(TW) My daughters Borderline Personality Disorder is destroying me

[MaryRO]

Hey @CocoaM,

I can understand how that must be heartbreaking to want to help your daughter, make everything ok for her and have to trust a system that appears to be working against your best interests.  Indeed, it must be scary for your 16 year old daughter to have to represent herself in such a critical state.  I can't even imagine how frustrated and angry you would be.  Hopefully your daughter receives the appropriate services that will sufficiently support her on an ongoing basis.  It might be worthwhile to look at applying for NDIS when a diagnosis comes through for extra support.

[DESTROYED]

It will break your heart but the only way is to simply walk away.   My daughter put me through hell for 14 years -  I saw less than 10 times from the age of 19 until 25, however, I got used to the phone calls (almost daily) for money.   Work is beneath her.   She married in a five star wedding and her husband left 7 weeks later.   4 months later she was pregnant.  Her rages and abuse became too much for me to handle but I stayed hoping that I could somehow calm her.   Her baby was born - she showed no interest.   I looked after her baby whilst working full time from home.  In 6 months, she had 7 boyfriends.    She has insisted I relocate 5 times.  I did so for the sake of peace.   I didn't get peace.   She has one motive.   Look pretty and be "pretty little mommy" when the boyfriends come to my home.  Now she wants her own "space".   Mommy the idiot pays the deposit on a luxury sea view apartment - and the rent - oh and did I mention I bought her an out of the box top range car?   I have paid every cent for her, her designer wardrobe, her overdrafts, her hair, her make-up, her tampons, every single thing for her baby including the night nurse.   Following a hail of abuse today, I cannot wait for next Friday when she will move into her apartment.   She cannot get into my property and I intend applying for a restraining order against her so that I will never have to deal with her again.   I will also apply to foster her daughter and given her background I will get this right.   BPD's will bad mouth you as the "abusive" parent to anyone they can.   I am done.   She may as well be dead.   My only hope now is to preserve myself and my granddaughter.   Next Friday will come as a great surprise to her.   There will be NO MORE money.   I fail to see why a woman who refuses to work should live the lifestyle she does.  She is 5.11".  I am 5.6".  She has beaten me up since she was 15.   She was never abused in any form or fashion and appears to believe that I "owe" her.  I "owe" her nothing.   She didn't complete school.  Drug abuse was rampant.   Move along.   Block the BPD's on your phone.  Don't allow them onto your property.   Call the Police is necessary.    They create their own drama because that is the only way that they know how live.  (PS.  I am a completely sane woman of 59 with two Masters Degrees).  I have contributed to society.  I am no longer going to be the victim of her insanity.

[Sheisinthere]

All I can say is heart break.
My 20 daughter was diagnosed with bpd almost a year ago and my heart breaks everyday.
I completely understand how you can get to where you have the situation at times is agonising.
My daughter is not openly aggressive and especially not to me or our family but that being said I have learnt to validate before it escalates. I think she also knows that any physical violence would be the end of our relationship.
Since her job ended in January I have noticed she has progressively deteriorated and she moved out last week after a minor disagreement and we are devastated and at our wits end what to do as we don’t want to enable her by giving her money but are frightened for her.
It’s that saying if only love could save them we would have no issues.
I can’t give up just yet because I see my precious daughter is still in there.
I also understand how you have got to where you have and I wish you all the best.

[Andrea-RO]

@DESTROYED, that sounds like it would have been incredibly difficult for you to deal with, and I can totally understand why you feel as though you need to distance yourself for the time being. Even though it can be really stressful, sometimes we need to take a break from our family - especially if they continuously cross our boundaries. Have you been able to get any professional support yourself by any chance? It would be really hard to bare that emotional burden by yourself, so it might be a good idea to be able to talk to someone about how you feel 

I can also see how you'd also be feeling immensely stressed and concerned @Sheisinthere. Even though BPD is a really hard diagnosis to live with sometimes, stability, growth, and happiness is possible for everyone. Even though your daughter might be going through a tough time right now, letting her know that you are there for her emotionally, and that you will always love and support her will always help, even if it doesn't always feel like it

[Sheisinthere]

