Unable to stop “hating” daughter’s exboyfriend

[Canada1970]

Hi Hannah!

Hope this message finds you safe and sound.

Thanks for the message!  I really appreciate the interaction with you.  It gives me another outlet to talk, maybe grieve a little.

I think that things have settled for the time being.  Nothing has been told to my daughter, so I think for now that he's given up that avenue of attention.

Last week the ex-BF saw my daughter in person!  The meeting was accidental, as I was doing school pickup.  As I was facing the friends walking toward my daughter, I could see the entire sidewalk all the way to the school.  As my daughter ran over to hug and greet one of her best friends that she hasn't seen for sometime, she did not realize that her ex-BF was behind her friends.  The ex-BF saw her and stopped and then turned and took a few steps back and then stopped.  His friends seemed to ask why he stopped, but I could not tell if he said anything.  My daughter was laughing, smiling and talking and was very excited to see her friends, that she did not notice her ex until her friend told her that he was right behind her friends.  Julia looked up and she saw him and he definitely saw her.

As Julia and her friends walked back to my car, the ex and his friends followed at a distance.  When he was approaching my car, he kept his head down and was not talking.  We drove around and passed him with his friends while exiting the school.  The other kids told me that he was pointing at my car, he knows it well, so without doubt they finally saw each other, but had no interaction.

My daughter handled the situation very well, as she did not recognize him and mistook his friend for the ex.  Then she realized it was him and continued as if he wasn't there.  There was no pause or panic in her actions at all.  She really came from a place of confidence and strength.  Her friends were concerned that she might panic or cry, and were thrilled at how she handled it.

Julia has had dreams about her ex since first seeing him weeks ago and she has been "mourning" what could have been, if he never went on sabbatical, etc.  She knows that she has to deal with the reality of their relationship and not dwell on potential, but knowing and seeing him and the ex seeing her is like an expected "rewounding" that we thought would happen next year.  She has a therapy session soon and will mention everything to her therapist for clarity, etc.  So far, she has seen him every week when we do pickup, and each week she is less and less affected by him.

I think that life is just moving on and we are coping and healing little by little.  Today when we saw him, she and I felt sad because he just doesn't seem the same at all.  His "aura" or "spark" is gone.  He looks like a typical 14 year old boy, not the same as how we perceived him at all.  I still feel for the child, because he is a child and seems very sad and confused.  I still maintain that I would help him even to this day, because he is a child in a difficult situation who has gone through so much.  As before, the ball is in his court.  All he has to do is reach out.

Thank you again for being a wonderful avenue to discuss these difficult emotions.  I will keep you posted as this situation progresses!

Stay Safe!

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Canada1970, we are so glad that you find our forums to be a helpful space to share. You are most welcome to continue sharing your story. It sounds like the breakup was really hard on your daughter and understandbly so. However, it is great to hear that she handled the interaction with her ex really well. These moments can be really difficult to handle and sometimes you don't know what will happen until it does.

I do want to add that you sound like a really wonderful and caring Mum! Your daughter is so lucky to have such a supportive influence guiding her through this experience. It is also really great that she is engaged weekly with a therapist so that she is able to talk or work through any issues that arise

[Canada1970]

Hi Taylor:

Thank you for the message and the support!  We've had more issues come up recently.

Apparently, the ex is continuing to say bad things about my daughter and their relationship that are hurtful.  He is now saying that he never loved my daughter, that she catfished him and that he was bored.  My daughter is just tired of it all and told her side to the individual that brought this info to her to ask the individual (who is a friend of the ex) to ask the ex to stop, just stop talking about her.  She also reached out to a mutual friend (as she cannot contact the ex since he blocked her from all contact) to ask that he ask the ex to stop.  

Apparently, the ex has been caught lying about facts of their relationship and lying in general.  As a result, an adult relative of the ex reached out to my daughter and told her to move on and to ignore what is being said.  My daughter responded stating that she will defend herself, if asked her side of the story.  The conversation appears to be one-sided, in that there is no care to tell the ex to stop, but more so blaming my daughter (who has had no friends contact or say anything to the ex, which is the opposite of the ex's friends) and asking her to ignore the gossip and accusations (some that have bad consequences) and if there is an issue to speak with the ex's family.  My daughter does not want to do that, since it is obvious that they are trying to protect the ex (which is to be expected), without correcting his behaviour and asking my daughter to put up with the character damning gossip and accusations.

One of the accusations, in which the ex told a friend that my daughter told him to "kill himself" is continuing to spread, as the ex's friend made mention of it.  This is the accusation that angers me, because this is potentially damaging to my daughter.  Her friends have spoken up and protected my daughter when this accusation surfaces, but the fact that it continues to "spread" is worrying my daughter and I.  She has been very "tired" since all this transpired 1 week ago and has withdrawn from her normal activities to "sleep."

