My 17 year old daughter is out of control

[Town625]

Hello everyone. I decided to start my own thread here now.

As some of you already saw my comment on other thread but I have a 17 year old daughter who is broke up with her first serious boyfriend they were dating over 1 1/2 yr from there everything going down the hill. She started go summer school ( we don't live in Au pls don't kick me out! ) trying to get some credit in math and she was doing great although math is her weakest subject so she was working so hard the first week. While this week I don't know how she met this guy but she hookup with this 25 yr old guy and she was hiding from me. One day I found a small bottle of vodka hiding in a between mattress. Although she said she doesn't drink and was't hers, apparently it's her friend's ( well... ) everything started from this incident and she fuss about her privilege for having a phone all the time ( I take her phone at 10pm no allowed to have her bed room over night except for the weekend only if she clean up the bathroom on the weekend that's one and only her chores at home ) and sleepover privilege. She is not allowed to go because i found one time she was drinking at friend's when she had sleepover. But she can do sleepover at my place but it wasn't good enough for her.
She basically said she will go sleepover when she want and where she want from now on because my house rules are ridiculous. I said If she is like that I can't support for what she want to do. I was hiring tutor for her to just get through her summer school but I told her I'll no longer pay for it. I just wanted her to know she just can do whatever she wants and if she does there will be a consequence. Then she gets mad that if I don't support her she will quit summer school which is so sad to see if she did but it's not s big deal because she can just take it when she get back to school in September. Unfortunately she drop out. Sad to see she can easily quit something she decided to do it and she wanted to do it. After that things get very scary. I found out about this 25 year old she hookup with and she is buying weed ( this is not the first time ) and go to his place planning to have another hookup. I talked about this with her without me getting upset and mad. When I found out this whole hookup thing my heart was broken and so so sad and worry more than I was mad. I was over being mad I was worry so much.
She lost her dad ( my husband ) when she was 8 year old from cancer but if he didn't die from cancer he would have been dead from drugs. He was addicted math. It's all started from smoking pot for him.
When she was 12, I found out she bought weed. I decided to tell her about her dad. I was hiding his addiction when she was young only told her that he has 2 different illness.
So she knew my concern about her getting into drugs but she does anyways...
I actually had a great talk with that night how I worry about her and how wrong is to have her this kind of relationship with this 25 year old guy. She said she knows it's wrong but it makes her feel better. She is struggling a lot of things. She hate herself and she feels no one likes her because she is s horrible and selfish person and on and on.
I just told her she is not a horrible person she is struggling. I asked her if she wants to see councilor or something that will help her. First she said she might and she wants but then she is not ready. She totally understand what is going on is totally wrong. She had a friend told her to stop what she is doing but in her head everything make sense to her and make everything is right to her what she is going. I thought that night I got her back but I knew it wasn't end because she told me she will still be hang out with that guy. From that day she just goes out to his house not coming back even thought I said no. It's so hard to see her getting ready to leave home knowing what she is going to do at his place...
I keep telling her she is worth more than that.
More I tell stuff like that it will hurt her and pushes her away.
I just don't know what to do...

[Erin-RO]

Hi @Town625 thank you for sharing your experience on RO. I'm sure quite a few of our parents will have been through similiar trials with their teens and will be able to offer some support and advice. I'm also so sorry that you and your daughter are in this space at the moment, it must be really difficult to hear your daughter doesn't like herself and is self-medicating with drugs or alcohol. I think it was a great idea to offer the support of the counsellor and while she may not be ready right now, just keep at it and hopefully soon she might be. In the meantime, do you have a counsellor that could help you to support you through this time?

Also thank you for letting us know you're not based in Australia. That's ok, you can still use our forums it just means that some of our resources, information etc may not apply to you as its local.

[Town625]

Thank you for having me in here. I have been looking for some support and you guys are the best and I can be back in here 24/7 it's great! It means a lot to me to have this kind of support. Things get really intense here and don't have a lot of people to let it out. I recently join local parent support group that is help me guide me to do better dealing and coping. And about to start another support circle soon in my area.
It helps me cope my situation when other parents reach out to me and supporting me. It gives me a great strength to get through tough time. I don't have a lot of family here and I am a single parent. I do not have anyone backing me up.

[Breez-RO]

Hey @Town625 being a single parent must feel a lonesome journey at times without an advocate alongside you, I am super stoked to hear about the upcoming support circle; how amazing. This forum can also provide an online base for that What do you do for yourself when things get so intense between the two of you? Is there anything that you really enjoy, in terms of self-care that you can engage in?

I will tag some other forum members for their insight

 @sunflowermom @Schooner @Orbit64 @Sister @seekwisdom @taokat

[Town625]

One thing after another...