Thank you for your response it’s nice to know you are not alone.
Yes I am receiving assistance via a therapist, she is great.
I question myself everyday wondering how we got here, she is one of my greatest loves we also have another daughter who shared the spotlight.
I can’t explain how helpless I feel, I would give her anything however only if I thought it would actually help her all the books, post, pod casts I have invested in and I just feel hopeless and confused.
It’s such a fine balance and when I have the chance I can see my beautiful girl in there we are being torn apart.
We accept we are not perfect but this guilt, shame, anger, disappointment, wanting to rescue if simply exhausting.
Rant over we are at our wits end I just want to save her from this misery and I can’t 🥺

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @Sheisinthere, I can't imagine how difficult this situation is for you. I can tell that you are a really selfless and loving parent. It must torment you to be unable to magically fix everything for your daughter. At the very least, it shows that your daughter has a very wonderful and supportive parent standing beside her throughout this journey which can make a world of difference.

It is also good to hear that you have some support from a therapist. I am wondering what you find helpful about your sessions with them? You also mentioned that your daughter is living out of home - do you still visit each other? If so, are there any activites that you like to do together?

[Toz1972]

It has been so emotional reading this thread. My 14 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD. It started 7 months ago when i banned instagram and she was so enraged she came at me and my husband with a knife. She has since been prescribed medication, weekly Psychologist sessions, monthly psychiatrist.  As all going through this would know, medication will only take you so far. Unfortunately where there was once funding for BPD specific programs in the south coast, this has been canned by the government. I am finding it hard to get her into a DBT specific program for her age group. She is already aggressive and violent towards us (plus her 12 year old brother) so it's often either an ambulance (self harm) or the cops. I am bracing myself for the worse to come with 1. boys and 2. drugs. including fears already realised by many on this forum. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown but am trying to keep it together. If anyone can point me to any group therapies appropriate for her age group or DBT specific programs, that would be much appreciated. 

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Toz1972, thank you for sharing. I am so sorry to hear that you can relate to this thread. It sounds like things have been really difficult for your family lately. It must be upsetting and stressful dealing with violence and aggression from your daughter. 

It is great to hear that you have taken the steps to get all kinds of support for your daughter. It is very clear that you are doing your best in what is a really tricky and heart breaking situation to navigate. Have you asked the psychologist, psychiatrist and GP about local DBT programs? I have found some on Google, though I feel as though you would have already tried that. Let me know and I can send them through

Also, how are you looking after yourself throughout this journey? I imagine it must take a significant toll on you, especially with your concerns about the future. If you need anyone to chat to, you can always contact Parent Line which provides referrals and telephone counselling for parents. 

[kaiso]

Hi Toz..I hear and feel your pain...in relation to BDT I did get my daughter into a course at South Coast Private in Wollongong..she attended 3 sessions knew it all and then refused to attend again...I am unfortunately again in the middle of the cycle after a few months respite but I have noticed with the onset of winter her condition worsens...being on edge..walking on egg shells going to sleep every night fearful I will get a call or message (like I did 2 nights ago at 4am) are and have been my norm for years..what advice can I give you..look after yourself take time out when you can to recharge..for me it is not so much her behaviour anymore as I am so accustomed to it it is allowing myself to refill the tank so I can manage this insidious disease...my reality is that until she stops the drugs stops abusing her medication and accepts help nothing will ever change...everything ibe read suggests maturity helps and I am hoping praying that this day will come sooner than later...take care of yourself and your family it is a nightmare coupled with the sicking and overwhelming grief at watching the most pressures thing in your life your child slowly destroy themselves and those around them and as a parent you are powerless to help

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @kaiso 

Thanks for sharing your experiences here. It must have been disappointing for you when your daughter stopped attending her DBT sessions, is this something you think might be worth revisiting in the future?

Winter months making things flare up must be very tough for all of you. Have there been other supports you have found helpful during these times?

I really love what you said about refilling the tank. I think that is so incredibly important and such great advice to give to other parents that is crucial to find time to recharge to be able to tackle every day. What do you like to do to recharge?

I really appreciate how open you have been in this post, please let us know if there is anyway we can support you