Daughters boyfriend is not that nice... Any suggestions?

[taokat]

I will respectfully disagree with you on your first sentence @Zoesplace   I think once we've lived it, and remained aware through the process, we become experts, able to give others the benefit of what we've learned.

I think they drive us so crazy because we love them so much! I reckon we can all relate to that haha.

[Snoopmum]

hi @Zoesplace,

Well I am very late and this is my first time to write!!

Sorry to hear you are having these worries with your daughter and the boyfriend.  Such a worrying time when you can see that he is so wrong for her.  Sounds like you are on the right track and all I can think is how lucky she is to have such loving people around her to guide her.  You are clearly doing a fantastic job and it seems at she is actually listening to you and your husband.

I have a friend who son is in a very toxic relationship..he is a beautiful 16 year old boy who is in the grips a very stunning looking but completely self obsessed, needy and manipulative young woman.  My friend is so concerned but like you know she can only give a little gentle advise and tread gently.  I have felt tempted many times to knock her block off but it seems we all agree that in the end that is not the solution!

Have taken note of all the brilliant advise and the book.

Hope all works out.

[Lotuslifter]

My daughter went through a lot of what you're describing with a boyfriend (blame, intentionally hurting her feelings). It was hard to hold back for sure. I saw verbally abusuve text messages from him and alternatively sweet and thoughtful letters/poems. Jeckyl and Hyde from one day to another.
We did talk - she said he didn't mean it..
My daughter ended the relationship after 2.5 years and is doing really well. Hang in there. Your love and support will get her through this time.

[Ngaio-RO]

Great to hear she got out @Lotuslifter Some people can get caught in relationships like those for a decade!

Can you think of what helped her decide at the end?

[Zoesplace]

Thanks @Lotuslifter this gives me hope. Things have settled down, ever since my daughter told her boyfriend that his last verbal attack was not ok and told him not to treat her like that again. There has been a positive change in his treatment of her - time will tell if it is a permanent change. 

Great question @Ngaio-RO -  I would also be interested in what made her decide in the end

[Lotuslifter]

Good question!

I got feedback from people I trust/respect for how I needed to position myself to support her and not demonize the boyfriend. I brought to her specific moments I witnessed and was concerned about. I prefaced the dialogue with:

"Now I'm going to tell you something I heard (boyfriend say) and you're not going to like how it fell on my ears. I want you to count to 20 before you say anything back to me." 

We had a few solid conversations like this, I'm thinking over time she matured and it made more sense. My daughter is a feminist. I didnt want her to feel like a fool for letting this person into her life.

To tap one solid reason why she broke up; she outgrew/matured out of the boyfriend. 

So glad she did!

[austin01]

I truly am having trouble dealing with trying to like my daughters boyfriend. Even went as far as to have a discussion with him about my concerns. He seemed open to discussing the concerns with me and stated that he understood. I explained to him that if he showed a true attempt to working on the issues that I had then I would be open to having better feelings towards him. He stated that he understood, however, within 1 week after our talk things just got worse.....

I do not want this to affect my relationship with my daughter, however, it seems that the more I point out my concerns, it just pushes her to him even more.

Alot of the reason I have the feelings that I do are due to my daughter telling me basically everything that happens between them. It makes it hard for me to hide my feelings regarding him. She will come home from spending a weekend with him and complain about everything that happened, tell me she does not think she can do it anymore, that she is not in love with him, that she suspects she only deals with him to avoid being alone, but then will turn right around the next weekend and go back to him. It is so confusing for me.

