My 14 year old has no friends

[Bre-RO]

Thank you so much @LuckyGirl2000 for taking the time to share how things have changed for your son. I'm happy to hear he has honed a skill and is getting ready for college. Definitely shows how much can change and provides a lot of hope to the forum   

[LuckyGirl2000]

Pleasure! We all can use encouragement

[PapaBill]

Hi @Raging 

Bullying can be devastating to people and online is a form that is hard to escape from.

Sadly I am not surprised at the parent attitude as the so call friend had to learn these behaviors somewhere.

At the same age my son didn't really have any friends but now at 18 he has build a good peer group now he stared university.  What concerns me is the impact on your son of the bullying

Has your son "blocked", "unfrended" etc the bully ?

Is there interests that he can explore to make new friends?

On a separate note, you say t is effecting your relation ship with your husband? 

That needs to be explored, something happening to your son done by another child shouldn't be causing issues with your marriage.  If it is causing you feelings that are impacting the marriage maybe it is worth thinking about how to manage those?

[makananoleholeh]

we can encourage him

[Babymomma]

just wondering if things got any better for your son? My 13 year old daughter is going throufh the same thing and its heartbreaking.

[LuckyGirl2000]

Hi there - my son is now 19 and a sophomore at the University of Rochester studying computer science. He will be ok, but he is still dealing with depression as a result of being bullied throughout high school. He still struggles with social anxiety.

My advice to you is to take action now. I recommend Social Thinking out of Boston - a lot of free curricula online. The following are all things I wish I had done. We tended to believe our son when he said "everything was fine" but then he really lost it freshman year of college and became suicidal. Change schools if you need to to give her a fresh start. Get her psychotherapy. Have her diagnosed if you think there could be autism or Asperger's (I belatedly realized our son is probably a little on the spectrum). 

Most importantly, and I'm sure you do this, let her know always that she is loved exactly as she is.

I wish you all the love and healing and support possible! I'm sure your daughter is a beautiful person. 

[Riven]

Hi, I’m in a similar boat, my son is 14 turning 15 in July, I realise your post is from a while ago but just wanted to know how your boy is going now? My sons lack of friends is starting to get to him, I can see it, he’s so lonely and I’ve signed him and I up to a gym so I can train with him and joined him up with bjj so he can learn a martial art and hopefully make friends that way as well. I’m at a loss and so sad for him. I pray your boy was able to make some nice friends. x Big hugs x

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @Riven 

It must be so tough watching your son go through this, thanks for offering your support to other parents . Signing him up for extracurricular activities is a great idea, good on you being so proactive about this. I can imagine this is probably having quite an impact on your son, do you think he might benefit from chatting to someone about what he is going through like a school counsellor?

[helpearth]

Hey,

i am also a 14 year old kid who lives in Italy, i have never had a friend yet i have been to 3 different schools and i seem to make an enemy of all of them before a year passes, i am a generous kid aswell as a shy one but i also have "stutter" a talking disability where e i pause in my speech and repeat letters without wanting to (i am also english), but i assure you that i dont stutter a lot, if you want some advice about what is stopping your son from having friends then i would say that he has a different aspect of whats around him, he must do something or have a small disability that his classmates use to embarriss him, this "disability" could be anything, to not understanding the different expressions that his classmates use to not being able to make people laugh. When his classmates embariss him he would no way to confront him/her beacuse the whole class would turn against him and bully him so he has no way of letting out his anger so he stores it letting it build up and up until something will happen one day that will make him "explode" all of his anger on who opposes him making him a temporary bully, i am saying this because it is what i have experienced in my short period opf time, your son needs to meet someone who is as shy as him aswell as having a similar personallity. I hope this helped you, i am truly sorry that your son is experiencing this and i hope it works out. Peace

[LuckyGirl2000]

Thank you so much for this very moving message!

You are exactly right. Our son did have some tiny quirks (not quite visible enough to be diagnosed with aspergers but it just made him stand out, as you say) and he was constantly bullied in high school. This caused him a lot of pain and like you he is shy, but so sweet.

His father and I did not realize the extent to which he was holding all of this inside. If we had we probably would have had him move schools, although kids are pretty much the same everywhere.

It did explode, as you say, into some depression that was painful.

I want to tell you this, though, and it is so important: my son is now 19 and things DO get better. That experience made him stronger. And it has made you strong already because I sense such intelligence in you and openness of heart. I can tell you are amazing! Just like my son.

And all that time in his room? Not going to lame parties that he was not invited to? He spent it learning about computer languages and studying philosophy. He is sailing through university and getting into highly selective computer science research programs and is finally happy and making friends!

You are going to be just fine! Do talk to your mom and dad though. Getting our son a therapist was a big part of him pulling through that difficult time. I think it helped him find his identity and see himself beyond his “disability”.

Your letter moved me to tears because it is written from a place of compassion. You have a big heart and you already know how to put yourself in others’ shoes. That is something many adults don’t even know how to do! And it is what makes us powerful as human beings. Not Neanderthals like the bullies at school who are themselves super insecure. That is not power, it is weakness.

Anyway, I thank you for your wisdom. You are 100% correct. Stay strong my young friend! You are extraordinary. Please keep me posted on your progress through school. And don’t let anyone take your joy! Here’s to the shy (and powerful) ones! 🙌🙌🙌✨✨✨