So after speaking with a colleague about any concerns (legally) of this type of accusation, we are taking the approaching of contacting her school to advise that the issue is continuing and to ask that they get my conversation with them on record and in my daughter's records, in the event that it does become a bigger issue.  We also spoke with our daughter about taking the point of responding when gossip and accusations (unless severe and she has to defend herself) come up of, "Oh not again, why can't he just stop."  The hope is that this type of response will make the gossip and accusation seem like it's a lie that the ex and his friends continue to perpetuate and that my daughter knows is a lie and is tired of.

Additionally, I asked that if the adult member of her ex's family contacts her again to let them know that she is a minor and that they are an adult and should not contact her and that she will be telling me so that I will speak with them.

She sees her therapist this coming Monday, so I am sure we will have solid advice about what to do, etc.

Thank you for this opportunity to speak out and "vent" my frustrations and concerns!  I am trying to not be too involved, but involved enough to watch what is happening and acting as needed.  This can be incredibly frustrating.

I hope you are all well and will keep you all posted...

Thanks again!

[Andrea-RO]

Hello @Canada1970, thanks for giving us a bit of an update on what has been going on for you and your daughter lately. I am sorry to hear that you are still experiencing issues with the ex saying bad things about your daughter. That sounds like a really awful situation for you to both be in. It is nice that your daughters’ friends have been there for her and supporting her around some of the accusations that have been said. I hope that your daughter does not have to experience these issues for much longer as it sounds like a very hard thing to experience. It sounds like you and your daughters’ friends have been very supportive of your daughter so far, which is really awesome. I am sure your daughter appreciates it too. It is also really great that your daughter will be seeing a therapist on Monday, I hope that she finds the extra support to be helpful during these times

[Butterfly51]

Wow,this was very similar to what happened with my daughter and her ex boyfriend he too stayed at our house all day and would leave at like 2am but he didn't have his license yet but my daughter did and would be taken him home and picking him up he too had a bad home life he would always ask if he could just live here because I was more like his mom than his mom he has bad depression and anxiety .. they broke up the first my daughter broke it off and they had no contact for 2 months but 2 months later here he comes they get back together then 3 months later he breaks up with her then dates a girl who he dated in middle school who tried to get involved in their relationship before drama is all I am going to say then 2 months later he message my daughter and ask to meet her so they meet up he tells her he knows what they have is love and that he has nothing with this girl because he wants to be with my daughter my daughter said look I don't think it's a good idea for us to do that .. he tells her ok but I want you to know it's real what we have and you never know what can happen in the future . Well he tells her let's keep in touch I still want to talk with you well a week later he blocks her on everything is back with this girl then breaks up with her and adds my daughter on snap again ... during ththis my daughter finds out 2 of her friends aren't really friends at all and started drama do now the people she thought she could trust she can't I feel bad for her and am thinking of reaching out to her ex boyfriend to tell him that if he cared for her at all she could really use a friend right now ! But not sure I too miss this kid so much and worry about him with his awful home life

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @Butterfly51 

Thanks for sharing this with us, I'm sure other parents on this thread will appreciate that you've shared and knowing they're not alone. It sounds like you're getting pretty worried that your daughter doesn't have any support networks outside of the family at the moment now she isn't seeing her boyfriend and has fallen out with her friends - is that right?

It sounds like she is really lucky to have you looking out for her, maybe you could try and do a nice activity with her to let her know that you're thinking about her?

I'm also wondering if you know of any youth services in your area that might be a good place for her to get some support and meet some new people? Maybe like a local sports team?

Your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner, thanks for reaching out for some support here, it really shows how deeply you care about her 

[crazysadmum]

Im so glad, I have come across this forum and reading everything as I was convinced that I was crazy and was obsessed with my daughters ex bf as I seem to be taking longer to get over their break up than my daughter.

My daughter who was 16 at the time met her 17 year old boyfriend and they spent the first year together very much in love and happy.

He was in foster care and had been after a traumatic childhood and event that took place when he was 10.

He ran away from his foster mother due to his anger issues and depression and as he had no where else to go he came to live with me, my husband and younger daughter.

Even though he had bouts of depression throughout this first year, they were so happy and they lived for each other.

Then lockdown came, he lost his job, lost his new flat, his grandfather died and slowely he did more with his own family who dramatically changed his personality or brought out the real boy that was always there.

I cared so much for him like a son, brought him all his clothes, took him everywhere and i loved him like my own.

They were together another year, but he finished with my daughter 3 times during this second year over the course of between 5 and three weeks he would disappear, delete all her pictures and write single on all social media and would block her also.

He came back for the final time in November and they were happy up until  feb when my daughter turned 18, he gave her no present or card and then they just fell apart.

He left begining of March for a week, again deleted every trace of her and came back after a week begging her to look after him as he was suicidal and depressed. She stayed with him in her room for 10 days, day and night and after the 10 days said he was breaking up with her for good.

He has been gone now for 5 weeks and my daughter told me that during their rekationship he had cheated on her numerous times and each time he went on a break would ask girls to meet him.

He had blocked all of us now as a family, deleted every pic, tag and after 2 weeks iphas another girlfriendvwho is all over his social media.

He has also blamed my daughter, who us the sweetest thing and would have given him the world and has said horrible things about us as a family.

