I'm out of ideas on how to help my daughter who has been diagnosed with NPD

[BrianS]

Hi, I'm BrianS.  Please let me know if this post is not appropriate.

I found out about this community whilst looking for help for my daughter, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm 52yo, I currently live in Canberra & I have a 26yo daughter.

To be honest, there is nothing that I can think of in the last few years that she has done that has made me laugh, sorry about that.

Best thing about weekends?  Well, I have to plan things to do on Sundays, to both help & entertain a 16yo young man I have been a primary carer of for 2yrs now.  Being non-verbal, I've learned to read signs of how he's feeling - with mixed success. 😉  We have setbacks, but I feel satisfaction when we achieve small steps.

However back to my daughter,C, who is why I'm here.  I've run out of ideas for how to help her.  She has been diagnosed with NPD (*'Narcissistic Personality Disorder') meaning an inability to empathise with other people.  She is also a chronic alcoholic who consumes vast quantities of alcohol when she drinks, to the extent that she is well known to both the police & ambulance services but luckily doesn't have a criminal record - yet.  She is also very well known to all the acute mental health services.

C has no insight into her condition.  She regularly engages in destructive practices, meaning that she has by now burned all her bridges with not only all her family but also various crisis accommodation services, the Dept of Housing's crisis help, a few mental hospitals - well, you get the picture.  On various occasions she has been sectioned but then let go to continue her destructive behaviour.

She has highly intelligent & very plausible when dealing with mental health / drug & alcohol people but she has no basic life skills, such as budgeting, working, shopping, cooking, sharing chores etc etc.  She has started but not finished Uni degrees & has never held a full time job.  Her current plan is to get the DSP ('Disability Support Pension') so that she won't have to work & will have just enough money to live & drink.  As she regularly has been thrown out of share accommodation I think this plan won't work & she will end up homeless before long if she gets her way.

Currently she is in an acute mental health facility, after a few near-death drinking episodes & the behaviour that accompanies them.  She has no address to be discharged to, so is basically there, trying to get out, whilst we wait for a long term rehab to take her.  She has also burned bridges in that area, meaning choices are less, but she does have private health cover (paid for by her estranged stepfather, thank goodness)  so our best option is a local private rehab.

If/when she is accepted into a long term rehab she will be a 'voluntary' patient & I have no hope that she will last even a week before she gets thrown out, either by breaking every rule she has agreed to, or coming back from leave hugely drunk & angry.  Else I think she will simply go AWOL.

I'm exhausted & out of ideas.  I see no happy ending.  If there is anyone else out there with similar experiences I would love to hear from you.  Again, sorry if this is an inappropriate introduction, BrianS.

[TOM-RO · Accepted solution]

Hey @BrianS 

Welcome to ReachOut and for sharing your story. It sounds like you are going through a really difficult time with your daughter. It can feel pretty helpless when we're lost for ideas on how to support our children. 

Just letting you know that I've moved your moved your post into the "concerned about my teen" section of the forums as it is better suited to this area of the forums. It is now its own thread so it should increase the amount of support you receive. I also removed some identifying details (e.g., living location etc.) as we don't want you/ your children to be identifiable. I hope you don't mind. 

Lastly, I've tagged some parents who are frequent users of this forum and provide amazing support to multiple users. @Dad4good @JAKGR8 @sunflowermom @PapaBill @JohnT @Maruko . 

Lastly, a really good resource for parents in your situation is Parentline, as they offer free and confidential counselling and support to parents and carers on any parenting issues they may be facing. They may be able to help you navigate this situation with your daughter, support you, and also refer you to any useful services in your area. Parenting can be stressful, so it's important you look after yourself in this situation too . 

The number for Parentline differs per state. Scroll to the bottom of this page to see which number to call if you're interested. 

[Orbit64 · Accepted solution]

Hi @BrianS 

I came across this resource dealing with my teenage son in a different area of addiction.

