Soon to be 16, increasing issues

[WAMUM]

Hello all,

I can't tell you my relief when I found this board tonight.
I have a soon to be 16 year old daughter, she's the eldest of 4.

We've had ongoing issues, and she has a paed, psych and is now attending CAMHS. They've given multiple diagnosis, medicated her for them, and then taken back the diagnosis MULTIPLE times. Currently she's sitting on a diagnosis of PTSD complex, but previously we have had bipolar, ADHD, BPD, depression, anxiety.

She had a serious addiction to social media, and lived an extremely fake life on there, full of lies, and messaging multiple boys declaring her love for them.
We removed access to social media apps on her phone, yet she would steal devices in the house to get her fix, and go back to the same behaviour of declaring her love to anyone who would say hello. We've now blocked social media using our modem, across ALL devices. We know she still gets her fix using friends phones at school.

She is constantly violent to her younger siblings. Whether a shove or a slap, she will deny it. She never does anything. We produce her with video footage taken from the house cameras, and she will change the story to how they were annoying her. Often in these videos, they're just walking past. It is nearly always an attack from behind.

She steals food, and random small objects from everyone in the home. The smallest most ridiculous things, but still, they belong to someone else..She will then write her name on them and claim it was always hers.

She is a victim in every story she tells. Never takes responsibility for anything.
I have repeatedly been in touch with all the workers involved in her life, and really feel liKe the system isnt set up to help the family at all.

I've done a triple p parenting course, I have contacted the school counsellors. She's up to her 8th high school. She creates so much drama, and is such a victim, they've become unsafe for her and she's had to move, on recommendation.

Tonight, I am at my wits end. Her sibling screamed out in pain. She denied doing anything. Footage showed her hitting sibling from behind. She now says, sibling bounced past her and it annoyed her. Whether sibling bounced or not, she had no right to hit, but video shows there was no bouncing.

Go into her room to discuss expectations regarding violence in our home, and she's propped up on the bed, no remorse, writing a dozen love letters, presumably to send by carrier pigeon?

I want my other children to feel safe, and know that it's not acceptable for her to hit them. I just don't know how to go about that.

[JAKGR8]

Dear @WAMUM  I am glad you found us. Welcome.  You really sound like you are heavily involved in your daughter's life and trying your best to create a safe and happy family space. 

It sounds like you have been through the wringer trying to work out diagnosis and treatment for your daughter. Unfortunately, trauma can be a precursor for so many anti social disorders and it seems to make professionals avoid labelling the issue.  Most of the time therapy is the only treatment available for a while and I assume medication isn't available or desired. Having said that, not all therapy/therapists are equal. Do you need to consider other treatments like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or EMDR? I'm not sure. Maybe you have. Wouldn't it be nice to have a quick fix? 

With Triple P did you do positive parenting strategies? Teens do respond to positive rather than reactive discipline and you might like to google that. 

I have to rush off but just wanted to let you know you have been heard. Will tag some other great parents  @PapaBill  @Dad4good @Faob_1 @sunflowermom @compassion 

Big hugs

[Janine-RO]

Hi @WAMUM , 

Welcome to the parents community, I'm so glad that you've found this space. You sound like an incredibly strong and caring parent to your daughter and other kids, and it sounds like you have done a lot to find different supports for your daughter. Supporting a child through complex mental health issues, especially when you have other kids involved, is an incredibly challenging thing, so I just wanted to acknowledge how much strength and courage you've shown posting here. I hear how much you have been doing for your daughter, and your worry about the safety of your other kids. 

@JAKGR8  has given some great advice and support, and I know that we have quite a few other members here who have supported their kids through complex issues, you're not alone, and the community is here for you. 

It's great that your daughter is attending CAMHS, it sounds like the kind of multidisciplinary team that they can provide might be helpful for your daughter, but I can understand how frustrating it must be when diagnoses and treatments/ medications keep changing. It can be a challenge finding the right combination of medication/treatment approaches that work for the individual. You also mention that she's attended a number of schools, is she currently engaged with a support team at school for the upcoming school year? 

I hear your frustration about a lack of supports for the rest of your family, and I'm wondering if the rest of your children , and yourselves, have been connected with a mental health professional or counsellor to help equip them with tools to help them manage the situation at home? Do you think seeing your GP for a mental health plan for your other children could be an option that could be helpful for you? 

In terms of their safety - I agree with you, that they need and deserve to feel safe in their home. Has your daughter's mental health team suggested any strategies for when she is becoming physically violent? 

Thank you for reaching out here, I can imagine that all of this must take an enormous toll on you as a parent - we are here to support you.