Hey @lucille So wonderful to see you on this roll!! I'm so glad you're feeling comfortable enough to get this stuff off your chest.
It's a really tough dynamic that you're in, but if it's any consolation it's one that happens quite regularly in families where one parent is authoritarian and one isn't.
My understanding is that there are two forces at play here. One is that your son is mimicking behaviour that he sees works. So he watches you and your husband and sees who gets their needs met most often. Usually, in dynamics like yours, it appears that the authoritarian personality gets what they need either more often or faster than the other parents. Kids are very smart and they learn very quickly. If it seems to him that your husband's way of acting gets results then he'll take that on. I don't mean that your husband treats you like that but remember that your son is an immature, adolescent version. He's practising getting what he wants and he thinks standing over you is the way to get it.
The other is that you, as the warm supportive one, is a safe bet. If he wants to vent he knows dad won't stand for it. He knows that you'll love him no matter what and you'll put up with it. We've talked here in the parent's community about the same stuff. About how the safe option often ends up getting the short straw. But there are things you can do.
I think it would be wonderful if your husband backed you but, if that's not his nature, don't feel like it's a done deal. You can still have boundaries with your son. When he comes at you like that, disengage immediately. Tell him you'll talk when he's calm and then if he won't calm himself, leave. Maintain the position of 'I will only talk when you speak respectfully' and make sure you're upholding that in every conversation with everyone. Ultimately if he starts learning that behaving like that WON'T get him what he wants, he'll have to find an alternative.
Does any of this fit your experience? Does this sound like what's going on at home?
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