
I picked him up and he was not happy saying he hates the school. I said i know you do but if you can hang in for 3 more weeks you will get thru year 9. I also said if you cant then we can look at other schools that may take you so you finish year 9. He saying no point as im failing. I told him if you go and try then they wont fail you as they will take an average mark for the whole year. But if you dont go at all then yes they probably will fail you.
He said stop talking about it you have been talking about it for 20 min. I hadnt but i left it at that.

He came home and i asked him to tidy his room and bring any washing down and he ignored me. He then came down and said im going to the shopping center. I said what for he said to catch up with his mate. He then said can i have $10 bucks for chips i said no i could give you $5 I wanted to look like i was compromising by giving him something even though i told him yesterday i wasnt giving him any more money but thought it might be like a reward for going to school.
He text me asking to pick him up and when we got home he is straight back into not speaking. I asked again can you please tidy your room and bring any washing down and he just ignored me i asked again and he shrugged his shoulders then said you have asked 100 times and walked off.
The rudeness is so frustrating after running around for him all day. Its lucky i dont work.
Oh well he wont be getting money again until its done.
My hubby and I are not convinced he will go to school tom so if he doesnt we have worded a message to send him as he wont speak to us just to let him know that if he doesnt go back to school he needs to get a job to support himself. Its worded very gently with options but he has to know what options are available so he can make a choice.
I know he will read a text and its sad that this is how i have to tell him but if i try and talk he shuts it down and doesnt hear it

Long winded sorry and dont get me wrong we had some positives today i just want him to know what his options are so he can make his choice but at the same time cant blame us for any consequences that may come with his choice.

Hole that makes sense. Im here for you this weekend we will get thru it together x

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee, 

Wow, yay, great positives. He went for a haircut, he went for two periods and he cares.... he said I'm going to fail. That shows he cares and is concerned about it. That's a lot of steps forward. I know there's hundreds more to go but as they say every journey starts with a single step. 

Yes it's frustrating that the rudeness and cold shoulder comes afterwards but what good progress he's made today. That would have taken a lot for him. I also love that he asks you for a lift. Today I drove to work straight past my son's school which means he could sleep in a bit (I have to wake him 6 times a morning before he gets out of bed - and is cranky about being woken),  but he would rather get the bus! 

From my perspective, I see that you are constantly supporting him, working with him, giving support, trying to talk, compromising with him and I am no expert but I think deep down that's so reassuring for him. That's fair enough that he won't get anymore $ till he tidies his room. 

Fingers crossed he goes to school tomorrow but if not well done that you've got a message ready. I think that's a great idea messaging him especially because he keeps shutting down.  That way he reads it and can go back to it and is clearly aware what his options are. I believe you're doing a great job. 

How are you feeling? Was your morning a bit better today? I hope so. 

Bracing for the weekend. Thanks for being there. It's so nice having someone who understands. xx

PS. I'm so grateful for our connection. I do think it's a little strange messaging on here for the world to see and wonder how many people are reading along.  A few mixed thoughts on it but then again I don't care. I'm thankful we get to be there for each other because I often feel so alone and like no one understands, but I know you do, so thank YOU! xx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72 

Yes def a few positives yesterday but sadly not today. My husband and I have attempted to get my son to go to school we have been in his room over 10 times with no luck. Im not going in again we have notified the school that he isnt coming so now it will be up to him. 

We will stick with our original plan and brace ourselves for what is coming.

How are things at your end? How are you and your hubby?

I know im not sure why they wont give us an option to chat privately as I too feel odd about sharing everything for everyone to read. I do though like you enjoy the support and connection we give each other .

Fingers crossed for our pending weekends xx

[Shiv-RO]

Hi @Sandee and @Sunshine72 

It is so nice to witness you both supporting each other through your shared challenges. It is wonderful you have turned your pain into a supportive friendship. 

For the safety of all community members, we do not have capacity to allow private messages as we would be unable to safely moderate this space. We require all community members to maintain anonymity. This is to protect the confidentiality of both the community members and their young people. Please see our community guidelines and the below excerpt:

"Stay anonymous at all times: please don’t post any information that could identify you or anyone you’re posting about, including school names/ teachers, or link to personal information like blogs or social media accounts. Please respect other people’s anonymity, even if you think you may know them in real life." 

