communication between parents and teenagers

[4mybabies]

hi i have 3 teenage boys 14,14, and 15 yr olds i am having a huge problem with them not wanting to communicate with there father when they are with me, they attend his place every 2nd weekend now my twin boys have refused the last month, i have tried everything to  facilitate this and encourage it immensely to the point i am getting cranky about it, i asked why they don't want to and my oldest says " i text him this morning or i already spoke to him, my ex does contact them everyday with a text or a call, i don't have a issue with it its when my ex then starts attacking me and blaming me for the non response from the boys, please any advice would be helpful with this.there were a few incidences that may have contributed to it but i am questioning myself am i doing enough.

[Sister · Accepted solution]

Hello @4mybabies,

You seem to be doing all that there is possible. It is not your fault that your sons choose not to communicate with their dad. They are at the age where they are exhibiting their independence....not just from their father but maybe from you too.

You don't deserve to be attacked or blamed for something that is out of your control. I would politely but firmly explain this to your ex again...that you have tried to encourage the visits and communication but your sons are becoming old enough to decide for themselves. Could you encourage your ex to sit down with the boys and find out why they no longer wish to visit? 

Regarding the "few incidences that may have contributed to it", maybe this is something you need to dissect further (?)

Let us know how you go.

[Sister · Accepted solution]

Hello @4mybabies,

You seem to be doing all that there is possible. It is not your fault that your sons choose not to communicate with their dad. They are at the age where they are exhibiting their independence....not just from their father but maybe from you too.

You don't deserve to be attacked or blamed for something that is out of your control. I would politely but firmly explain this to your ex again...that you have tried to encourage the visits and communication but your sons are becoming old enough to decide for themselves. Could you encourage your ex to sit down with the boys and find out why they no longer wish to visit? 

Regarding the "few incidences that may have contributed to it", maybe this is something you need to dissect further (?)

Let us know how you go.

[taokat]

Hey @4mybabies, I relate to you being abused and blamed for your son's not wanting to see their father, and I agree with @Sister - it's not your fault and is now outside of your control. From this age they can decide what they wish to do, and it sounds as if their dad has contributed to them not wanting to go, which again, is out of your control.

My ex abuses me and tells me I'm brainwashing my daughter against him, although he has chosen never to be part of her life after we separated when she was a baby. She sought him out a few years ago, they met, she wasn't impressed and has chosen not to see him again or have contact with him. He became nasty and spiteful with both of us, but still blames me entirely. 

It's stressful when you're stuck in the middle and it's very understandable that you're getting cranky. The unfair pressure you are under to 'get your boys to comply' builds up, and you are really stuck between a rock and a hard place with no control over what happens. 

All I can say is it sounds as though you are doing, and have done, plenty to try and encourage the relationship between the boys and their father. I think all you can do is calmly explain this to your ex, see if you can talk to him about what may have contributed to the boys' decision, but let him know that if becomes abusive that you will end the call and not respond to abusive messages. That way you're setting some boundaries with your husband, which in such hurtful and frustrating situations is really empowering. 

Do you think their dad would be open to a family meeting so you could all hear each other and work out a way forward? 

[4mybabies]

i have found out since that my son was told  by his father that " he didnt give a bleep if he didnt want to come here anymore, after my son told him he didnt want to come there anymore, he also said his being picked on by his 21 yr old sister who lives there, i have confronted him about this and i get its none of my business and the boys are sooks, i think there is more to it, but my son refuses to see a counsellor, i am in over my head.

[4mybabies]

i have offered for my ex to attend counselling he refuses, he just keeps blaming me, my ex denies everything that the boys have told me and wont have a bar of it at all, and i have a 2 yr old who will be having overnights soon with him too, my exe's attitude is concerning enough now about the whole situation.

[mariajanes]

You need to change the way of communication. I think if you will satrt using some social media platform which your sons are using & engage with them via post like, reshare or a comment, then you can change their mind. It is a slow process but chances are there that your sons will react in a positive way.

[Kathy215]

Hey everyone! Join the community and the pre-hype with the app offspring. Almost 40,000,000 parents nationwide!
I’m super excited for this app to be in my my sons school system. Could use the help haha.

[kvongsanan6]

amazing