Son's school and depression issues

[Nikkita]

Hi
I'm a single mum of a 14 year old boy who has depression, anxiety and anger management issues. He's thought about self harming & told me he's sat there with a tool.
He's done drugs, alcohol & smokes. At the moment he's only smoking & he's been on antidepressants for a month but he doesn't feel they are helpIng.
He has serious abandonment issues regarding his biological father who he has never met. His "dad" has never supported us in any way & i recently made contact with him in the hopes he would reach out to our son but it hasn't eventuated.
My son was suspended from school 4x last year, mainly for fighting, defending friends. He got into trouble in class most of the time, being rude & disruptive. He had also been in trouble with the police.
This year he wanted to make a change as he didn't like the person he was becoming. We went to the Drs, which was huge, he hadn't wanted to attend any heath appointments.
He was told last week at school he could change subjects & then the school told me he couldn't & had to prove his behaviour had changed. As they have noticed he's made changes but sometimes slips back to old behaviour.
I knew he would take this news very hard & he's just about given up.
There was a school incident yesterday.
He's very negative about his future. He was talking about what the point in life, what's the point in making an effort at school, said his life basically sucks and isn't worth living. I sat up with him for hours trying to get him to change his mind set.
He's very angry & I'm worried something will happen at school today.
He's talking about using violence if someone gets in his face. I've said repeatedly violence isn't the solution & he'll end up expelled. He's so angry. I'm worried about school & if he does get expelled he says he doesn't want to go to another school.
I'm sick with anxiety & worry over him.
I've had a long history of depression myself.
When he came to me, I confided in him that I knew how he felt.
He now thinks he'll have to battle depression for as long as I have. My latest bout started off with post natal depression. I've been off medication for about 6 months.
He has only started talking to a guidance officer but won't talk to anyone else.
I'm extremely concerned he's about to tip over the edge & explode.
I've told him I don't know how to help him if he keeps thinking fighting is a solution.
He says he feels numb. I explained that's depression.
He doesn't sleep or eat well.
I'm just so scared and worried.

[Jay-RO]

Hi there @Nikkita,

Just letting you know that I edited out the self-harm tool mention from your post as it goes against our community guidelines. 

I noticed you were providing some amazing support to other users yesterday, thank you!

It sounds like there is a lot going on for you and your son right now. It's great that your son wanted to make a change in himself and went to the drs with you as well as talking to a guidance counselor, even though it's only one person, it's still something and that can often be the hardest step for some to take. 

You've mentioned some problems at school, is there anyone at school who you can talk to for support with your son? 

I was also wondering if you are seeing anyone, such as a psychologist or counselor for yourself? I can see from your post that you care a lot about your son, and that is such a wonderful quality, though it's just as important to take care of ourselves too. There is also Parentsline if you don't feel comfortable talking face-to-face with someone. What do you think?

I'm also going to tag in some other members for their amazing support, @sunflowermom, @compassion, @taokat, @Faob_1, @Schooner, @JAKGR8

[WhaeaM]

Hi Nikkita .. gosh you've got a lot going on.  God bless you.  I am wondering if you have thought of the big brother programme?  I'm not sure how it works but I am sure there are adult males who will fulfill the role in a small way of having a male influence in your boys life.   It might help.  I'm sorry I don't have any contact details but if you google I am sure something will come up.  You are a brave Mama.. never stop telling your boy you love him and for every situation look at the glass half full, not half empty approach.  Cheers.

[Nikkita]

Hi
Thank you for replying.
I've only just started talking to a psychologist.
He has been talking to the guidance officer at school, who really seems to care & want to help.
My son had a misunderstanding with his best friend today & it all spiralled from there.
He punched a wall at school. Cut open his hand, it's bruised & swollen. Luckily it's not broken, we got it xrayed.
He needs help controlling his emotions.
I have made him an appointment to see the gp to get a mental health care plan started. I really hope he'll talk to someone.

[Nikkita]

Hi
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I could look it up. I don't know how receptive my son would be to it. It would be great if he gave it a go.
Life is pretty hard at the moment. I do tell him I love him & I'm here to support him. It's nice to hear him tell me he loves me too.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Nikkita,

Seeing the GP sounds like a really great step forward. A lot of GPs are linked in with local services and may be able to point you in the direction of more supports. 

I am wondering if you would be interested in our parents coaching service which offers one-on-one appointment to help you better support your teenager? It is also completely free

[Nikkita]

Hi Jess
Thank you so much for the suggestion. I have just finished registering & made my first appointment.
I feel scared. I want to help my son work through his depression & learn to manage his frustration & anger but when he says things like nothing can help or I like how it feels to punch a wall (I'm thinking the release of the built up emotions) or he doesn't want to talk to anyone else (he talks to his guidance officer), I start to feel really anxious & helpless because it's like alarm bells ringing.
I know what depression feels like & I know how hard it is when you are struggling & it's scary when you know what your child has to face.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Nikkita I am so glad to hear you have signed up! I hope you find the service helpful 

It sounds like you have a personal understanding of exactly what he is going through and can empathise with the feelings of depression and the journey ahead of him. That understanding will be a real benefit to supporting him forward  

You mentioned alarm bells ringing and how some of the things he says makes you concerned. I think the fact that you are able to recognise these alarm bells is so important- it sounds like you know what to look for and what the more concerning comments are. I can imagine it must be so hard for him to feel like nothing is working, and sometimes that helplessness and hopelessness can be felt by those supporting someone with depression too. Under that pain, he is still there and there is definitely hope for him, particularly with the understanding and supportive parent he has in you. I am holding hope for you and your son 

[Gordi]

Hi there I'm gordi just signed up with reach out. As I was reading thru your information you mentioned big brother program. What. Do they do as I'm a single mum with teenage son refusing school won't do home schooling has hormonal attitude nos becoming lazy infact my story is very very similar to the lady you replied to. He has anxiety and has had a cpl of bouts of showing signs of depression of which he said that it's school that makes him depressed. Anyways big brother program is maybe what my boy needs he hasn't had much of a relationship with him dad it was very hostile violent and toxic. I've noticed how much my son gets very close with the cpl male friends that I have I see his heart craving for male/father figure closeness and male bonding so I'm wondering if you would be kind enough to give me more information or there details. 😁

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@WhaeaM wrote:

Hi Nikkita .. gosh you've got a lot going on.  God bless you.  I am wondering if you have thought of the big brother programme?  I'm not sure how it works but I am sure there are adult males who will fulfill the role in a small way of having a male influence in your boys life.   It might help.  I'm sorry I don't have any contact details but if you google I am sure something will come up.  You are a brave Mama.. never stop telling your boy you love him and for every situation look at the glass half full, not half empty approach.  Cheers.

---

[Philippa-RO]

Hi @Gordi and welcome to the ReachOut forums.
I'm so sorry to hear about the challenges your son is having with not wanting to go to school.
There are some helpful threads on our forums and information on our website  about school refusal that might be worth looking at if you're interested.

I notice you mentioned that your relationship with your son's dad was violent and toxic - that sounds really traumatic and it must have been a lot for you both to manage.
Can I ask if you or your son have any support with that?
If not, do you think he'd be interested in talking to a service like kids helpline or maybe seeing a GP for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist?

Re: mentoring programs, they can be a great option.
This is the link for big brothers big sisters - if you think it would be helpful, it might be worth getting in touch with them to have a chat about what they offer.

I'm so glad you came to the forums for support - we're here any time you need to talk. Please feel free to start your own thread if you'd like to.