If in the future, you ever feel uncomfortable about something you have written being on this public forum feel free to contact us and we can remove the relevant post.

The Online Community Team

[Sunshine72]

Oh @Sandee,

I am so sorry. I was hoping today would be different. It seems to be the story of our lives, that we give and give and hope for a better result and then it doesn't happen. I'm so sad to hear your news. How are you holding up? Makes me want to scream. Did you send him your message? Did you get any response? I feel so frustrated because I just wish I knew what's blocking them. It must be hard being a teenager nowadays but it's also **bleep** hard being a parent! Did school say anything when you called and said he's not coming? Have you heard any response from the Youth Disengagement service you called the other day? I'm sorry, so many questions. I just worry about you and your hubby because you're offering so much and being such supportive parents. They say life is not fair and now with our situations, I have a true lived example of that. 

From our end....well today wasn't a good day for school, he went but told me he's going to give the deputy a mouthful for being a d***head. I said, "No you're not. You always speak with manners and respect."  What a stupid thing for me to say when he doesn't speak that way to us. He told me I have no idea how bad he is and that I don't understand anything. Anyway no news from him or school. This afternoon he told me that he still wants to go to Melbourne (interstate) with his friends and hang out and I need to stop over reacting. He told me that no matter what I say it's not illegal that he goes and he's planning to do in the next school holidays.  Great....watch out next school holidays. I'm nervous already even though I've kept saying 'No.'  so off he went to work (his Part time job) and then text me that he's not coming home, he's going out and not sure what time he'll be home tonight. No idea where he is as when I ask where he's going he says, jsut hanging out with my friends. What friends I ask and he makes up names and tells me I don't know them. When I ask for more details he just huffs and says it's none of my business. 

I keep thinking that when he's 18 he can move out and do what he wants but let's be honest, he won't have the funds to do it. I'm too old for this s*** 

I hope your text message to him make him think about his choices. Where are our beautiful young boys. I keep asking where did I go wrong. I look at everyone around that has 'normal' kids and I wonder is it me or them? 

won't get any sleep until he comes home but who knows when that will be. Yes it's another welcome to the weekend. 

Hubby goes away for work again tomorrow for a few days. He's not keen on being away when we're living in this hell. I think it adds to his anxiety too, but I tell him to go as a hope he can switch off for a bit and get some energy but how can he get energy when he's working and then worrying about home. Grrrr. I just want to pack up and go with him. I wish!

Another happy weekend!   

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72 

Sorry I didnt reply last night .

Even though your son said he would say something to the deputy at school im glad he didnt because im sure they would have contacted you so thats good. Still I know what you mean by stressing out every time your phone rings because you straight away think oh no here we go. Its an awful way to be but unfortunately its just how things are right now.

Did he come home last night? Im not sure re the Melbourne thing whether he can go or not? Maybe have look on the airlines website it may give you some ideas.

I didnt get a chance to send the message to my son. He ended up going to school for 1.5 hours so I spent the whole day waiting for him to go then pretty much dropping him off then going back and picking him up.Im sure the school will have alot to say when my hubby goes to the meeting Monday. Im also sure my son wont go back now because of what happened below as he does hold a grudge.

When I picked him up he was in a mood and I just nicely said I understand you dont like this school and im happy to help you find another school or if you really cant do school then you will need to find a job. He just gave me a filthy look and said stop talking .

When we got home he came to me and said can my mate stay tonight. Now I have always said yes in the past but tonight for the first time in ages my hubby and I were going out. We had tickets to an event that was between 6-9pm so I said sorry not tonight as we are going out and I dont want any kids here while we are not home. My son said well what time are you getting back and I said im not sure so he said well we will come back when you're home. I said no sorry your friend can stay tomorrow night just not tonight. Well that kicked off by im saying ok well we will stay in the streets then.

I didnt react then he said can my mates come until you go out and I said yes but you may want to tidy your room as it's pretty bad. Then 2 min later 1 mate came who we had met before and is polite then about 30 min later while I was upstairs another one came who my husband had never met.

They were having a great time upstairs . My husband went up 15 min before we left to say we are going and it's time to go and offered to drop the kids home . The polite kids said no problems but the other one didnt speak. Next min they all left I asked my son where are you going he just looked at me.

