It sounds like you are all struggling with your son’s anxiety. It can be very confronting.
I wonder if a full medical check would help at this stage. Just to confirm there are no other issues. We also experimented with the “Fed Up” eating suggestions of Sue Dengate which really helped.
As for school refusal, there are other options available to him at this stage. His school should be able to outline these for him. Even if it means he only goes for Math and English and does other stuff online for a while. Just like weaning off things it can really help to do this in reverse to build ourselves up. Afterall, if he was on workers comp they wouldn’t expect him to return to work full time at first.
Even though screen time relaxes him it will be important for him to have screen free time as well. Just standing on the grass barefoot for a while can be helpful. Make him feel useful around the house or maybe get him volunteering. If he isn’t going to school is it really ok for him to sit at home all day on the computer/phone etc? These are things you can negotiate and compromise on as a family. If he isn’t going to school, what is he going to commit to, to get better? I suppose I am suggesting a gentle give and take here.
If he won’t go to therapy than you can go and be coached in ways to help. Or you could try Reachout’s coaching service.
I have just finished reading a great article by Karen Young, Anxiety in Teens – How to Help a Teenager Deal With. http://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-teens/ It is very long so I will paraphrase it for you here.
Anxiety has absolutely nothing to do with strength, character or courage.
People with anxiety will be some of the strongest, most likable, bravest people any of us will know. Anxiety and courage always exist together. Courage doesn’t mean you never get scared – if you’re not scared, there’s no need to be brave.
Anxiety happens because your brain thinks there might be danger, even when there is no danger at all. On average, about 1 in 5 young people have anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t define you. It’s a feeling – it will come, but it will always go, and it’s as human as having a heartbeat.
Understanding why anxiety feels the way it does will be one of your greatest tools in managing it. Imagine being in a dark room that is full of ‘stuff’. When you walk around in the dark, you’re going to bump into things. You’re going to scrape, bruise and maybe drop a few choice words. Turn on the light though, and those things are still there, but now you can navigate your way around them. No more bumps. No more scrapes. And no more having to hold your tongue in front of people who can confiscate your phone.
Anxiety happens because a part of your brain (the amygdala) thinks there might be something it needs to protect you from. When this happens, it surges your body with a mix of neurochemicals (including oxygen, hormones and adrenaline), designed to make you stronger, faster, more alert and more powerful so you can fight for your life or run for it. This is the fight or flight response. It’s normal and healthy and it’s in everyone. In people with anxiety, it’s just a little quicker to activate.
The amygdala acts on impulse. It’s a do-er, not a thinker – all action and not a lot of thought. It just wants to keep you safe, because safe is a lovely thing to be and because that’s been its job since the beginning of humans. The amygdala can’t always tell the difference between something that might hurt you (like a baseball coming at your head) and something that won’t (like walking into a party) – and it doesn’t care. All it wants to do is keep you safe. Here’s the powerful secret: Your amygdala will ALWAYS listen to you. It wants you to be brave – but you will need to be the boss.
When there’s nothing to flee or nothing to fight, there’s nothing to burn the neurochemical fuel that is surging through you. The fuel builds up and that’s why anxiety feels the way it does.
Here are some ways to manage anxiety by strengthening the structure and function of your brain in ways that protect it against anxiety. Remember though, the brain is like any other muscle in your body – it will get stronger with practice.
- Mindfulness - changes the brain the way exercise changes our body, can improve concentration, academic performance, the ability to focus, and it can help with stress and depression. It also increases gray matter. Reachout has some great apps for this.
- Yoga combine exercise and mindfulness.
- Breathe
- Food - You’ve gotta look after your belly – increasingly researchers are thinking that an unhappy belly can make an unhappy brain sending funky messages back to your brain.
- Be kind to yourself.
Anxiety is something that happens, not something you are.
Negative thoughts can be very invasive and resilient. They won’t ease by telling your son not to think them, not to worry about them, not to listen to them, or by arguing about the rightness or wrongness of those thoughts.
Karen Young does this with anxious people.
Do NOT to think of pink elephants. Whatever you do, don’t think of pink elephants. Do NOT think of pink elephants with big sunglasses and fluffy pink coats and shiny pink leggings. Do not think of pink elephants. Seriously! Stop! Don’t think of pink elephants. Have you stopped thinking of pink elephants yet? You know, the ones in the coats and the leggings – the pink ones?
Now … think of blue monkeys. Imagine big, fluffy, friendly, blue monkeys swinging from vine to vine. Imagine blue monkeys everywhere. Imagine big huddles of blue monkeys eating banana bread, telling jokes and laughing so hard they fall on their fluffy blue bottoms. Dark blue, light blue, middle blue – so many blue monkeys.
What’s happened to your pink elephants now?’
Our brain can hold only so many thoughts. The more negative thoughts there are, the less positive ones there will be. Children need to understand that they have a lot of power in controlling which thoughts take up their ‘thinking space’. If they think more positive, strong, brave thoughts, eventually negative thoughts be squeezed out of business. This will take lots of practice.
It’s important that all teens understand the power they have to change and strengthen their brain. This starts with knowing that it’s possible.
‘Every thought, feeling and action creates a pathway in your brain. These pathways are important because it’s how the information travels from one part of the brain to the other. Whenever you do something over and over, that pathway becomes stronger and stronger. The stronger the pathway, the stronger that part of your brain, and the easier that behaviour, thought or feeling will be.
When you think brave, strong thoughts, ‘I can do that’, or ‘whatever happens I’ll be okay,’ those thoughts form a pathway. The more you think those thoughts, the more real they’ll feel. This is also the way for anxious thoughts. The more you think anxious thoughts, the more anxious thoughts you’ll think – so it’s important to think strong, brave thoughts whenever you can.
Some research has found that writing down negative thoughts, ripping them up and throwing them away makes it easier not to think about them.
Even better, writing positive thoughts down on paper, and then putting the paper in a pocket to keep the thoughts safe, makes those thoughts more influential.
Conversations on replacing negative thinking with strong thinking have to happen during times of calm. An anxious brain is a busy brain, and laser focussed on staying safe. Assuring anxious kiddos in the midst of anxiety that there is nothing to worry about won’t help. The truth is that they are worried, and something doesn’t feel right. To an anxious brain, the only reason you aren’t worried is because you don’t get it. This can escalate feelings of helplessness and fear. The more you argue that they’re okay, the more they’ll argue back. An anxious brain is a strong brain, and it will defend its fears and anxious thoughts as hard as it needs to. The good news is that as strong as their anxious thoughts might be, your child will always be stronger. The trick is getting them to realise this, but there will be time for that when the anxiety has passed. In the midst of anxiety, what kids need is to know that you’re on their team, and you get it.
Research has found that gratitude can increase our tendency to recall positive memories. Positive memories will lead to positive thoughts. Encouraging a regular gratitude practice will help to strengthen the tendency to recall positive memories, which will in turn help to tilt thinking towards the positive.
Our kids need to understand the importance of their thoughts. Brave thoughts make you feel brave. Coping thoughts will help you cope. Worrying thoughts make you feel anxious.
And we all have everything we need inside them to be brave, strong, and happy.
You can do this. Big hugs and let us know how it is going.
JA
