Our 14 year old son is hitting us...

[Faob_1]

I am in a similar situation with police being called when we have had to physically restrain our 14 year old son from hitting us ..he calls police and says we are abusing him! Police have been on our side as they have listened on phone as he has tried to kick in doors.  We think it is drugs, possibly synthetic cannabis. The belligerence is stressing me out so much I feel physically ill being around him. We are yelled at for the slightest thing. Last night he was beaten up outside a McD store, and brought home by police. He was asked to come home from a friend's at 7:00, turned off his phone, ignored us, and then we are meant to be the all caring parent!! Honestly, I am at a total loss. How much do we have to put up with. Police tell us he doesn't belong in a care home, and they can't just drop him off at one! I fear for our safety and our mental health. 

Suggestions?

[Faob_1 · Accepted solution]

Hello, thankyou for asking about his. My first coaching session was very helpful and I have tried to regain some focus on my own mental health by going out for walks, some meditation with an app, and some time with my daughter shopping for a car! That's always good fun! 

On the home front, son returned from 2 weeks away. At airport told me to get out of front passenger seat as that was his place. I said no, so he took his bag out of car and started walking away. We started to drive off, tooted horn, I swapped seats and he got in and we came home. Barely engaged in conversation in car, mono syllabic replies.  Same at home, until about an hour later when he grabbed the keys to my new car, jumped in the drivers seat and immediately started to cjhekc it out. I sat in there with him, and then he started chatting about his time away with my niece, and asked if I knew this and that about her... so a brief moment of normality.

Then, all went to bed, and we heard him leave the house after midnight...dog alerted us. Tracked him on phone, believe we know which mate's home he was on his way to, his phone racking was turned off by him, and then he was on the doorstep at 7:20 this morning! All quiet, I am guessing he is asleep.

i spoke to his mate's grandmother, which is the home I believe he was at, she couldn't honestly say that was where he was, but she would most certainly ask her grandson. He spends a few nights with her, and other nights at his parent's home as G'ma is closer to his school.

i have discovered that boy has used my credit card fraudulently while my son has been away and run up several hundreds of $debt on Uber!  Needless to say card is cancelled. I have now traced well over $1000 in fraudulent use of my card. The bank will have to now be involved, as will the police. Thankfully Uber receipts are wonderfully detailed.. my son has set up the account without our knowledge and stolen my card details, and provided access to his mates! I am fearful of what that was in exchange for.

If that wasn't enough, my son received another police caution, verbal this time, for an incident that I am astonished he has not been charged for. 

A guy from corrective services is coming over in 3 hours to speak to son re the cautions, and consequences. If son shows no remorse, then I am afraid it will be up to the bank & police to take action.  I am at the point where he clearly needs a major major fall.

We have looked into sending him to a 2 week outdoor program with counselling, psychologist etc that is geared up for kids in his situation. My husband and I are standing strong and firm and united, and I will make the time to tell son that the way he treated us at the airport was unkind, hurtful and I will not tolerate that behaviour.  I think he decided to come home because he has no money and was organising to stay at his friend's G'ma's home.

Sadly, our dog is frightened of him and after two weeks of calm, she was desperate to sleep on our bed last night, so we had to move her bed into our room.  Can always trust a dog's instincts I think! 

Sorry for the ovrly wrong reply, but there you have it.   😞

[Faob_1 · Accepted solution]

That last sentence should read overly long reply!

[Faob_1 · Accepted solution]

And...it's Sunday morning and I am sitting in the police station while the police officer types up the report regarding son's fraudulent use of my credit card.  As the officer bemoans the fact that young boys are no longer taken down the back of the shed and 'sorted out', he warns me that this may just receive another caution as they are desperate to keep juveniles out of the justice system.  Son seems to think cautions are a joke, so it is water off a duck's back as far as he is concerned. 

We realise that this fraud is obviously payment for something. What though is the question. The guy from corrective services almost had son crack yesterday, there was a hint of tears, then son pulled himself together, and stormed out the door, returning for dinner, which he refused to eat at the dining table with us.

This morning he was offered a cooked breakfast, was told what he asked for was ready, said he didn't want it, so our dog had a lovely egg and pancakes. Son came out of his room a couple minutes later to discover his food was gone, and dog was happy! Consequences consequences consequences and firmness is our new mantra!

Our aim is to try to get him into some psych counselling. I know this is going to be incredibly difficult,  but that is the aim.  Dog is back to sleeping in our bedroom after son left home at midnight on his first night home after being interstate, and returned home at 7am. We know where he was so at least we know with whom and that he was warm and dry.  Not much I know, but...  

