17 year old girl still at school causing unrest in house

[Star14]

Hi feeling like I need some help.  I am a white woman in a relationship with a muslim guy.  I love him dearly.  We live together.  However in July his 17 year old sister turned up out of the blue having been disowned by her parents for wearing shorts in the heat. 

She has gone from having no freedom to having too much and my partner has no children so he doesnt understand that what she is doing is wrong.  

She goes out straight from college without coming home.  Comes in at 10 pm (sometimes its been 11.45 pm on a school night),doesnt say hello, doesnt say goodbye,  doesnt let us know where she's going or who with, doesnt ask us if its ok to go out, doesnt pull her weight around the house, tells us that she is staying out overnight rather than asking if its ok.  Expects me to act as a housekeeper rather than participating in family life.  I have a 22 year old daughter who lives half with her boyfriend and half here but I set boundaries with her and she doesnt step over them.   My partner is so worried about his sister leaving that our relationship is suffering and yet we rarely had disagreements before she came. 

His answer is to do and say nothing and it will all go away but friends are saying she is treating the house like a hotel and being disrespectful. 

I dont know what to do as I've not been in this situation before but I dont want my relationship to suffer because of it and i'm constantly tearful and cant work.  

She is studying for A Levels and has a new boyfriend.  

Advice would be greatly appreciated.

[gina-Ro]

Hey @Star14  - welcome to our forum - happy you're here but sad to hear the circumstances that have brought you. 

That sounds really difficult... so tricky when there are two different standards being set. It must be hard for your partner to know how to relate to his sister in this new context  - very different relationship to being a parent, but also very different to being siblings, considering he is providing her with somewhere to live, and she is still a minor. 

It sounds like you've already done this - but an open and honest conversation with your partner would be a good place to start  - if you've already done this, how did it go? If not - how do you think he'll respond?

Hoping others are able to jump in here too - @jajealch @sunflowermom @Happy @CoogeeMagic2018 @hippy_mum @HippyMum  @PositiveWhisper

[Star14]

Thank you for your support it all came to a head last night it is really difficult for my partner as he doesn't want to lose his sister and doesn't want to lose me so is Piggy in the Middle he I think has realised that it is causing huge issues between us so hopefully it will get sorted out soon

[Lan-RO]

Hi @Star14 that sounds like a really difficult situation to be in both for you and your partner. Were you able to discuss some ways to approach it? How are you looking after yourself during this time? We're here to listen and support you 

[jajealch]

Hi @Star14,

Sounds like a really tricky situation and I can see why you are struggling.  When  you and your partner have had a chance to talk things through, it might be worth you both agreeing on some ground rules that you and he would be happy with.  When you are agreed, maybe you could sit down with his sister and explain that while you are pleased to have her staying with you, she needs to understand that every house needs to have some order.  Take the time to make sure she knows she is welcome and loved and that you are there for her, but every relationship, whatever dynamic it is, has to have some give and take.

During the discussion, you could ask her for her thoughts on what she thinks would be acceptable while she is staying with you and make sure that you listen to her views as well.  Hopefully, together you will be able to reach a point where the arrangement works for you all.

Keep us posted and really hoping that everything works out for you.

Take care xx