My hubby and I went out and when we got home we saw that the mate had left his bag at our house. so clearly my son had all intentions of him staying even though we had said no  even the friend heard us say no not tonight. Anyway my hubby called my son to say we are home and offer the friend a lift home to his house. My son answered and said can my mate stay didnt even say   hello and my hubby said no sorry we said not tonight so my son just hung up. My hubby called him back and said that we could drive his friend home but my son said no and he wasnt coming home because we wouldnt let his friend stay and hung up.

So we had no idea who this friend is if his parents even know that he was staying with us and also have no idea where they stayed. He basically tried to blackmail us in a way saying if you dont let my friend stay then im not coming home because he knows how much I worry.

You just cant win.

So that is my weekend so far. I have spent the morning second questioning myself thinking maybe we should have said ok but then thats not helping my son but then he would have been home who knows. My hubby and I spent ages cleaning up the aftermath of the boys being in his room before we went out, You have no idea it looked like a massive frat party had occurred .

I have no idea what today will bring im sure he will not talk to us as in his mind he will think they made me sleep on the streets and I really dont understand why that other friend just didnt ring his parents to pick him up or let us drive him home. Surely he must have been uncomfortable knowing that we didnt want anyone staying over.

Hope your weekend is going better than ours so far xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee 

It's Sunday morning and I thought I'd have a look at our thread and my post from yesterday isn't there? Maybe I didn't hit post or something happened so I'm sorry it's coming through now. 

This is from yesterday:

-----

Hi @Sandee 

He came home last night at 11pm. Didn't say anything and went to bed. Then left this morning at 7am. I asked where he was going and I get 'out' so I ask, who with and get 'friends'

No idea where he is or what time he'll be home tonight! Oh the joys. 

Yes it's good that I didn't get a call from school so I can only assume that he didn't say anything to the deputy? Although I can't be sure. 

The Melbourne thing...it's a no from me. I'm guessing he'd get a train with his mates but I've said he doesn't have permission to go and that as he's under 18 I am responsible for him.  I'm dreading the next holidays. 6wks to go!

So, your son ended up going to school yesterday. I wonder what the change was that made him go even if it was for 1.5 hours. It's awful when you're being supportive about helping him make a choice that they say, 'stop talking' and get cranky. I'd love to get cranky too but know it won't help. 

Your son sounds very similar to mine. Can't accept no, can't say hello, but believe it or not you have more communication than we do so although he's still doing what he wants, he still answers your calls, calls you and texts. So frustrating that this kid (who you had never met) felt he could stay the night. I worry that our son is similar to that, no regard for the fact that someone has said no, and no shame in staying in their space. So frustrating. 

The blackmail. argggghhhhh! Did the friend end up staying or did they both leave?  You're so generous offering lifts and trying to help out.  Why do they act like this?  Have you heard from him? Did he come home?   

Don't question yourself if you're doing the right thing because everything you're doing is coming from a good place, it's coming from a place of love and although it seems he can't see that, I believe deep down he knows that. 

I must say I am really happy that you went out. It's so hard with everything going on to go and do anything so hats off to you and hubby for going out. So important to do things together. 

A few things in the house have broken, stopped working this week. Lights, leak in the kitchen, heater, etc. It just feels like it's all literally falling apart not only items in the house but like life is falling apart. Because of the leak in the kitchen I've had to pull everything out so it's a bomb site in the dining room and kitchen. Then I left to do a grocery shop this morning and someone has egged my car? Are you kidding me, that was like the final straw! This really affected me.

Now I've become paranoid about who would have done that. Has our son p*****d someone off? I'm trying to tell myself it was just Halloween kids mucking around. Tried hard to wash off the dried raw egg along the side of my car with warm soapy water and then headed to the shops with the stench of the egg which was disgusting! So random. However it was only car that was egged. Am I overthinking it? 

Home now, shopping packed away and kitchen/dining room all restacked/cleaned up trying to restore some order. In the house at least seeing I don't have any control over our son. 

Will this worry ever stop? 

----

No contact on Saturday until early evening when he text asking if a friend could stay. I said yes and they came home last night at 10:30pm and barely managed a hello and up to his room they went. Still asleep now which I prefer as it's normally up at 7-8am and out the door again. 

How is your weekend going? Hoping things are going ok? 

I feel like I'm in a vicious cycle of 'repeat' 'repeat' 'repeat'

Hitting POST now so hopefully it works.