I know she is smoking pot but I never ok with it but like anything else she does what she wants and now she is smoking at home while I'm not home. I don't know know what to do with it.
I was reading other parents feel ( not on this site ) that it's better let them smoke at home than other places where they don't even know where and what they are doing at. I'm not really feeling the same way.
Anyone has any advice or opinion will be much appreciate to hear.

[sunflowermom]

Hi @Town625

I am sorry you are going through so much with your daughter.  We are going through crisis right now too so I understand your heartbreak.  ( I live in the US and this is the best support I have found!) 

My daughter is 15 so I am not exactly in the same boat with her leaving and not coming home at night since she cant drive and we live out in the country- however we are no stranger to the drinking, and pot and impulse control and bad decisions around sexual behavior.

I know that heart break and sickening feeling around my daughters bad choices.  I just want to shake her and tell her she is worth so much more.  I cant get through either.  I just keep loving her and keep the lines of communication open any way I can.  Teen group and therapy have helped her immensely.  I think she likes having other teens to talk about stuff that are going what she is going through.

We have had our issues around pot as well.  At first I was allowing it because it kept her from self harming when she was having  bad episodes.  But as time went on and she still had suicide attempts we decided to no longer allow it in the house, it also has a bad effect with  her medications.  So now we drug test and there are consequences if she fails.  Things have settled down in our house- Over time I see that the issues with my daughter comes in waves and I sometimes just take it day by day.

I am sorry I doubt I was any help to you.  I just want you to know you are not alone in your pain.  We are here for you.  I also attend a family group once a week where other parents are.  It is very comforting.  It seems like these struggles with our kids are so taboo to talk about out in "public"  plus sometimes I just don't want to hear the judgments attached to their "advice" ( I am talking some friends and family) 

[Town625]

Thank you for your support! I totally agree with you that this online support is the best! It means so much to me to me to have a support from people like you going through similar situations.
I am so sorry to hear that what you and your daughter going through. I'm glad to hear that your daughter getting some help from teen group therapy.
I have been trying to ask her if she wants to go to get some help but she said no, she is fine and there's nothing wrong with her... I can't make her to go. Even if I drag her in it won't work that way. She is the one had to feel and decide. How did you get your daughter to go group therapy? I am feeling so trapped in here.
I started to go parent support group from last week and another support group staying in two weeks plus talk about things in here helping me a lot.

[sunflowermom]

hi @Town625

I am so glad you are doing  a parent support group.  Honestly the support online and the weekly support groups I go to are what is keeping me grounded mentally.

My daughter was hospitalized for suicide attempt and part of her release conditions was that she attend weekly teen and family groups.  So I think she really didn't feel like she had a choice.  Also, once she went she liked it.

In my experience, when I feel like I am at a standstill with my daughter ( like she's not opening up, etc) I just kinda step back and really focus on my own self care.  I do some therapy for myself, exercise and journal.  Its my way of refueling before the next thing comes up.

[Town625]

@sunflowermom I'm glad to hear your daughter attending plus liking going to group therapy even though it was a part of condition to leave the hospital if that's helping and she is attending that's great.

I am at the point where I'm stuck and my daughter won't change the thing so I am focusing on myself care right now. Going to group support meeting and reading a book called "How to deal with your acting-up teenager". It's helping me to do some of my personal inventory. It's been so many things happing at home with this my daughter stuff and my head was just spinning around but this book helping me a bit to do some of thing that I will be able to let go. This help me clear some of stuff in my head. But still every day life is so hard with her.
I also start doing on my day off like get together with my friends without feeling guilty now. Last past few weeks I just sit around keep my eyes on her when she's at home wondering what if she needs me or what to talk to me but then it is just making me crazy if I keep doing that. Not that I don't completely forget about the problems but I think it's good that keeping some space between me and her right now.

[sunflowermom]

Hey @Town625

I think that's awesome that you are spending time with your friends, doing the support group and reading on parenting.  Honestly I think right now the only thing we have any control over is ourselves.  Doing activities away from our kids gives us new ideas and a fresh perspective on our situation.

I see a therapist to help try to clear my head and remove some of the negative thoughts and hopelessness that pops up sometime.

I know what you mean that the everyday life is still hard.  I feel that way too.  I know it gets easier and not everyday will be hard.  Then sometimes its a rollercoaster, sometimes you don't know what direction the day is going to go.  It does make me appreciate the good days that have laughter and singing in the car so much more.

I believe this journey we are on with our daughters will make us stronger people, give us deeper connections with others and we will come out the other side with peace and knowing that we can help others in the same boat.  Hang in there.....hugs