Back to to school for him on Tuesday and I will need to let them know what has transpired in the hope the school psych can get him talking.  I think son may very well have a number of issues that need to come out into the open and I am quite sure that he will open up to us, as of course parents are dirt under his shoe.  We are experiencing all the low level behaviour aimed at annoying us: throwing spoons into the sink, banging bowls on the bench, stomping through the house, slamming doors, 'playfully' hitting his dad's head with a cushion, slapping and rubbing his dad's head...trying  to provoke a response I am sure.  So, in essence, we are resolved to be very very firm, we will be doing what we do with dog training, NILIF, Nothing in Life is Free!  Hoping I can clear my head enough to start the new school term well. I am a teacher and I hate walking into a class with a clouded mind and poorly prepared. Being unprofessional is just not who I am.  

Wish us luck! 

[Beingme2017 · Accepted solution]

hi @Faob_1 yes I too was wondering how things were going, and if your son went off to camp

hope you and the family have been coping ok

[Zoesplace]

Hi @Faob_1  Welcome to the Parents forum, and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like a terrible and stressful time that your family is going through.

Everyone has the right to feel safe in their own home, so I image that it would be a very frightening situation to be in – no wonder you feel physically sick. Fortunately, I have not personally had experiences like you are dealing with, but if you feel your safety is at risk you should continue to call the police.

You could contact www.1800respect.org.au.  They are a national counselling help line and available 24/7. They will help you find support for dealing with family violence and abuse.

Was your son aggressive and violent before you suspected that he was taking drugs?

It sounds like you are not alone in coping with a violent and aggressive teen.  @Mona-RO and @taokat also have a great suggestion in regards to the ReachOut Parents Coaching, that has helped many parents that have found themselves in similar situations.

Please keep us up to date on what happens

[taokat]

Hi there @Faob_1. Firstly, welcome to the forum, I'm so glad you've come searching for some answers. It sounds like you're struggling with a very stressful situation with your son, and one I can relate well to. I'd just like to let you know that we edited your comment simply to remove the names of items your son was using against you to remain within the guidelines. I've provided a link here to the guidelines for you.

I see that you have read my comment here in the thread, but must reiterate that safety for you and your family is paramount. Violence and assault are not acceptable ways to express anger, and that applies in every and any situation. It is not okay that your son is violent towards you, and he needs to learn there are consequences for his actions. And he wants to learn them before he's at an age where he can be charged. If you are in danger and fearing for your safety, you need to call the police. We used to have police here 3 times a week for 6 months when my daughter was at her worst. You are certainly not alone in needing that assistance, and neither is your son. 

I can hear that you're at your wits end. I go to that point too. I sought counselling for me and a psychiatrist for my daughter, which was of such huge benefit. Have you tried that road as yet? I'd give the 1800RESPECT number @Zoesplace provided a go as well. 

Please let us know how you go. 

[Ngaio-RO]

Hey @Faob_1 How are things going?

It sounds like you guys are going through a really crappy time. I hope you're all getting through ok.

Please let us know if there's anything we can help with. Even if you just want to come here and vent, that's fine too.

Whatever works for you.  

[Zoesplace]

Hi @Faob_1 how have things been at home?  You mentioned in your introduction that you were having a coaching session this week to help you cope / manage your sons behaviour.  How did it go - did you come up with some ideas that would be helpful?  Would love to hear if the coaching has made a positive difference once you have had a chance to put the strategies into place.    

[Faob_1 · Accepted solution]

Hello, thankyou for asking about his. My first coaching session was very helpful and I have tried to regain some focus on my own mental health by going out for walks, some meditation with an app, and some time with my daughter shopping for a car! That's always good fun! 

On the home front, son returned from 2 weeks away. At airport told me to get out of front passenger seat as that was his place. I said no, so he took his bag out of car and started walking away. We started to drive off, tooted horn, I swapped seats and he got in and we came home. Barely engaged in conversation in car, mono syllabic replies.  Same at home, until about an hour later when he grabbed the keys to my new car, jumped in the drivers seat and immediately started to cjhekc it out. I sat in there with him, and then he started chatting about his time away with my niece, and asked if I knew this and that about her... so a brief moment of normality.

Then, all went to bed, and we heard him leave the house after midnight...dog alerted us. Tracked him on phone, believe we know which mate's home he was on his way to, his phone racking was turned off by him, and then he was on the doorstep at 7:20 this morning! All quiet, I am guessing he is asleep.

i spoke to his mate's grandmother, which is the home I believe he was at, she couldn't honestly say that was where he was, but she would most certainly ask her grandson. He spends a few nights with her, and other nights at his parent's home as G'ma is closer to his school.

i have discovered that boy has used my credit card fraudulently while my son has been away and run up several hundreds of $debt on Uber!  Needless to say card is cancelled. I have now traced well over $1000 in fraudulent use of my card. The bank will have to now be involved, as will the police. Thankfully Uber receipts are wonderfully detailed.. my son has set up the account without our knowledge and stolen my card details, and provided access to his mates! I am fearful of what that was in exchange for.

If that wasn't enough, my son received another police caution, verbal this time, for an incident that I am astonished he has not been charged for. 