Robert J. Meyers, the author of "Getting Your Loved One Sober".

There is also a podcast you can listen to an interview to see if it may be a fit for your situation. Just search using 

robert j meyers podcasts talking to teens

It is episode 34

The strategy they use has a lot of supported research on how family members and those around addicted people can influence them in a structured tested way. The whole strategy is that the addicted person finally makes the connection that they have to do something to help themselves. 

Note that I have not had the experience you have gone through, however this may provide a strategy you have not tried or come across. I had to order the book online, as it does not seem to be carried by any Australian book stores I approached. 

[Taylor-RO · Accepted solution]

Hiya @BrianS, you are currently commenting on the aforementioned thread. If you receive notifications through emails, the links should bring you here. Otherwise, you can find your post by clicking on Common Concerns > Concerned about my teen > Re: I'm out of ideas on how to help my daughter wh... once you are on the forum homepage. Sorry about all this, it can be a bit confusing sometimes

I noticed your daughter has been diagnosed with a condition previously. Is she still in touch with a psychiatrist/counsellor/psychologist? It sounds as though you really are trying your best in what is a difficult and worrying situation for you. It is so challenging when we really want to help our children, yet have to watch them struggle. With that being said, do you have any support for yourself? It can't be easy to manage all of this alongside caring for someone else. Let us know if you do try some of the links that we provided or if you have find any helpful resources

[TOM-RO · Accepted solution]

Hey @BrianS 

Welcome to ReachOut and for sharing your story. It sounds like you are going through a really difficult time with your daughter. It can feel pretty helpless when we're lost for ideas on how to support our children. 

Just letting you know that I've moved your moved your post into the "concerned about my teen" section of the forums as it is better suited to this area of the forums. It is now its own thread so it should increase the amount of support you receive. I also removed some identifying details (e.g., living location etc.) as we don't want you/ your children to be identifiable. I hope you don't mind. 

Lastly, I've tagged some parents who are frequent users of this forum and provide amazing support to multiple users. @Dad4good @JAKGR8 @sunflowermom @PapaBill @JohnT @Maruko . 

Lastly, a really good resource for parents in your situation is Parentline, as they offer free and confidential counselling and support to parents and carers on any parenting issues they may be facing. They may be able to help you navigate this situation with your daughter, support you, and also refer you to any useful services in your area. Parenting can be stressful, so it's important you look after yourself in this situation too . 

The number for Parentline differs per state. Scroll to the bottom of this page to see which number to call if you're interested. 

[Orbit64 · Accepted solution]

Hi @BrianS 

I came across this resource dealing with my teenage son in a different area of addiction.

Robert J. Meyers, the author of "Getting Your Loved One Sober".

There is also a podcast you can listen to an interview to see if it may be a fit for your situation. Just search using 

robert j meyers podcasts talking to teens

It is episode 34

The strategy they use has a lot of supported research on how family members and those around addicted people can influence them in a structured tested way. The whole strategy is that the addicted person finally makes the connection that they have to do something to help themselves. 

Note that I have not had the experience you have gone through, however this may provide a strategy you have not tried or come across. I had to order the book online, as it does not seem to be carried by any Australian book stores I approached. 

[BrianS]

Thanks,

I will check those resources & check back in with you.

She is moving from the mental hospital to another voluntary rehab later today but is already starting to show signs she doesn't really intend to stay.

Thanks again, Brian

[BrianS]

Thanks very much.

Only problem is that now I can't seem to find the new thread.  Could you please send me a link?  Thanks for removing any possible identifying info,

Later today she is leaving her most recent mental hospital for a 'voluntary' rehab but is already starting to show signs she won't stay, especially if she gets her DSP application accepted.

Another concern is that after her last binge the hospital tested her & found her to be 0.413.  If she binges like that with no tolerance...well, it's probably not a good outcome.

Thanks again, I'll look at the tags etc/

Kind regards, Brian

[BrianS]

Oh, I found the link.  I pressed "Solved".

