Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly @mumof3. It's the only way to get the help we need, and I can relate to your situation so well in regards to behaviours. It must've been a huge thing for your son to come out to you with his news. And for you too. I empathise with you and your young man, it must be a confusing time for him. I'm sure there will be a parent here who has been through the same experience, so I really hope you can get some suggestions on how to move forward with your son, whichever path he chooses. I recently watched a documentary about teens who wanted to change. I stumbled across it but will find it for you. I understand that you love your son but feel you do not like him at the moment - I have most certainly felt like that about my daughter at times, when everything about her is so defiant and she is controlling the situation via appalling behaviour. I feel I have NO control and walk around on eggshells. I felt like we were at the point of no return. It's heartbreaking but too stressful living like that. Our brilliant caseworker taught me something by drumming it into my head! She'd say, "you don't dislike her, you dislike her behaviour." And sadly at those times when she was smashing up the house and threatening and abusing me, the only safe consequence was police intervention. I had the same behaviours when trying to follow through with consequences. At that time, when I couldn't change her behaviours, the only thing I was taught I could do was change my own, in terms of how I dealt with her. Over time it has changed the dynamics between us and I don't often walk on eggshells anymore. There's an awesome coaching 'course' you can do through ReachOut. It's an hour a week for up to 4 weeks if you choose. It's done online while you talk with the coach via phone, who tailors the sessions to help with your specific situation. Tuning Into Teens is another fantastic short program, one hour per week for 6 weeks I think it was. You can google to find one in your local area. There are some fantastic communication tools here in the forum as well. There are some great tips on how to talk with your teen, allowing them to feel heard while still maintaining authority. I couldn't, and sometimes still can't, help but let her speak then immediately go on with 'but I'm angry, or upset or whatever because I...' Because she then felt unheard, and more so, dismissed, she would explode again. As much as I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, your son does really need you and love you. They often act out in the environment where they feel safe to do so. Can I suggest just giving a knock on his door, then popping your head in to say 'how're you going?' even once during the day? My daughter isolates in her room mostly too, and sometimes when I stick my head in I'll be glared at, other times I'll be huffed at, other times I'll be told to f off, and other times I'll get a smile and a little conversation. I simply say 'hi' and 'I love you' and shut the door again unless the latter response has been given. I give her her space but want to remind her that I'm here if she needs me, and that I love her. As disgusting as their rooms are, as lazy and selfish as they are being, as defiant and impossible they are being, these are the times they need to know we still love them, as they're struggling too. Patience is a huge thing I've had to practice - I'm also now a professional at screaming into my pilllow. 17 must be a really hard age to cope with for you. Mine has just turned 15, so I still have legal responsibility and am told diagnoses etc. That must be so difficult for you as you don't know if there are mental health issues additional to the teenage issues. Knowing that would be such a help for you. I don't think it's right that 17 year olds have the choice to keep that private from parents they are living with and being supported by. Children and teens are taught their rights and their responsibilities, but being kids/teens, they only hear their rights. They don't have the maturity yet. Very frustrating. @motherbear can you share some of your wisdom here? You have such fantastic advice!
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