Door open or closed

[Beingme2017]

Daughter 16 has a best friend male almost 18. Have been good friends for about 6 mths . She likes him more than friends and has told him . He has said he doesn't like her in that way but he values their friendship . Since then they have gotten closer friends . She still says he doesn't like her in that way

This weekend she wants him to come over and help her with an assignment on a program she doesn't know how to use yet

She wants them to do that at her desk in her bedroom then hang out a bit . With her door shut


I am torn . I don't think anything would be initiated by either of them but I just dont feel comfortable

She will possibly hate me forever if I make her keep door open . She has been at his place once so far and was in his room and door was shut as his parent know they are just friends . Apparently

Help

Edited to Add - she is trustworthy , never had a boyfriend and shy in that way . We have a quite open honest relationship

[TOM-RO]

Hey there @Beingme2017 thanks for your post, you're daughter is lucky to have such a concerned mum =)

It sounds like you have some hesitations about voicing where your boundaries ("rules") in your home are?

[Mona-RO]

Hi @Beingme2017 this may seem like an obvious question but what was your reaction to your daughter when she said she wants to have the door shut? I'm wondering where the conversation ended at?

[Beingme2017]

Hi @Mona-RO

I said I don't feel comfortable with it and she had plenty of comebacks as to why she should have it closed

It ended with me saying I will think about it and sleep on it

[Mona-RO]

@Beingme2017 hmm it's a tricky one isn't it? It's so great though that you do find your daughter trustworthy. It sounds like the discomfort you're feeling is about your idea of what is appropriate and what's not in general - and not about your daughter in particular. Correct me if I'm wrong.

How would it be if you told her this, that while you do trust her, this is about your views and what you're comfortable with and you'd like to have certain rules/boundaries (as @TOM-RO said) in your home. If you let her know this isn't personal, maybe she'll see your point of view? 

[Beingme2017]

@Mona-RO that is exactly my struggle yes

I like that angle Thankyou

[LovingThruBlue]

Hi @Beingme2017. If it helps... in my house  ... door open. Just a crack. Because it makes me feel more comfortable. But I understand where you're coming from because if it is questioned I don't know what my answer will be. 

[Zoesplace]

Hi @Beingme2017 Sorry for my late reply... I note that your daughters best male friend was due to come over this week end - so the moment has already passed!

It is tricky when your kids start bringing friends over (of the opposite gender) and want to spend private time alone in a bedroom. It sounds like your daughter and her friend want different things in their relationship.   She wants more than friendship (but is shy in that way) and he just wants to be friends. 

If having the door open will make you feel more comfortable then the door should stay open.  It could also make your daughter and her friend feel more comfortable too. Sounds like your daughter and her friend want different things in the relationship, having the door open will help take the pressure off any expectations and could reduce some of that nervous activity that would normally be associated with being alone in a bedroom together.  

Good luck!

[Beingme2017]

thanks @Zoesplace, it was today actually so you weren't too late

However I had the chat with my daughter yesterday and she was very unimpressed and reacted very angrily and hurtfully to me. Was indignant about me not trusting her and the fact that if that was my decision then she wasn't going to keep being the trustworthy daughter she has been!

An hour or so later though she texted me (I had gone out) full of apologies, acknowledging she would probably do the same if she was a parent and that she is lucky I care about her so much.

And she decided she was going to go to his place instead!!!

Now the messages were lovely and heartfelt and I respected all that.

The solution of going to his place instead could be seen as a "f#%$ you" to my rules - but knowing my daughter as I do and her anxiety has been quite high lately it was the best way for her to manage the situation and at the end of the day I felt it was reasonable. She also told me she would feel ok with the door open next time when he does come to ours.

This was the first of many situations I will struggle to navigate I know.....

[Breez-RO]

Hey @Beingme2017 how are you feeling about it now? Any updates from her?

Just want to note I love that you are able to take the time out and shift your perspective so as to see things from your daughter's point of view - acknowledging she has been quite anxious lately etc. My experience with adolescent's is often they don't really feel heard; it's great to see a parent who can appreciate the turbulence of being a teenager.