Thanks, Brian

[Taylor-RO · Accepted solution]

Hiya @BrianS, you are currently commenting on the aforementioned thread. If you receive notifications through emails, the links should bring you here. Otherwise, you can find your post by clicking on Common Concerns > Concerned about my teen > Re: I'm out of ideas on how to help my daughter wh... once you are on the forum homepage. Sorry about all this, it can be a bit confusing sometimes

I noticed your daughter has been diagnosed with a condition previously. Is she still in touch with a psychiatrist/counsellor/psychologist? It sounds as though you really are trying your best in what is a difficult and worrying situation for you. It is so challenging when we really want to help our children, yet have to watch them struggle. With that being said, do you have any support for yourself? It can't be easy to manage all of this alongside caring for someone else. Let us know if you do try some of the links that we provided or if you have find any helpful resources

[BrianS]

Thanks for your time in constructing that thoughtful reply. My reply is far too long so no need to read it! I think I'm just ordering my thoughts.
She entered 'voluntary' rehab on 31Dec19 in Sydney and has been there since. She has stayed free of drugs & alcohol but has continually broken various rules, been discharged then re-admitted, continually improving 1 'grade' then going back to 'level 1'. Now they wish to discharge her permaently but cannot do so until they find her accommodation. The plan is for this to be close to the rehab so she can attend as an out-patient.
I organised a constructive 2.5hr meeting with her where I had to persuade her to forget about concepts of 'fair' or 'right' as they don't matter at the moment. She has to focus clearly on her next steps.
My ex-sister-in-law is fixated on getting her mandatorily detained for 12 months under section 33 & has been amassing a giant file. I have pointed out that now that C is sober & articulate there is no way a magistrate will detain her so that is a terrible idea. But I did tell C that there is a massive pile of very unhelpful to her evidence which, should she make more bad choices, will be given to the mental health professional or police prosecutor to use & that I will back that. At first she was very angry that they "would do this behind my back" but I pointed out that of course it was done behind her back, that's just how life works in these cases.
Luckily the karma wheel has turned. When she was born her mother's side lodged a birth certificate without my name on it. In 2013 she gave POA to her stepfather & now wants to revoke it. But she needs a suitable witness & the rehab were stalling her on that. It concerns a small ($4.5k) amount of money she has accrued in rehab which most was to go to her Grandmother for safe keeping. Other monies of hers I explained would entail her taking a civil lawsuit to recover & that's a stupid idea. She can have all that when she finishes 12 mths sober & has fulfilled her part of our deal.
So, as technically I am NOT a relative, I agreed to draft & witness her revocation. & provide ID so no-one could sy she forged it My deal was that I do this for her as an act of trust, freeing her fom the POA. She is to attend rehab every day until July, when she will enrol in a full-time (3days/wk) Cert III at TAFE, both to relearn how to learn & to make her maternal Nan proud & lift a huge weight off her 76yo shoulders. Then, if she wishes to attend Uni next year that's fine.
This decision hasn't pleased my ex-s-i-law but I pointed out hat $4.5k or $900 DSP money makes no difference to her choices. Essentially she thinks I ruined her 'application' cmbined witha weird jealousy. But deals can only stick on a 'quid pro quo' basis. So I left C with two clear choices.
To wrap up, she will probably be discharged next week. I plan to come to Sydney for that & the next few days. Will it work? I spoke to the manager & we sadly agreed it's less than 50%, she may need to fall further.
But at least I feel I've done all I can & I have. End of essay!

[Andrea-RO]

Hi @BrianS, 

It sounds like both you and your daughter are in a difficult situation at the moment, thank you for being so brave to update us on your story. I'm glad that we were able to provide space for you to order your thoughts!

It sounds that you really love and care about your daughter and are doing all you can to support her. You've got a solid plan, and have really thought about how you can best help C make a turn around in her life, and start fulfilling her potential. Let us know how it goes!