I am so hurt by all his lies, and how this has effected my daughter who is now on antidepressants as well as my self. My husband and i have now separated as of 30 years due partly because of all the arguments and lies during his tine living with us.

i still care for him so much and wish him well, would love to talk to him but cant as he has blocked us and hates us and feels no guilt or thinks that any of this is his fault and he is happy with his new gf.

He has no family positive support or role models and i am very worried about what will happen to him but he is no longer a part of our family but i still care even after everything.

[MaryRO]

Hello @crazysadmum,

Very sorry to hear that you and your family have endured so much due to supporting and caring for your daughter's ex. it must be so difficult to let him go and to accept that a person you cared so much for has left and blocked any contact with you all. It's understandable that you would all be so hurt by him saying so many horrible things and your daughter knowing she was cheated on by this boy, after all the help you have all provided him.

Indeed, sometimes when children who enter the system become confused and have a lot of emotions come to the surface when they begin to engage with their biological family. They can relive their trauma and act from a hurt place. As the saying goes, "hurt people, hurt people". As he is legally an adult, he may be trying to find his identity and understand who he is. This can be difficult with mental illness; however it is a process that most find essential. He may come back in a positive light one day and it will be up to you and your family if you are willing to take another chance on him. Some even stay away for several years, before they approach their loved one and supports for forgiveness and to make amends again. I understand that this may be difficult for you to think about, it's just to state that this can be a normal process of events. If the shame is not too much for him to bare, he may open the door for contact again later down the track, although right now he has no remorse.

Is there any chance of you and your husband reconnecting again and supporting each other through this tough time? 30 years is a long time to be married and it seems like you would have been through a lot together.

Can you try to find some support for yourself and your daughter? It sounds like it might be beneficial for you both to look after each other during this time and lend yourselves some of this care that you have given to her ex. Hopefully you are able to direct some of that love and care to yourselves and each other at this time. It seems like you all have a lot of love to give and it must be difficult to give it to someone who is rejecting it and not recycling it right now. Wishing you and your family the best.

[crazysadmum]

Thank you so much for replying, it was great to not feel so alone and being able to talk to someone as I am unable to actually express the amount of pain and suffering he has caused and is continuing to cause my daughter and I.

I think that he will never be friends with us again, he just phoned on no caller id to say that he never wants to see any of us again, he will not expect my apology and that he hates us all and that we meant nothing to him.

I realise that he has moved on (2 weeks after breaking up with my daughter) but I thought that yes I have done things that I shouldn’t but as he was living with us I had to.

I have no right to be in his life any more and I thought that as we were so close that he would still value my friendship, guidance and support as he has no one apart from his new girlfriend who he is so in love with on social media and I suppose her new family. I hope that he will treat her a little better.

My daughter is scared to leave the house as of all the lies and threats he has made towards her and I cannot understand after all our love, money, time and caring like a mother for him that he can be so utterly mean and shows no remorse at al. 

Is it because of his tragic upbringing and being in the system that he pushes everyone that loves him away by lying and having bad temper? Im trying to explain to my daughter that it is not her fault and explain and try to justify his behaviour. This was her first relationship and lasted over two years. He was lovely for the first 6 months but then started to change and Im not saying that my daughter is perfect but she gave him everything, loved him so much and would never have cheated as he left her 3 times and cheated with no remorse numerous times.Because they lived together during lockdown and as he had no where else to go it felt that they had been together for ever. 

His depression and anger as well as never really knowing what kind of mood he would be in towards the end has been heartbreaking to watch. And now seeing him move on so quick and being so nasty really is so unfair.

I still care a great deal and I know my daughter does as well, I only hope one day that he will realise all that we did for him and be friends again.

[Mel3115]

I feel we have had a similar experience. My daughter started dating her boyfriend when she was couple months shy of 15. Everything was wonderful for first 10 months or so, he became part of the family and because we were in lockdown  he stayed with us and she stayed with his family (who absolute love her) . Prob 4 months or so before they broke up she noticed a change in him he only wanted to see her once a week he always hanging with his friends or on his PlayStation and he kept going to sleep without saying goodnight to her. She brought it up a number of times and he always said he didn’t want to break up with her and he would try harder but he didn’t so eventually she broke up with him in the hope he would really miss her. His mum was devastated, my daughter  was devastated, I was devastated (as I treated him like one of my kids) and he appeared devastated. Well that lasted one week. She found out one of her so called  ‘friends’ on Snapchat began talking to him straight away and this girl met up with him 2 weeks after My daughter broke up with him and they had sex. This girl then told enough people for it to get back to My daughter and he also put on his Insta story a photo of the new girl wearing nothing but the jumper my daughter bought for  him for his birthday with her legs wrapped around him. We all saw it as we all followed him on Insta, I then sent him an angry text which he never replied to. It has been 2 months since the breakup and he has been dating the new girl ever since 2 weeks after My daughter broke up with him. His mum is pretty upset with him and is hoping the new relationship doesn’t last and that my daughter will reconcile with him one day. She won’t as she is very very hurt and I can’t seem to get past the anger I feel for him. We are in lockdown yet again and it’s getting me down. How do I get past this?