Take care xx

[Sunshine72]

Thanks @Shiv-RO 

Appreciate you acknowledging and responding. I understand. It certainly makes sense and at the same time is such a shame. I guess we knew what we signed up for, but I don't think we realised we'd make such a connection.  It's just so nice to link with someone who shares the same experiences first hand and like you said has become a supportive friendship.  It is hard not to write 'too' much especially today when I was searching for the thread and saw that 1243 have viewed our communication. Feels a bit voyeuristic and intrusive but it's a public forum so I shouldn't be surprised. I felt I could let my guard down a bit here sharing experiences as it's so tiring being guarded all the time but I realise it's a reminder for @Sandee and I to be vigilant.

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72 

Yes I saw that your post appeared then disappeared lol

Im glad your son came home thats a good sign and that he brought his friend. Its better to have them at home then not know where they are.

My hubby and I still said no re the friend staying as my son was so rude and manipulative and we did offer all alternatives. They both came home the next day.

It has been a weekend of ups and downs a few meltdowns from my son and still no way he is going back to school so he says. My hubby and I are trying so hard to not take his explosive reactions personally as they are so extreme. We keep trying to keep communication open and as soon as he lets us will book him in to see someone again.

He is saying things to us like I have no clothes , he does have clothes and is only now learning to bring them down if he wants them washed but he says to my hubby ill go to school if you buy me clothes. The clothes he wants are all brand names. Im not falling for that any more. We are trying to stick with a fair plan and if he cant manage that then he needs to think about going back to school or get a job. Its not easy as you know but we have to do it.

He has clothes he has food all here we are just not going to be manipulated anymore and we know he needs help to regulate his emotions but until he lets us book him in there is not much more we can do.

OMG your right about it all happening to you at once with things breaking onto of having to try and navigate your son I see how that would have affected you.

I must say when I hear people say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger I want to punch them hahahahaha

My hubby and I are also paranoid like you said re the egging because we have so many emotions running thru our heads and our sons arent telling us where they are and if they did you dont know if its the truth either. But im sure the egging was just a random thing.

Hope your weekend gets better and at least you have them home at the moment which is great xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

You and your husband sound united and strong which is so good. Your plan sounds solid with money and clothes. You've made it very clear that he has food and clothes and a safe loving place at home. The manipulation with I'll go to school when you buy me clothes is frustrating!

Did I understand correctly that he ended up staying out all night with his mate without you knowing where he was? It's such a relief that he came home the next day. How did you manage that night? I fear this is coming for us too.  

My son threw his clothes in the laundry basket during the night (usually just leaves them on the floor), they are beyond FILTHY, wet and it's not raining (I'm guessing because they were wet was the reason why he put them in the basket) and they're full of spray paint. I know he's vaping and I'm certain he's doing some type of substance just not sure which one. Weed or something harder. This scares me beyond measure. I am at a loss as he won't talk and is just angry.  I don't actually even know the last time he showered but this morning they got up and just left.  He has lots of 'branded' clothes in his room that were brand new (with tags) that I did not purchase. He wrecks all his clothes, they're covered in spray paint. 

Earlier this year I brought up the subject with him and told him graffiti is not okay. He told me it's his decision and he'll deal with the consequences. He doesn't care. Says nothing will happen cause he's young, they'll just give him a slap on the wrist. Great attitude! I spoke calmly and told him if he gets a criminal charge it will affect his work ability, traveling to other countries etc. Told me he doesn't care. 'so what! it's no big deal.' I asked if we could find an art school or workshop places but he's not interested. 

I try to take my mind off things but knowing he's out there 'somewhere' and doing stupid s*** and not caring frightens me and breaks my heart. He has recently started saying 'yes' to any requests, just to shut me up but doesn't do them anyway. He hardly eats at home and if so it's just any junk food he can find. I have stopped buying treats. 

Has your son spoken to someone before? You mentioned about going again (that made me think he may have done so previously). That would be so good. I wish my son would connect with a mentor/counsellor/support person. Did you hear anything back from the support liaison youth place that your husband called? 

I keep hoping things will get better but I can't see how until they're willing and I know it sounds negative but I constantly brace myself for the worst (my coping mechanism). 

Hoping for some positives for the school meeting tomorrow. Thinking of you. xx