So you will understand, my concerns are: 1) He is 23 years old with no vehicle. He either borrows his fathers truck or Ubers to work or anywhere he goes, unless, of course, my daughter drives them. Ugh! Red Flag #1 for me. Now keep in mind the reason for the no vehicle from what I have been told is due to an old DWI that he finally just now went to court for that occured in 2015.......what? 2 1/2 years ago and he is just now taking care of it! To top it off and this is what my daughter told me that he told her. He was drunk and hit a tree in his car.....and then RAN FROM THE SCENE. Told my daughter the reason he kept getting his lawyer to push back the court date is due to the fact that he is going to go into court with the "I was not driving" plea and for them to prove that he was the driver of the vehicle! WTH?! Are you kidding me?! Okay, so right off the bat, i'm like - NO....poor character. So of course, this was a HUGE Red Flag for me and made me not like him at all! I do realize he was young and probably scared when this happened, but, in life, we still must own up to our mistakes and deal with them. So, also in my mind, i'm thinking, okay,so now you are driving my daughters car with a DWI on your record, you are NOT on our Insurance policy, so what happens when you wreck her car? You going to run again?! I have tried to talk to the both of them regarding that it is not a good idea for him to be driving her car, but neither one of them seem to want to listen to what I have to say. They both seem to act like they know better than I do. I am so MAD at him for putting her in that position. To me that is NOT caring about her or her wellbeing to do that to her. He does offer up money for the gas from time to time.....but that still will  not be enough should he have an accident in her car. I asked my daughter if she had ever discussed with him if in the future he planned to purchase a car. She told me that he said no....as he does not want the added expense! Are you kidding me! So your the man in the relationship, however, you are just fine to have your woman drive you around for how long? All due to the fact that you do not want the added expense on yourself of a car payment?! Then, he barely has a job. Works 3-4 days a week and sometimes not even that, because he spends alot of time taking days off to be up my daughters behind to see what she is doing all the time! He finally went to court within the last week for the DWI. Apparently they gave him two options....community service (picking up trash by the highway) or he can sit in jail for a period of time and have the DWI come off his record. My daughter states he has not said which one he has chosen to do yet. But this guy literally said to me that he understood all of my concerns and that he is trying to work on his issues and that I need to get to know him better. HA! Really! So far son, not doing to well. Anyway, the other issue is that due to his lack of working very much, of course, he also does not always have money when they go to do things, however, he is very tricky in how he gets her to go out, by telling her let me treat you to dinner to help you relax from the week, however, when my daughter gets to the restaurant and the bill comes to the table he will tell her "oh, I dont get paid for another few days, so then she has to pay. He knows her financial situation is not great, I mean its not horrible, but still, In my eyes, this is so lame of him! He knew before he asked her to go to dinner he didnt have the money. Now he does pay her back sometimes, but still she should not have to pay in advance and get paid back later. Another RED FLAG! He is just a PUNK to me! But she keeps going back to him knowing all of this about him! I dont understand. She makes comments that she knows it will probably never change, that he brings nothing to the table, has nothing to offer and his future looks bleak at best, but continues to go back. She will also admit she does not want to be alone, and since noone else is blowing up her phone, she will just deal with it and that she knows she is settling for less than what she could possibly have. This is just so frustrating as parent to watch your child do this. I am so tempted to tell him to STAY AWAY from her, but I fear it will do nothing but cause her to run to him even more. Any Suggestions! Please help! My heart is breaking to watch this.

[Lily17]

You have a lot of red flags about this relationship which of course is all violence - financial, emotional etc. He is what we do call a perpetrator of the worst variety.

There are a few things that you can do - first of all breathe..

You do not state your girls age but she is old enough to make her own decisions whether they are right or wrong.

As a parent its very difficult and distressing to watch our kids make these mistakes but they aren't ours to claim, merely to watch (we really want to save them from hurt) listen and be there when the cloud falls from the sky.

Obviously she trusts you, but in family violence sometimes you need to stand back and admit you cannot be available for this obviously distressing conversation.

There are many places YOU can go to talk about what is happening and get it out of your head.

I say this with full experience it takes over your life, obviously you aren't sleeping etc. As this apparently is not affecting her and she isn't listening age is a factor but perps are very much agreeable to everything, they stop you from doing anything out of their sight, turn families against each other etc.

Unfortunately the decision ultimately comes down to your daughter leaving him - this often takes a while but you need to stand back - the more you push the more she runs to him because he is controlling her. You need to put boundaries in place which are acceptable to you and your mental health.

You may wish to contact DV in your state and get in contact with a counsellor who actually deals with this type of trauma, because that is exactly what it is.

There is also the circle of security which shows the different types of violence so that you can truly understand these red flags.

Sometimes we need to stand back, breathe and take care of ourselves before we can actually move forward and support.

Your anger really comes down to you feeling hurt, uncertain, sad and all those bits of emotions that make us human. A perp does not have emotions - they show but there is no ability to love anyone or care.

I remember all of my hours I was awake I cried endlessly it was healthy, it helped somehow but once I got trauma counselling and a gp who was on board to help with sleeping, eating bathing etc life became far more tolerable.

This is about you being in control of your life - until you can get there you can't help your girl.

I am truly sorry you are going through this but you aren't alone, please remember that you are one of many and it is no one's fault. Not bad parenting whatsoever.

Please breathe and feel that to your stomach believe me - it stops you crying when you just need a break from that headache, red face and exhaustion.

[Zoesplace]

Hi @austin01, sounds like a frustrating situation you are having with your daughters boyfriend.  If your daughter is complaining about her boyfriend on a regular basis, then she must know he is not right for her. One thing that has helped my daughter assess her relationship is... I would ask her to imagine she had a daughter, and would she want her daughter to have a boyfriend like hers, and equally, if she had a son would she want her son to treat his girlfriend like that?  (I hope that makes sense?)  She said No, in both instances - I guess it helped her see the relationship from another perspective. I told her that it is really hard as a parent to see your kids in a relationship that is not healthy. 

When the opportunity arises, I have conversations with my daughter about what a healthy relationship should look like, rather then tell her to break-up.  I think the more you tell your kids not to do something, makes them do it more!   My daughter is still in her relationship, but thankfully things seem to have improved.   

[Lost71]

I’m in the same situation, my daughter is 15, I’ve tried to distance the relationship by not allowing her over his place and via servsa. She basically threw a 2 year old temper tantrum and started smashing up the house. I had to call the police. I’ve spoken to the parents he is doing the same thing, until they are allowed to see each other they are putting us though hell. It’s really hard but I want to protect her he has a bad temper and he yells at her and I’m afraid one day he will hit her but she just doesn’t see. She is being so disrespectful and really hard to live with. I’ve come to the point of letting her go and make her own way in the world the tough love approach. Its heartbreaking, I cry myself to sleep most nights. I dont know where my little girls gone.