A guy from corrective services is coming over in 3 hours to speak to son re the cautions, and consequences. If son shows no remorse, then I am afraid it will be up to the bank & police to take action.  I am at the point where he clearly needs a major major fall.

We have looked into sending him to a 2 week outdoor program with counselling, psychologist etc that is geared up for kids in his situation. My husband and I are standing strong and firm and united, and I will make the time to tell son that the way he treated us at the airport was unkind, hurtful and I will not tolerate that behaviour.  I think he decided to come home because he has no money and was organising to stay at his friend's G'ma's home.

Sadly, our dog is frightened of him and after two weeks of calm, she was desperate to sleep on our bed last night, so we had to move her bed into our room.  Can always trust a dog's instincts I think! 

Sorry for the ovrly wrong reply, but there you have it.   😞

[Faob_1 · Accepted solution]

That last sentence should read overly long reply!

[taokat]

Hi @Faob_1, thank you for the update, and please, don't ever apologise for a long reply. You should see some of mine!

You've got so much going on, I really feel for you. It's not easy. It's great that you and your husband are standing strong as a united team and backing each other. Not only for the support you can provide each other, but also for the benefit it will give your son. 

I'm glad you did manage to have some 'normal' time - a new car, how exciting! I'm also stoked to hear that you found the coaching session helpful, and that you are thinking about yourself and practicing self care. It can really make a difference. How is your injury now? Did you manage to get the x-ray done?

It must've been an anxious time for you in the lead up to picking your son up, worrying about how it was all going to go. I'm just wondering, what would have happened if you'd not given up your seat in the car? Would he have been able to walk home, or would he have had to have backed down to get home?  I fully understand that we have to choose our battles as we can't fight them all - too exhausting!!

Stealing from you, which is what using your credit card without authorisation is, is so heartbreaking and leaves you only a few options. My daughter bought a $1600 laptop with my PayPal account a few years ago. I was lucky to find out immediately as PayPal contacted me because I have never spent that much before. Luckily for me they were able to cancel the transaction and my money was refunded. There was big trouble and thankfully she hasn't tried anything like that again. I so hope for you all that the corrections officer can get through to your son about the trouble he is heading for if he continues on this path. It's a harsh reality, but one they need to understand. 

The outdoor program sounds fantastic! Good on you for being so proactive, as those programs can have amazing results.

Good luck with corrective services this afternoon. We all wish for best outcome for you so keep us posted.

[Zoesplace]

 @Faob_1 thanks for the update.  Sounds like things are going from bad to worse with your son.  Not only his unacceptable behaviour towards his family, but now the involvement from the police and possible criminal charges.  You must be tearing your hair out!!!  

Glad to hear that you had some positive moments in your week too - spending quality time with your daughter, your coaching session and time for yourself.  When things are so hard, it is so easy to lose sight of the positive moments.  Remember to keep looking after your own mental health- which will make it a little bit easier to cope with everything that is going on at the moment. 

[Faob_1 · Accepted solution]

And...it's Sunday morning and I am sitting in the police station while the police officer types up the report regarding son's fraudulent use of my credit card.  As the officer bemoans the fact that young boys are no longer taken down the back of the shed and 'sorted out', he warns me that this may just receive another caution as they are desperate to keep juveniles out of the justice system.  Son seems to think cautions are a joke, so it is water off a duck's back as far as he is concerned. 

We realise that this fraud is obviously payment for something. What though is the question. The guy from corrective services almost had son crack yesterday, there was a hint of tears, then son pulled himself together, and stormed out the door, returning for dinner, which he refused to eat at the dining table with us.

This morning he was offered a cooked breakfast, was told what he asked for was ready, said he didn't want it, so our dog had a lovely egg and pancakes. Son came out of his room a couple minutes later to discover his food was gone, and dog was happy! Consequences consequences consequences and firmness is our new mantra!

Our aim is to try to get him into some psych counselling. I know this is going to be incredibly difficult,  but that is the aim.  Dog is back to sleeping in our bedroom after son left home at midnight on his first night home after being interstate, and returned home at 7am. We know where he was so at least we know with whom and that he was warm and dry.  Not much I know, but...  

Back to to school for him on Tuesday and I will need to let them know what has transpired in the hope the school psych can get him talking.  I think son may very well have a number of issues that need to come out into the open and I am quite sure that he will open up to us, as of course parents are dirt under his shoe.  We are experiencing all the low level behaviour aimed at annoying us: throwing spoons into the sink, banging bowls on the bench, stomping through the house, slamming doors, 'playfully' hitting his dad's head with a cushion, slapping and rubbing his dad's head...trying  to provoke a response I am sure.  So, in essence, we are resolved to be very very firm, we will be doing what we do with dog training, NILIF, Nothing in Life is Free!  Hoping I can clear my head enough to start the new school term well. I am a teacher and I hate walking into a class with a clouded mind and poorly prepared. Being unprofessional is just not who I am.  

Wish us luck!